GETTING SOME PERSPECTIVE

Hello everyone.  It has been very good for me to get away for a few days. Lake Tekapo was a real nice place to relax, and we also went on a day trip and hiked about 15 k's to get up close and personal with Mt Cook and the beautiful frozen lake below it. Each evening we had totally decadent 3 course meals in the Rakinui restaurant at Peppers, not to mention the vast array of breakfast choices, so I've managed to pile on a bit of a spare tyre.....on top of the one that was already there!
Being away made me realise I was becoming a bit dysfunctional in my new sobriety here at home. I kind of used my home as a big safety net. Didn't go out much at all, just stayed here and worked all day, then got a quick dinner, then more or less took off to bed very early every night and passed the time with books and DVD's and a bit of TV.  It wasn't so much that I was afraid I'd have a drink, it was more that I just felt very fragile and vulnerable in all ways. I needed to be alone. Getting away has hopefully snapped me out of all that. It was so good to be reminded of how breathtakingly beautiful our country is, and to have such sunny warm days, and to just finally relax, it has been like a balm to my soul.  I even slept way better than I have for 6 weeks. I feel very lucky.
I am going to try to get over myself now.  I don't drink.  That's it.  End of story.
Sure, it is hard to get used to, but it is also the very best thing I can do for myself and for those around me.
There is so much more to life than indulging a tired and boring old habit.  I accept fully that I am not a moderate drinker, nor will I ever be.  So that's about where the choices run out. So I might as well look on the bright side, and I am.  I am going to toughen up, right now!  I have before me a future in which I can visualise myself laughing and happy, with so many more opportunities coming my way, and the energy and motivation to participate fully.  I can see travel.  I can see creativity.  I can see grandparenthood......(now there's a motivation if ever there was one).  I can see financial opportunity now in the short term, and I can see retirement in the next 5 years.  I can see the move I will make to Diamond Harbour next year, the renovations I will do to my humble and very sunny wee home, and I can see and even feel me being very happy there.  I can see me gardening, making a new herb garden and salad garden and reviving my old succulent garden. I can even see me hosting dinner parties where I am the only one not drinking alcohol and not giving a fuck!  I could tell them all to walk so I can drive them home later!
So I am happy to say that after 43 days I am feeling mighty fine, and I may still be a bit raw and emotional sometimes, but I am starting to fit way more easily into my new sober skin. I am liking what I see ahead of me, and I am respecting the person I am becoming.
Whoop de Doo!!
But just so as you all know that I am not getting ideas of myself that are above my station, I will own the fact that I still smoke, I still swear, and I still eat chocolate, and too many fancy cheeses and garlic olives, and I still don't like exercise much (except that walk in the mountains was amazing).
When I was away, I had heaps of books but the only reading I did was keeping up with all of your posts on livingsober.org.nz.  I was not ever by myself for more than a few minutes so I didn't respond to much, but I did manage to do the Fast Forward and That is Bullshit and Happy Sober Reality ones on my phone.
Heck! I almost forgot it is now the witching hour!  I hope you are all giving yourselves a big pat on the back for being strong and cool. xo

DAY 38 ON A SUNNY WEDNESDAY MORNING

Hello Blog World!  I'm looking forward to the mini-holiday I am taking this week with my partner. We aren't going to the Sounds any more because Portage is closed for refurbishment, so I got to choose the alternative and we are going to Peppers Resort in Tekapo.  It's great because my Mr Normal is a building Contractor and can use all his Placemakers points for the odd wee break, and it includes breakfast and 3 course dinners in the restaurants as well. I wish I could say I was starving myself to make up for all the yummy treats I am going to eat down there, but alas, I have been binge eating chocolate in the night! Every night!  I am still on the arsenal of choc peanuts, jaffas, dark peppermint and orange chocs I bought a couple of weeks ago, so happy to say I've not had to re-stock...... yet!
I seem to be a bit all over the place with my moods and emotions lately. Sometimes snappy and irritable, sometimes overwhelmed by how different my life is, sometimes real happy that I'm doing this, sometimes uncertain, and sometimes just flat, and sad. Last night inthegarage66 did a very powerfully honest post about his father, to which I responded, as did many others.  Afterwards I had my first big upsurge of tears for my father since soon after his death 27 years ago. I hope it was healing because it was intense, and I am not quite ready to look deeply at these feelings yet, as I thought I had got over them half a lifetime ago.  I guess I am just pretty raw and emotional right now.
It is great how many people are still joining up to the new website, I noticed Mrs D said we are just about overloaded as the web developers did not expect so much activity. Yay! They will just have to up their webby game I'd say.
Off now to buy some fancy treats to take away. Hopefully when I come back from Tekapo I will feel a bit more comfortable in my new sober skin.  Nothing like a bit of beauty and nature to keep one grounded.
Over and out for now xo

