MOODY MONDAY ON DAY 22

Hello everyone.  I hope you all had a happy weekend. It's been a bit of a weird day today....having to tell my architect and all and sundry of my decision to hold off, and coming to terms with all the realities involved.  In one sense it is starting to feel like a bit of a relief, as I never did really have much of an idea of how I was going to cope this summer with a busy hands on business while the build goes on about 80 k's away. Anyway enough of that.  I have had some really powerful cravings today and didn't quite know what to do with them. After commenting on a post on living sober I thought perhaps I might put my money where my mouth is. When the cravings were most intense, at about half past four, I went down to the dvd store to get a couple of movies to keep me occupied. On the way back I realised I'd forgotten to get some ciggies (YUCK....I know) but one thing at a time.......anyway so I decided to go into this bottle shop up the road to get them, just to see what effect it had on me. Right behind the counter next to the cigarette cupboard, as luck would have it, there was a 1 litre bottle of Southern Comfort and a 750 ml one beside it.  While he was getting my packet of smokes I stood there and stared and stared at those bottles.  While the craving was definitely still there, and strong, and while I imagined what the taste would be like, and the feeling after knocking a few back, I also saw the future as clear as a bell, with all the struggle, the ugly bits, the guilt and self loathing, the endless battle to try to be a 'normal' drinker, and I continued to stare at them (until the bottle shop guy started staring at me)!  I am not recommending this to anyone else, but for me just staring at those bottles and feeling all the feelings one way and the other, it was like putting the damn things to bed forever. They can flipping well stay right where they are, and confronting them was empowering.  I cannot go through life being afraid I will grope for the bottle if I see it. I am not a big wine drinker, though I don't mind it, and in the supermarket the other day my phone rang, and it was important, so I had to walk away a bit from the crowd so I went over to the wine racks, more for convenience than anything else, and I was there on this business call for ages, staring at all the wine. It is like I am looking at the bottles of alcohol from a different dimension. They fail to really move me.....even though I still would love a drink! The fact that I know I won't have one, allows me to feel distant and separated from the bottles.  Am I a nutter with a penchant for punishment?  Not sure.  Have a great night x