STUBBORN AND STUCK

I seem to be a bit stuck with lethargy, procrastination, tiredness, laziness, self doubt, insecurity, aloneness, and a general sense of dis-ease. I think if I put words to it all it might help to lift it. 

I can't be bothered cooking, housework is a joke so thank God I've got a housekeeper. I live on cheese and crackers or poached eggs or a baked spud with cheese and sour cream and tomoto relish my sister made, and random sweet things. It's got so on a day like today, a holiday, or a Sunday when I should ask the kids over for a big yummy roast I just can't be bothered. I have never really felt like this before, I've always cooked and enjoyed it. I love pampering my kids. I miss them. I am avoiding pretty much all social occasions too, just can't get enthused about going out and not drinking.  Would rather stay at home with a book or a movie where the fact of not drinking isn't put right in my face. Hence I have missed some nice events lately with live music played by old friends.

I have never suffered depression so I don't really know what it looks like from the inside. Maybe I just need to give myself a good kick up the arse and get over myself. I went shopping yesterday, and since I wrote the last sentence I have prepared a vege frittata with potatoe, kumara, cauliflour, celery, shallots, garlic, spinach, baby tomatoes, capsicum, cheese, egg and tomatoe puree and a couple of herbs......and put it in the oven. (I kicked myself in the arse) so that will be some healthy eating taken care of. I've tidied the kitchen and put the dishwasher on.  I've soaked some tops that needed it. The thought of weeding the garden makes me almost physically sick, so that can wait (probably till summer)! I forgot to mention I am smoking more cigarettes and I can't bring myself to go for walks or do any exercise.  I just wish I could crawl into bed and wake up next summer.  My arm is still sore with that stupid bursitis I've had since Christmas, and the rest of my body feels old and sluggish, and achy and tubby.

I guess I will just try to force myself to do all the normal things that people do and not dwell on the flat awful scary uncomfortable way I am feeling.

Fuck I'd love to get pissed!!!

Then I would be right back to the laughing fun energetic social crazy tortured soul I used to be.

I must become less self absorbed and take up more constructive pursuits.

I will try.  I am not going to drink.

 

Anyone got any good cocaine?  A few big flipping snorts of that might sort me out!!

 

300 DAYS TODAY

Feeling pretty pleased with myself I have to admit!
It has been a rollercoaster of emotions lately and I have to admit that too. 

Being away on the holiday gave me lots of time to reflect, and being back from the holiday has been interesting too with conflicting feelings.
I feel very grateful to have a home I am happy in and a life that is rich with the love of my children, friends, family in the background, a business to run, goals to achieve and a general sense of purpose.
Being away also helped me to see that I've been living in a bit of a bubble of my own creation, and for most of last week I was quite troubled about that. Here's a wee bit of an email I was writing to my friend Charlie trying to describe how I was feeling:   "ah what's it all about?  I could fucking murder a southern comfort and diet coke, why all this deprivation?  What am I doing?  I used to have a life. A personality, fun, friends, lots of social events, girlfriends visiting and fun afternoons/evenings - a few drinks and tons of laughter and fun and friendship, I used to also enjoy my nights alone getting a bit shitfaced, cooking, playing music, writing stuff, don't do any of that now. I live in my wee safe haven, all fucking serious and boring, in bed so super early it feels dysfunctional, watch movies, don't sleep till about 12 or 1 and get about 5 hours and start all over again. And if I let myself that is the way I think. I don't often think this way but it does happen and it scares the daylights out of me. Just how easy it would be for me to give in to that, and in a way what a flipping relief it would be (for about an hour!!)"

It's funny how when I romanticise about alcohol I remember all the good bits, I associate it with sunny back yards, beaches, laughter, warmth and conviviality, great parties, and I conveniently forget that I didn't stop there! I carried on until I was drunk, loud, talking shit, looking like a drunk older woman I guess, smoking more cigarettes, and giving in to the compulsion every time to have one more drink, and one more, and one  more. And the more I had the better I felt, I absolutely flipping loved it, yes I did, and while I was being that loud drunk woman that other people saw, I was feeling fabulous and fun and funny and cool, I'd even look good, touch up the lipstick, feeling quite sexy and exciting, and then gutted when the night was over coz I could have partied all night long! I was never one to get sick or fall asleep, no, not me!
How terribly fucking sad!!! I truly do miss her sometimes but I'm glad I finally dumped that version of myself!

So there are some of the conflicting feelings, and at 300 days I am still a work in progress with tons of room for improvement in all ways, but I am liking who I am way more than I ever have before, and as I say that a wee email just arrives from my daughter .......

"Awwww how cool mum, so proud of you, you truly are just a new and improved you. To me your more fun exciting and special sober ! I love the sober you (not that I didn’t love the naughty you) very proud of you xx

love you lots"

That alone is worth every struggling moment I have been through to get to where I am today.
And where I am today is where I want to stay.
 