SUNNY SUNDAY

Hi Everyone.  Woke up to a rather overcast day but it turned out to be lovely and sunny all afternoon. I went to the 85th birthday and the sun streamed in and there was quite a bit of humour and a nice time had by all.  It was my first actual party, but quite tame so it wasn't too much of an effort or challenge not to drink.  Amazing views from Scarborough Hill, and some very interesting conversations with lovely people.  Home now with a nice fire going and feeling pretty calm and relaxed.
Last night Mr Normal and I went to see the movie "100 year old man climbs out the window" and then went and had some Tapas at the Monday Room, so that relieved the boredom a bit. (I have been feeling quite bored, with myself, others, I dunno).  I've never been to a movie before on the same day that I have finished reading the book.  Movie was great.  Book 20 times better.
I've been feeling kind of empty, can't really say it better than that.  I am waiting to have great feelings of elation that I don't drink now, and waiting to notice how incredibly much better my life is. Starting to think maybe I wasn't so bad.  I am kind of envious of those of you who just Love their lives now. I am thinking one of the reasons why it is not totally floating my boat is that I am probably a lot older than most of you and therefore have been giving it a good bash for a really super long time (40 years)and so perhaps for me it will take longer to adjust and feel the benefits more profoundly.  Also my sleeping hasn't improved, so I spend several hours awake in the wee hours of the morning pretty much every night. I will stick at it though and try to bring something new into my life to be inspired about.  Mr Normal is taking me up to Portage this coming weekend, we leave on Thursday morning and back Sunday evening.  I will take my tramping boots and go for a bit of a hike on the Queen Charlotte walkway, and hope to go fishing on his boat as well.  We have been there about 5 times together, as he has some land near there, it is a beautiful spot, and has a superb restaurant which is usually the highlight of the trips.  It will be a little different this time for obvious reasons. But at least I can still pig out on gorgeous food. I am looking forward to having a break and getting out in nature, and I hope it jolts me out of my "spoiled brat" attitude and that I come back feeling more grateful for the life I have and the chance of a better one that I have recently given myself.
I started a new book this morning which I ordered from the library after dipping into the Tool Kit on www.livingsober.org.nz  It is called The Trip to Echo Spring, and is about the effects of alcohol on some of the literary greats, like F Scott Fitzgerald, Earnest Hemingway, Tennessee Williams, John Berryman, John Cheever and Raymond Carver (all alcoholics).  I am only about 100 pages in but it is fascinating and insightful. So thank you to whoever suggested it.  I also ordered another four suggested in the tool kit so I have got some excellent reading to do, which is one of my greatest pleasures.
I hope you are all having a peaceful and stress free Sunday and that you are soon to enjoy a lovely Sunday dinner with your families.  Over and out xo

30 DAYS TODAY!

Happy to say I've made it to 30 days, for some reason that seems like a bit of a milestone.
I am feeling pretty good, but still getting used to it. Having busy work days and quiet early to bed nights and doing a lot of reading. Really pleased at how well the new website is going, and what a credit to Mrs D that is.  It is just excellent what she has started and it is attracting so many people from so far and wide.  It appears that this is very timely.  People seem to feel so relieved to have finally found a place where they are understood, and not judged, and can feel the empathy and compassion coming from all of us in the same boat. This has given them the springboard they have needed to take the big step they've been afraid to take.
I think it is particularly therapeutic to be able to write your feelings, or just write about anything at all.
I suppose for most of us it's that it feels so safe, even though we totally expose ourselves and our problems, it is from the safety and privacy of our homes. It is easy to find a few minutes to connect with others or just to read their stories, their slip ups and their triumphs.
I haven't actually got much to write about today so I will keep it short. I am very grateful for each and every one of us, for the promising and happy future we are allowing ourselves to have, by being staunch and sticking to our commitment to ourselves. I hope you are all having a happy day x

