Sunday, 8 March 2015
I’ve been feeling pretty weird and introspective this weekend, kind of lonely and a bit daunted but not really feeling like company either. Today I got up and drove down to Taylors Mistake and walked the beach in an attempt to blow all the cobwebs out and get back on my Yellow Brick Road. It was certainly windy enough to blow anything out. I walked over the little cliff track to Hobsons Bay, the track goes right through the front deck/exteriors of some of the houses that are perched on the rocks. Once there, it was quite sad and beautiful all at the same time seeing all the wee baches set into the rocks, some immaculately kept and others destroyed by the earthquakes and open to the elements. The surf was powerful here and I sat on a log for a while and got my breathing in tempo with the waves crashing, and just breathed in all the goodness of the sea and fresh air. More cobwebs to blow out though so then I walked the beach again and up over the hill to Boulder Bay, walking along a nice little path zig-zagging its way around the point. On the way back I veered off this path onto a narrow sheep track and wound my way around the hills well above the main path, till I eventually ended up back near the car park. I love it over there and I’m glad I went. On this walk I was thinking about the vulnerable way I am feeling and trying to snap out of it. By the end of the walk the word that kept coming into my mind was Trust. I often advise others who are struggling to trust themselves, to trust that things will get easier, better. I am not often very good at listening to my own advice, so today I will be an A student and I will Trust that by hanging on to my sobriety I am doing the very best thing I can do for myself and those around me. I will Trust that these flat and low moods will pass and I’ll soon be happily bouncing along again. I will Trust that all this walking I am doing will not only eventually make me lose some weight, but they’re making my body stronger, fitter and healthier. I will Trust that although the path to getting sober can be a quiet and lonely time, it will lead to times where my life will be full of interesting wonderful characters. I will Trust the power of the cyber friendships I have with like-minded people trying to achieve the same goals as me. And I will Trust myself to cope with all that is bothering me, remain strong, and remain sober.
Sunday, 1 March 2015
I've decided that on the weekends I will drive somewhere nice to walk. I walked Sumner beach last Sunday, North beach to the Pier and back last Saturday, and yesterday I drove to South Shore and walked through the domain and back, then along the estuary till it got too mushy, then up onto the road and I walked past our old house where we lived when I was married with children, then up over the sand hills and along the beach. It was nice feeling all the memories. 12 happy years spent there, and when walking through the domain I remembered the fun bike rides we used to do on various collectible push bikes, of which my husband had a collection of over 60. My favourite was a BSA Shopper, which was what nurses used to use in India apparently. I found a gorgeous little antique child's seat and erected it on the back and my darling daughter would ride in there, my son would be on his own cool wee bike and my husband would take one of the old "Granville" bikes with the big grocery basket on the front. That would be full with champagne and beers, french sticks and cheese and a few other goodies and we would ride through the forest down to a big park where we'd meet up with other friend's and their children for a picnic and cricket games etc. We didn't give a thought about taking alcohol to enjoy these outings, it just went without saying. I remember us feeling very responsible actually for not taking the car and travelling by bike instead coz we were drinking. The kids all had a ball, so did the adults and often everyone would end up back at our place for more drinks later. They were great days and I remember them without regret, even though I got pretty shitfaced more often than not, but the children were always cared for and always had a great time. We had two children (still have 'em)! and on social occasions we would have one each to be responsible for, and that worked well, no disasters. Today I drove to the Botanical Gardens and I enjoyed it more than I ever have before. I wanted to get as many steps up as possible so my walking took a bit of a different form. I have been into every nook, every cranny, taken every pathway at least once, wandering all through the most gorgeous bush and ponds with ducks, and amazing flower gardens, rose gardens, hot houses, fern gardens, cactus gardens and along the river and over bridges and along the other side, doubled back in a few places where it was just so beautiful I had to experience it twice. One place was a room full of the most vibrant hanging begonias I have ever seen. I was awed. So I've come home now feeling real lucky that these days this is the sort of thing I actually want to do on a Sunday morning, and I have sucked up so much beauty and I feel immense appreciation for it. Just seven months ago I'd be waking up, dragging myself out of bed and into the bath, then either cooking bacon and eggs for my then partner or going out to eat breakfast feeling like crap, and then probably home to read a book or watch a movie until dinner time. Today I've weeded my flower garden, been to the supermarket, I'm about to wash my car, I've caught up with some friends on the phone, offered some support to one who is struggling, and I've made an arrangement to go and see The Theory of Everything at the Academy later. Yay! I'm so glad I had the guts to jump off the merry go round. I have gained so much more than I have lost. I have gained way better relationships with my children, my family and my friends, and I have gained a way better relationship with myself as well. Might turn it into a full blown affair!!