Monday, 18 August 2014


A lovely sunny day down here in Christchurch. I had a nice sober weekend, a tad boring in parts and a few pangs, with a very clear realization that this is just how it is going to be now. I shall either have to get used to being bored, or find something I love to do and do it, to overcome the flatness of never being in an altered state. I am trying, even as I write, to face this head on. What do I miss? The warm mellow feeling after a few drinks. The easy conviviality of company and conversation. The laughter. The anticipation of a good night, either with friends or on my own with music and a fire. Feeling happy cooking in the kitchen with my first couple of drinks for company . Drinks in the back yard on a lovely sunny afternoon.
What don't I miss? The guilty feelings of disappointment in myself. Feeling less than 100% when I wake up (I didn't really get bad hangovers any more, I think the body just gets used to it eventually). Trying to have alcohol free days. Knowing that I am harming my brain and my body. Having to think or plan around my drinking. Stocking up. Becoming louder, and sometimes over reacting and becoming argumentative. Sometimes hurting other's feelings with things that I said. Getting taxi's.  Smoking more when I drink. Being less than the real me.
A lovely 73 year old gentleman who works for me said at morning tea today "I'd rather die than give up my beers and wine".  This man does not have a problem, he always has Mon, Tues, Wed off, and enjoys a wine with his wife at dinner and a few beers on the other nights.  This has really struck me. It really is such a huge pleasure to take away.  Oh if only I was a "normal" drinker. If only I knew that 4 was enough. If only I didn't feel the need to drink the bloody lot pretty much every time. Well that is not exactly true, I always had more in the cupboard, but would restrict myself to the wee 320 ml bottle, (southern comfort, not wine) so I usually drank all of that.....why not?  it was the limit I'd set myself.  I no longer got terribly messy (like I did in the past), in fact I would often feel quite normal and could easily have drunk more. I have managed to maintain, and even thrive in my business, and other businesses before this one, in fact I haven't worked for anyone but myself for over 30 years. So what the fuck is wrong with me?  I'm an idiot, that's what!!  I've made a bit of a dick of myself for most of my life when I drink. By being greedy. And what am I doing now?  Trying to convince myself that I'm not so bad, and maybe I don't have to take it away from myself completely?  Jeez!
How many have fallen into that ugly trap?
I guess I am more fragile than what I've been thinking, and that today is not an easy day for me.  I wish it was already 3 years or a year, and that I could honestly say  "I just absolutely Love being sober".
On a happier note, when I came home yesterday afternoon my son and daughter had a lovely bunch of pink lilies for me with a "congratulations" balloon for me for reaching 28 days.  Bless the darlings for being so supportive. I would not like to disappoint them, or anyone else, or myself.  I will hold on to that thought.


  1. I really related to everything you said.I did love my wine and I miss it like a long lost friend.I try quite hard not to dwell on it because I know I did not moderate.I was greedy.We are so lucky we have family who love and support us.
    This is how it has to be for us now.Apparently we will get used to this new life.I am right there beside you and encouraging you with all my might.xx

  2. Thanks Charlie, that means a lot. I loved your last 2 posts, excellent. You did real great on the night out, I totally Get how shit it was too. We shall have to try and avoid those looooong ones where you can't just nick off when you want to. Tomorrow I just won't let anything get to me, coz it sure messes with my head when I do. I feel a bit guilty for writing such a negative post. Not very encouraging for the new people coming on board. But on the other hand, where do we vent, if not here! Have a cool night x

  3. I'm always amazed at how stories and feelings are so similar. Your description of what you missed was so spot on, but as I read it I kept saying over and over to myself, but that's not really how it is. That's how it is for 5 min, max. You sound a little fragile right now, just be careful. It's going to keep getting better, it really will, we have to believe that.

  4. Thanks KS. Today is a better day. I gave myself the afternoon off and went to visit a friend, and then we both went to see my sister, and I got a DVD for tonight, and did some groceries.
    All good. I just need to let the time pass and try to stay more positive and one day it will be a year, or 2 years. One day I won't miss it. That will be great. xo

  5. There is a lot of mourning to be done. But slowly the peace of mind and contentment of sobriety does overcome that sense of loss. And things just feel right sober.

  6. Yes, they do Anne. I know absolutely that I have made the best decision of my life. And I know if I can stick at it, it will all get easier and more comfortable. I am going to read more books to help me and I've ordered a heap of them today from my library. Thanks for checking in x

  7. Hi Prudence,hope your week is better.Do you listen to podcast when you exercise? I'm not techno geek but I downloaded the ap and I listen to the bubble hour. Peoples stories on getting sober.I listen in the car,in the shower,cooking,going up those bad ass hills.They are inspiring and sometimes bring a tear.I really relate to lots of these stories and it reinforces my decision to quit to myself.xx

  8. Hiya Charlie. No I haven't as yet. Do you listen on your phone or on your computer? I've noticed a lot of people on here listen to it but did not quite know how to find it. Also I am so busy and find that just keeping up with a few blogs and Soberliving takes quite a bit of time. I do read heaps of other peoples blogs and comments whenever I get a chance, which is several times a day usually. Yes I am having quite a productive week thanks, and feeling okay. Still not getting much sleep which probably doesn't help much. But I do get rest, just lying there quietly, or reading etc. Have a great day Charlie x