A BIT DISILLUSIONED

A lovely sunny day down here in Christchurch. I had a nice sober weekend, a tad boring in parts and a few pangs, with a very clear realization that this is just how it is going to be now. I shall either have to get used to being bored, or find something I love to do and do it, to overcome the flatness of never being in an altered state. I am trying, even as I write, to face this head on. What do I miss? The warm mellow feeling after a few drinks. The easy conviviality of company and conversation. The laughter. The anticipation of a good night, either with friends or on my own with music and a fire. Feeling happy cooking in the kitchen with my first couple of drinks for company . Drinks in the back yard on a lovely sunny afternoon.
What don't I miss? The guilty feelings of disappointment in myself. Feeling less than 100% when I wake up (I didn't really get bad hangovers any more, I think the body just gets used to it eventually). Trying to have alcohol free days. Knowing that I am harming my brain and my body. Having to think or plan around my drinking. Stocking up. Becoming louder, and sometimes over reacting and becoming argumentative. Sometimes hurting other's feelings with things that I said. Getting taxi's.  Smoking more when I drink. Being less than the real me.
A lovely 73 year old gentleman who works for me said at morning tea today "I'd rather die than give up my beers and wine".  This man does not have a problem, he always has Mon, Tues, Wed off, and enjoys a wine with his wife at dinner and a few beers on the other nights.  This has really struck me. It really is such a huge pleasure to take away.  Oh if only I was a "normal" drinker. If only I knew that 4 was enough. If only I didn't feel the need to drink the bloody lot pretty much every time. Well that is not exactly true, I always had more in the cupboard, but would restrict myself to the wee 320 ml bottle, (southern comfort, not wine) so I usually drank all of that.....why not?  it was the limit I'd set myself.  I no longer got terribly messy (like I did in the past), in fact I would often feel quite normal and could easily have drunk more. I have managed to maintain, and even thrive in my business, and other businesses before this one, in fact I haven't worked for anyone but myself for over 30 years. So what the fuck is wrong with me?  I'm an idiot, that's what!!  I've made a bit of a dick of myself for most of my life when I drink. By being greedy. And what am I doing now?  Trying to convince myself that I'm not so bad, and maybe I don't have to take it away from myself completely?  Jeez!
How many have fallen into that ugly trap?
I guess I am more fragile than what I've been thinking, and that today is not an easy day for me.  I wish it was already 3 years or a year, and that I could honestly say  "I just absolutely Love being sober".
On a happier note, when I came home yesterday afternoon my son and daughter had a lovely bunch of pink lilies for me with a "congratulations" balloon for me for reaching 28 days.  Bless the darlings for being so supportive. I would not like to disappoint them, or anyone else, or myself.  I will hold on to that thought.

