A lovely sunny day down here in Christchurch. I had a nice sober weekend, a tad boring in parts and a few pangs, with a very clear realization that this is just how it is going to be now. I shall either have to get used to being bored, or find something I love to do and do it, to overcome the flatness of never being in an altered state. I am trying, even as I write, to face this head on. What do I miss? The warm mellow feeling after a few drinks. The easy conviviality of company and conversation. The laughter. The anticipation of a good night, either with friends or on my own with music and a fire. Feeling happy cooking in the kitchen with my first couple of drinks for company . Drinks in the back yard on a lovely sunny afternoon.
What don't I miss? The guilty feelings of disappointment in myself. Feeling less than 100% when I wake up (I didn't really get bad hangovers any more, I think the body just gets used to it eventually). Trying to have alcohol free days. Knowing that I am harming my brain and my body. Having to think or plan around my drinking. Stocking up. Becoming louder, and sometimes over reacting and becoming argumentative. Sometimes hurting other's feelings with things that I said. Getting taxi's. Smoking more when I drink. Being less than the real me.
A lovely 73 year old gentleman who works for me said at morning tea today "I'd rather die than give up my beers and wine". This man does not have a problem, he always has Mon, Tues, Wed off, and enjoys a wine with his wife at dinner and a few beers on the other nights. This has really struck me. It really is such a huge pleasure to take away. Oh if only I was a "normal" drinker. If only I knew that 4 was enough. If only I didn't feel the need to drink the bloody lot pretty much every time. Well that is not exactly true, I always had more in the cupboard, but would restrict myself to the wee 320 ml bottle, (southern comfort, not wine) so I usually drank all of that.....why not? it was the limit I'd set myself. I no longer got terribly messy (like I did in the past), in fact I would often feel quite normal and could easily have drunk more. I have managed to maintain, and even thrive in my business, and other businesses before this one, in fact I haven't worked for anyone but myself for over 30 years. So what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm an idiot, that's what!! I've made a bit of a dick of myself for most of my life when I drink. By being greedy. And what am I doing now? Trying to convince myself that I'm not so bad, and maybe I don't have to take it away from myself completely? Jeez!
How many have fallen into that ugly trap?
I guess I am more fragile than what I've been thinking, and that today is not an easy day for me. I wish it was already 3 years or a year, and that I could honestly say "I just absolutely Love being sober".
On a happier note, when I came home yesterday afternoon my son and daughter had a lovely bunch of pink lilies for me with a "congratulations" balloon for me for reaching 28 days. Bless the darlings for being so supportive. I would not like to disappoint them, or anyone else, or myself. I will hold on to that thought.