Hello everyone. It has been very good for me to get away for a few days. Lake Tekapo was a real nice place to relax, and we also went on a day trip and hiked about 15 k's to get up close and personal with Mt Cook and the beautiful frozen lake below it. Each evening we had totally decadent 3 course meals in the Rakinui restaurant at Peppers, not to mention the vast array of breakfast choices, so I've managed to pile on a bit of a spare tyre.....on top of the one that was already there!
Being away made me realise I was becoming a bit dysfunctional in my new sobriety here at home. I kind of used my home as a big safety net. Didn't go out much at all, just stayed here and worked all day, then got a quick dinner, then more or less took off to bed very early every night and passed the time with books and DVD's and a bit of TV. It wasn't so much that I was afraid I'd have a drink, it was more that I just felt very fragile and vulnerable in all ways. I needed to be alone. Getting away has hopefully snapped me out of all that. It was so good to be reminded of how breathtakingly beautiful our country is, and to have such sunny warm days, and to just finally relax, it has been like a balm to my soul. I even slept way better than I have for 6 weeks. I feel very lucky.
I am going to try to get over myself now. I don't drink. That's it. End of story.
Sure, it is hard to get used to, but it is also the very best thing I can do for myself and for those around me.
There is so much more to life than indulging a tired and boring old habit. I accept fully that I am not a moderate drinker, nor will I ever be. So that's about where the choices run out. So I might as well look on the bright side, and I am. I am going to toughen up, right now! I have before me a future in which I can visualise myself laughing and happy, with so many more opportunities coming my way, and the energy and motivation to participate fully. I can see travel. I can see creativity. I can see grandparenthood......(now there's a motivation if ever there was one). I can see financial opportunity now in the short term, and I can see retirement in the next 5 years. I can see the move I will make to Diamond Harbour next year, the renovations I will do to my humble and very sunny wee home, and I can see and even feel me being very happy there. I can see me gardening, making a new herb garden and salad garden and reviving my old succulent garden. I can even see me hosting dinner parties where I am the only one not drinking alcohol and not giving a fuck! I could tell them all to walk so I can drive them home later!
So I am happy to say that after 43 days I am feeling mighty fine, and I may still be a bit raw and emotional sometimes, but I am starting to fit way more easily into my new sober skin. I am liking what I see ahead of me, and I am respecting the person I am becoming.
Whoop de Doo!!
But just so as you all know that I am not getting ideas of myself that are above my station, I will own the fact that I still smoke, I still swear, and I still eat chocolate, and too many fancy cheeses and garlic olives, and I still don't like exercise much (except that walk in the mountains was amazing).
When I was away, I had heaps of books but the only reading I did was keeping up with all of your posts on livingsober.org.nz. I was not ever by myself for more than a few minutes so I didn't respond to much, but I did manage to do the Fast Forward and That is Bullshit and Happy Sober Reality ones on my phone.
Heck! I almost forgot it is now the witching hour! I hope you are all giving yourselves a big pat on the back for being strong and cool. xo
Oh my god this is the most freaking awesome post I have ever read
ReplyDeleteFantastic! You are an inspiration and I had to read it twice because I see much of myself in there.I still opened my big mouth and said something dumb yesterday...so it wasn't always the booze hehe. I am not too up with this blogging stuff but I thought I'd let you know that your real name (LR) comes up when I click on the name of you as a follower of me.Does that make sense? Not that I am a psycho stalker but just thought to let you know.
ReplyDeleteThanks Charlie. I wouldn't have a clue how to alter that, and to be honest I don't really care. If anyone goes so deep in here to accidentally find my real name they are probably having a crack at giving up the booze, so good for them, and I am not really trying to hide anything anyway.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, it is funny how our personalities are starting to reassert themselves again, in spite of us feeling flat and weird sometimes. I hope all is good with you x
I'm great thanks Prudence.I don't care too much either but with all the warnings for our kids about cyber stuff thought I'd better mention it.I know us kiwis are pretty trusting. Yes at times I feel flat and weird then I feel the so bouncy the next day so I have to go with the flow.I'm trying not to rush my feelings and just let them arrive.
DeleteI love cheese and olives too.I haven't had them since I quit because I loved them with wine.Are they a trigger for you?
No, not at all, I never even actually thought about that. I reckon that it's the booze I'm giving up, not all the other lovely stuff. If I felt that things associated with booze were a trigger I would have to lose everything I eat, all my family, friends, beaches, pubs, boats, restaurants, music......and on it would go. Just about everything and everyone in my life has revolved around drinking in one way or another (with a few exceptions of course). Cheese and olives are real nice with a soft drink full of ice, and if having that nice drink during the witching hour, why not the other wee treats? It feels really satisfying making yourself a nice little snack and taking 20 mins or so to stop and relax before starting dinner etc. I promise you won't grapple for the wine bottle, you will be fine and you will love it xo
DeleteI love this post! You have totally inspired and helped me. I too need to get over myself and own that I no longer drink and start to think of all the wonder it brings. Yay you. Yay us. Thank you so much xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Colourful. Each day is different, and some are more insightful than others. You've been working your butt off non stop and I had been on holiday. Go figure! What I did realise though was just how beneficial it is for me to take some time out of my normal routine. I think the thing I am most suited for in this life is Retirement!! hahaa so now I am going to try to manifest that over the next few years. I would just love my life to be slow and kind of lazy and to do whatever I want, like park up in a big comfy chair and read a book in the daytime!
ReplyDeleteHave a happy day, and yes, just imagine not having all the inner struggle about being sober, and being mega glad about it, and lives and events changing because of it, for the better, and you laughing from your gut because you are happy. Someone once said "You'll see it when you believe it". Quite an apt quote for us now perhaps xo