DAY 25 ON FABULOUS FRIDAY

Not a bad day today, I got heaps of work done and feeling pretty good about that. I've just had a couple of visitors drop in unexpectedly, lucky I have a nice fire going.  They bought some beers and hooked into one each and asked if I'd like a beer or if I was having a wee Southern.  I said I wasn't actually having any today, (shock horror) but of course they got it out of me so I ended up telling all. I watched them drink their six pack between them and now they're off out to dinner.  I had a peachee bundaberg with ice, and didn't feel too awkward, we had quite a good laugh about a few things and it was a nice visit for about an hour and a half.  They have both given up smoking. I've noticed that the alcohol cravings are quite random and not necessarily when someone puts a drink right in your face. I didn't particularly envy them their Coronas.  I don't mind one on a hot day but I am not really a beer drinker.  Yet sometimes I can have the craving so strongly at any random time, that it almost takes over me for a few minutes, and then I just can't believe that I will be able to continue to do this. I even dreamed about it the other night. Very vivid. I used to do quite a bit of cocaine in Sydney in my 20's and after I kicked that to touch I would dream about it on and off for a couple of years.  Very real dreams.  So I guess this is a similar thing, maybe my subconscious just really wanting to be in an altered state, or perhaps grieving for what it thinks it wants.  But not the real me.  My subconscious can entertain and delude itself any way it wants. I think I am quite enjoying being "Straight". Sober. Normal. I think I am a little bit boring though. I'll have to work on that. Funny, since I wrote that last sentence I got a text from a girlfriend asking if I want to go to a party next Sunday night being held up on Scarborough Hill to celebrate the 85th birthday of a fabulous and quite renowned gay Lawyer we both know. So we are both going to put our party frocks on, and perhaps for once in my life I can be the sober driver.  (Hopefully it won't go on too late due to the age of the party boy, but there will be many younger ones there too.  (Yeah real young like me!).
Well.....time for me to get my jarmies on and cleanse my face and hop into bed to watch 7 Days and Johnno and Ben.  Excellent Friday night entertainment for sober little me!  Night everyone.  Hope you are all having a happy contented evening.  xo

BUSY THURSDAY

Hi everyone, I hope you are all having a great day and coping with the witching hour ok. I've got a nice lemon and lime and mint Mohito with heaps of ice, and soon I'm going to make a mushroom and blue cheese soup because I am craving it.  I did something very naughty today. I dashed into the supermarket to get a few things, and I said to myself on the way in No Chocolates. I have eaten a whole king size peppermint dark in a week, and I told myself that after that I would knock it on the head.  Well guess what!  Now I've got a whole assortment of treats.  I've got chocolate peanuts, that thin orange posh chocolate, a bag of jaffas and another block of peppermint dark!!  hahahaaaaaa....I kind of did the old "ah fuck it" and walked out of there justifying it to myself because it wasn't booze.  This just really shows what an obsessive, addictive and perhaps weak willed personality I've got.  I have never been a big eater of sweet things.  Now I eat shortbreads and chocolate biscuits as well.  I will try and make all that last me 3 weeks or a month, and then quit the sweet stuff (I hope)
I had a big alcohol dream last night, very real, I could even taste it. Bit of a worry!
I've had a very busy work day, and I'm in a bit of a muddle trying to finish some things off before I hit the kitchen.  I feel so hungry all the time now.  I still can't sleep very well at all.  I've been to the chiropractor today for my sore back, and I think it feels a bit better.  Yesterday I went to the dentist. Tomorrow the hairdresser. Saturday the Pub (just kidding).
Got visitors so over and out for now x

DAY 23 TODAY

On Saturday I told my young brother, and then on Sunday I told my older sister and my older brother.  I sort of had to, to beat the family bush telegraph!  They are all quite shocked and amazed, but very supportive and positive. I had a tiff with Mr Normal and took off from there on Sunday morning. He is the only person I have told who has not said "good on you" or "I'm proud of you", and it hurts, so I told him so.  I am probably being a wee bit childish, but I just can't really understand it. Perhaps he just doesn't know how to say it, he is not the most gushingly expressive man.  Or perhaps he is reserving his praise because he expects me to fail.
On the way home from there I rang up my older brother to see if he would like me to take him to lunch.  I picked him up and we had a nice lunch in a cafe.  In the car I told him about quitting the drinking, and he was really pleased with me, and said the happiest, clearest and best times of his life have been when he has given up drinking.  (he actually has a bit of an ongoing problem with it too). I had a classy lemonade and he had a beer, and we had a nice lunch and a good chat.  When we left we went over to the supermarket so he could get a couple of big bottles of Coopers.  He'd had a big night on Sat night and needed a bit of the old hair of the dog. I am happy to report that I felt no pangs whatsoever at that moment in the supermarket, or at the cafe.  I felt glad that I didn't have to decide whether or not to have a drink, or get any to take home.  I wished for him to be where I was, on day 21. He is actually way better than me at giving it up, and goes for quite long periods without. I hope I really can do this and that it will help him to ditch it for good too.  I told him of Mrs D's book, and website and about doing the blogs and how much it helps.
I am terribly afraid that I will weaken one of these days and just go "ah fuck it" and have a drink, then 10.  It is like I am going so well, that I can hardly believe myself, and I imagine summer days in the back yard around the big table and everyone drinking....how am I going to stand up to that?
Ah well, for today I shall just worry about today. And today I am doing okay, despite being a bit emotional.
I hope you are all powering through your busy days, and are too busy to even think too much about it.
Actually that is the amazing thing!  Several times I have caught myself Not Thinking About It for hours and hours and hours at a time.  So the stimulation of work or movies or books or company can certainly take your mind off it........

