It's been a while since I've done a post, sorry about that. While I've been enjoying the new website I haven't even done much on there, as I have had a rather extreme week, with some huge decisions to make, which is very gut wrenching and difficult (and it's not even about a man or relationship!). It's about biting off more than I can chew. For nearly 2 years I've been emotionally, mentally, creatively and financially invested in the design of my new home to be built overlooking the sea in a lovely part of Banks Peninsula, near Akaroa.
The long and short of it is that the cost of the build has absolutely skyrocketed out of control to the point where the peace and tranquility I was hoping to feel by going back to where I was born, and having a brand new warm and styley home, with beautiful views from each room, running my business from there via computer and phone with helpers in ChCh, will in fact stress the living shit out of me and keep me working till I kick the bucket!! So I have to be wise and let it go, after spending heaps on architect, engineer, consents for all sorts of things, bought all the tiles, the oven, the fridge, dishwasher.....day dreamed about it non stop....jeez...but better to lose a modest amount now than to be a slave to the banks for the rest of my life. (It was supposed to cost $350,000 less than it is costing). And in writing this down I am realising something. Well firstly that I have a very good quality of problem.... and I'm grateful for that. But mainly, the peace and tranquility I seek, and the stress free life I long for, are to be found within myself, not by where I live. It is up to me to arrange my life in such a way as to manifest for myself that which I desire. I can do this. I will do this. The house can go on the back burner for another few years, and if then I think I can better afford it, I will. And if not, my children can build on it later. To be happy and warm and comfortable is all I need and I have that right here.
The appliances and tiles I've bought will not be wasted as the wee bach I bought in Diamond Harbour when my marriage broke up in 2001 and my kids were just 9 and 13, is getting a big earthquake fix next year, so I'll give it a bit of a 'birthday' at the same time, and perhaps go and live back there, where it is sunny and lovely and has a great sense of community. Who needs a whacking great mortgage when I will be 60 in less than 2 years!!!
I am not sure if it is okay to talk about stuff like this on here, so please forgive me if it isn't, but I have to say I feel a hell of a lot better having got all that off my chest, and I am beginning to look forward to doing up my wee bach.
I have been to see my brother since I wrote all that, and he is healing up well and is supportive of my decision. I ended up telling him of my new sobriety decision as well (first family I've told apart from the kids) and he is very proud of me.
Heading over the hills now to see my man for the rest of the weekend, and try and digest all of these changes. I am very glad to be sober and clear headed. have a safe weekend all. xo