HOW TO DO A CRUISE WITHOUT THE BOOZE

Being quite spontaneous and slightly mad as well, I decided a couple of weeks ago to go off on a cruise while my business was quiet. I’d had a road trip planned with a girlfriend but she had to cancel. So I booked a “Melanesian Discovery” tour on the Pacific Pearl leaving the following Sunday. Quickly made arrangements for my business to semi operate in my absence and off I flew to Auckland to board the ship. I don’t think many other people go on cruises by themselves and I did feel slightly awkward at first but it was fabulous. Ten whole days with only my own wishes to consider and only myself to please, beautiful meals provided and no decisions to make other than when to head up to “smokers corner” on the deck, or which entertainment acts to watch. Bliss. My room was nice with a large porthole, queen bed, ensuite and plenty of drawers and wardrobe space to put away all my clothes and shoes and make it home for the next ten days. There was a tele but I didn’t turn it on as I decided to make this trip as different to my normal life as I could. There was a big “away party” up on the deck as we sailed out of Auckland with loud music and kids swimming and everyone drinking, and that is when I decided the way to do this is to just get amongst it, get my lychee mocktail and join in.

Off out to the restaurant the first night and they put me at a table with two couples who had also just met each other at the table and we all got on like a house on fire and had a few laughs and a beautiful 3 course meal. They had some wine. I went to a show in the Marquee that was showing samples of some the acts coming up. Dancers, a magician, a trapeze artist and a singer. To be honest I was very pleased I was sober and giving it my full attention, so I could see how bad and amateur it actually was!! Mediocre at best. However, it was still mildly entertaining. As it happened some of the shows throughout the cruise were excellent, in particular the comedy. The karaoke was hilarious and some of them were very talented.

The first sunrise was a delight, a ball of shining gold on the horizon with just a massive expanse of sea. All of the islands were beautiful, there was swimming at gorgeous beaches in lovely warm waters, a lagoon cruise in Vila, a zodiac ride to a wee Island in Noumea then a mad crazy and totally dangerous ride in a silly wee open train that took us all around the place with cars screaming around and passing us at speed about 2 inches away on corners!! On that particular trip I was sitting next to an hilarious Maori man who had me in stitches of laughter with his running commentary of what was gong on.  A lot of knowledge was given on all of the tours of the interesting cultures of each place and it's people.

Getting back aboard the ship after each of the 5 Islands felt like going home, great to get back to my room, have a nice long shower and put on fresh clothes, and head up to the deck for a ciggie and to catch all the news of everyone’s day and to get the ship gossip, like one guy having a heart attack in the gym and ending up dead. Or the father and son that had a fight and a third party went overboard at 2.00am and had to be rescued by one of the tender boats using the ship’s search lights. Two culprits were in the lockup down below and escorted off the ship in Vila. Turned out after four days of it being bandied around the ship that it was all bullshit, apart from the two guys in the lockup, which was true and they did get escorted off. And the guy did die in the gym. And one guy wandered off for too long on an island and got left behind and had to make his own way to Vanuatu to catch up with the ship again.

I guess you could say I was a bit out of my comfort zone to begin with, but very quickly I was befriended by some lovely people, a couple of gay guys from Auckland, a nice lady from the Christchurch blues scene and her man, and a wonderful wee lady, Sybil, and her 91 year old mother who was a fabulous and sprightly character and often had us all in fits of laughter. There were lots of others who got together with us on the top deck every day, some wonderful characters and plenty of laughter. There were times when they were all drinking after a big day at the beach and I’d be feeling a bit of a dick with my raspberry lime and soda, and after having it I’d sometimes go to my room and spend a couple of lazy hours reading and nodding off, until it was time to change for dinner and the evening activities.......music, theatre, live bands, comedy, circus, heaps of stuff going on.  On the last night there was a big party in the Atrium, all the 200 chefs paraded through, there were 100’s of balloons and a big electronic light show and they made a champagne fountain of 700 glasses and used probably a couple of hundred bottles of champagne to fill them all, and I got a photo taken of me pouring champagne into the top of the fountain.  It was my way of showing myself and remembering I can be all around and amongst booze if that is what the occasion calls for, and still have a .....reasonably good time, without drinking it!!

I was in fact very glad to be and remain sober on this holiday, as it occurred to me many times that if I was drinking I would be far more obsessed with my next and next and next glass than any of those around me!!

I had a blast of a time and I would do it again in a heartbeat, either alone or with friends. In fact I would now like to save for a river cruise down the Rhine or the Danube and as soon as I’ve got time I’ll be checking it out!  Anyone want to come?

Yep life is short, so bring it on, all of it, and keep it coming!!