MOODY MONDAY ON DAY 22

Hello everyone.  I hope you all had a happy weekend. It's been a bit of a weird day today....having to tell my architect and all and sundry of my decision to hold off, and coming to terms with all the realities involved.  In one sense it is starting to feel like a bit of a relief, as I never did really have much of an idea of how I was going to cope this summer with a busy hands on business while the build goes on about 80 k's away. Anyway enough of that.  I have had some really powerful cravings today and didn't quite know what to do with them. After commenting on a post on living sober I thought perhaps I might put my money where my mouth is. When the cravings were most intense, at about half past four, I went down to the dvd store to get a couple of movies to keep me occupied. On the way back I realised I'd forgotten to get some ciggies (YUCK....I know) but one thing at a time.......anyway so I decided to go into this bottle shop up the road to get them, just to see what effect it had on me. Right behind the counter next to the cigarette cupboard, as luck would have it, there was a 1 litre bottle of Southern Comfort and a 750 ml one beside it.  While he was getting my packet of smokes I stood there and stared and stared at those bottles.  While the craving was definitely still there, and strong, and while I imagined what the taste would be like, and the feeling after knocking a few back, I also saw the future as clear as a bell, with all the struggle, the ugly bits, the guilt and self loathing, the endless battle to try to be a 'normal' drinker, and I continued to stare at them (until the bottle shop guy started staring at me)!  I am not recommending this to anyone else, but for me just staring at those bottles and feeling all the feelings one way and the other, it was like putting the damn things to bed forever. They can flipping well stay right where they are, and confronting them was empowering.  I cannot go through life being afraid I will grope for the bottle if I see it. I am not a big wine drinker, though I don't mind it, and in the supermarket the other day my phone rang, and it was important, so I had to walk away a bit from the crowd so I went over to the wine racks, more for convenience than anything else, and I was there on this business call for ages, staring at all the wine. It is like I am looking at the bottles of alcohol from a different dimension. They fail to really move me.....even though I still would love a drink! The fact that I know I won't have one, allows me to feel distant and separated from the bottles.  Am I a nutter with a penchant for punishment?  Not sure.  Have a great night x

SUNNY SATURDAY

It's been a while since I've done a post, sorry about that. While I've been enjoying the new website I haven't even done much on there, as I have had a rather extreme week, with some huge decisions to make, which is very gut wrenching and difficult (and it's not even about a man or relationship!).  It's about biting off more than I can chew. For nearly 2 years I've been emotionally, mentally, creatively and financially invested in the design of my new home to be built overlooking the sea in a lovely part of Banks Peninsula, near Akaroa.
The long and short of it is that the cost of the build has absolutely skyrocketed out of control to the point where the peace and tranquility I was hoping to feel by going back to where I was born, and having a brand new warm and styley home, with beautiful views from each room, running my business from there via computer and phone with helpers in ChCh, will in fact stress the living shit out of me and keep me working till I kick the bucket!! So I have to be wise and let it go, after spending heaps on architect, engineer, consents for all sorts of things, bought all the tiles, the oven, the fridge, dishwasher.....day dreamed about it non stop....jeez...but better to lose  a modest amount now than to be a slave to the banks for the rest of my life. (It was supposed to cost $350,000 less than it is costing).  And in writing this down I am realising something. Well firstly that I have a very good quality of problem.... and I'm grateful for that.  But mainly, the peace and tranquility I seek, and the stress free life I long for, are to be found within myself, not by where I live. It is up to me to arrange my life in such a way as to manifest for myself that which I desire.  I can do this.  I will do this. The house can go on the back burner for another few years, and if then I think I can better afford it, I will.  And if not, my children can build on it later.  To be happy and warm and comfortable is all I need and I have that right here.
The appliances and tiles I've bought will not be wasted as the wee bach I bought in Diamond Harbour when my marriage broke up in 2001 and my kids were just 9 and 13, is getting a big earthquake fix next year, so I'll give it a bit of a 'birthday' at the same time, and perhaps go and live back there, where it is sunny and lovely and has a great sense of community. Who needs a whacking great mortgage when I will be 60 in less than 2 years!!!
I am not sure if it is okay to talk about stuff like this on here, so please forgive me if it isn't, but I have to say I feel a hell of a lot better having got all that off my chest, and I am beginning to look forward to doing up my wee bach.
I have been to see my brother  since I wrote all that, and he is healing up well and is supportive of my decision.  I ended up telling him of my new sobriety decision as well (first family I've told apart from the kids) and he is very proud of me.
Heading over the hills now to see my man for the rest of the weekend, and try and digest all of these changes.  I am very glad to be sober and clear headed.  have a safe weekend all. xo

WELCOME WEDNESDAY

Hello everybody.  Today is another day and I'm not going to let it beat me, whatever comes my way.  Thank you for the kind comments on my misery guts post last night.  I ended up still working till nearly 9pm and then tried to watch a Tom Hanks movie "Captain Phillips" about a guy getting taken by Somalian pirates.  I fell asleep and woke up to all this loud screaming coming from the TV, and noticed a text from my daughter in the next room asking me to turn the TV down.  hahahaa....and I was in the middle of a dream where there were viscous Somalians in my hallway and I was opening the door and sweeping my daughter and some of her friends and a wee child I know into my room for safety while the Somalians were on the rampage in the rest of the house.  Crikey!!  one would think I am a bit disturbed!  I actually love Somalians, my son had a very humourous friend when he was in intermediate school and he used to come to our house and never failed to make me laugh.

Well it's later in the day now, still the witching hour and the new site is up and running and I'm going to hop over there again and see what you are all up to.

Yay for Mrs D getting it all together for us, it's going to be great!

Over and out for now x

NOT EXACTLY RUBY TUESDAY

Hello all........I failed to make a post yesterday, I think it was the first time since I started.  I just had a really shitty day and I tried to write but no words fell off my fingers, so I just gave up, switched everything off and went to bed ridiculously early.  It was a rough day on all fronts, and I'd have to say today hasn't been much better.  I guess I just have heaps going on and sometimes the pressure of it all becomes overwhelming.

I find bed is the best place for me to be when I feel like this.  Bed is like a safe little haven for me and my room is my sanctuary.  It is nice and big, and has a lovely old gothic fireplace (unfortunately no longer working after the earthquakes, it was one of 4 that are now out of action).  On the mantlepiece I have a big TV, and I alternate between DVD's, TV, reading and sometimes writing down all the things I've got to do the next day so I won't fret in the night.  When I used to drink (like 16 days ago) I would probably have the logburner going out here in the lounge, and after the  news and Campbell Live I would play some music or chat on the phone, maybe watch a movie, all the while slugging back a few drinks, cooking, doing laundry, generally enjoying myself while multi tasking the domestic stuff.  Now I don't quite know what to do with myself.  I am exhausted mentally and physically, I've got a back ache, and I am just waiting till it's late enough to go to bed. They discharged my brother from the hospital today, less than 4 days after major liver surgery and he is still throwing up and not really eating yet.  It makes me real mad how quick they get rid of them these days.  I just hope he stays on the couch.  Hard man to keep down.

Well as you can see I am all doom and flipping gloom, but I do want to post every day if I can, so sometimes they will be more interesting than others.  I simply can't think of one interesting thing to say today.

Yes I can!  I am really looking forward to the new website, and I take my hat off to Mrs D for being so brilliant, and for getting it together for all of us.  Let's not let her down.

Tomorrow is sure to be a better day, and I must remember just how very much I have to be grateful for....not least to have this way of sharing my thoughts, and all of yours, and feeling less alone in the down times.  Good....now I can scarper off to bed.  Nite everyone xo

LAZY SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Cold day down here, time to light the fire. Lovely meal last night at Bodhi Tree, as always, and I found it rather nice having a big wine glass full of ice in which to put my water. (I requested it because I dislike those bulky thick water glasses).  Mr Normal had a red wine (only one) and I found it a wee bit liberating not to have to be thinking "shall I order a 2nd wine?" or a third for that matter.  It just wasn't about the drinking at all, and it didn't matter if I finished my water or not.  I felt the freedom in that.  As I have done several other times lately when taking DVD's back or popping into the supermarket, going past the bottle shop and not having to think "I'd better stock up on the old Southern Comfort - make sure I've got plenty for the weekend, or week, or whatever....good old  'never run out' me!

I finished Jason Vale this morning.  Clever guy. Although as I've said there were a few minor things which I would question, or don't agree with, all in all it is a very helpful book indeed.  I think he is right.  We've kicked it to touch so why suffer? I am going to try next week to notice every positive aspect that affects me personally with not drinking. Big or small, I am going to notice them and be grateful for them.  Instead of the reverse, which won't help at all. I would be a total utter liar if I said I don't miss drinking. I do, it's only 2 weeks after all.  But I have learned a great deal since 2 weeks ago and I am really looking forward to being the me I am meant to be.  I have never drank tea or coffee in my life, simply because I don't like it.  I did drink some chamomile tea when I was pregnant but that was for sleep and was over 20 years ago.  Now I have some pommegranite and grape tea with my breakfast, and I even like it, and if anyone comes around who I used to drink with they will be offered a variety of teas, or coffee.  I will no longer buy beers and wine for guests.  It will be a bit of a dry argument around here.....haha....and once my friends realise that they may stop coming....but I know they are better friends than that.  They just don't know yet that I have stopped.

I'm looking forward to going to see my brother in the hospital this afternoon, then I will come home and make a nice meal and see if the kids and their partners want to come and eat it.  And I won't be half sloshed when they get here!! 

I hope you are all enjoying a relaxing Sunday.

SALUBRIOUS SATURDAY

What a gorgeous morning it is here in good old Christchurch, sun shining, my red rhododendrons are out and about 7 daffodils, the daphne is blooming and smelling oh so sweet.  Feels like spring is in the air and I haven't got a hangover!!  YES!  This is really starting to pay off.  I even had a better sleep but only because I could sleep in, I still had a long wakeful time in the night.  But I don't panic about this as I believe it will pass.

I'm going to that Begin Again movie that our Camp Mother Mrs D enjoyed so much, and I am taking my darling daughter. I am getting a lot out of reading Jason Vale, even though I not sure I agree with every single thing he says.  Mostly I do. I don't think I agree that every single person with alcohol in their lives is addicted to it even though they may not drink much.  This is mainly because of my partner. I think many people can have alcohol in their lives without being a slave to it like I was. I don't think it does any harm at all to my man. He works really hard, goes home or comes here, often only has one beer and one red wine, or later in the week Friday, Saturday more like 3 beers and 2 or 3 wines (that would be quite a big night for him).  He never appears drunk, doesn't talk shit, plays nice music, chats, and then he stops and usually spends a couple more hours putting up with me while I would have any number more. I've not often met a more normal drinker.  So I don't really see it that everybody that drinks is a slave to a poisonous drug, even though I do accept that alcohol is poison. For someone like him I would think more like "he enjoys it, doesn't seem to do him any harm, why give it up?  He is so normal with it that over these last 4 years or so that we've been together his "normality" has totally highlighted my "abnormality".  It's not that we didn't have a nice time together when drinking, we did, but it did really expose my inability to stop, that compulsion that I just wanted one more. It's day 13 today, and I haven't minded him having a few beers or a wine over this time, I thought it best to get used to that straight away.  My lack of control should not prohibit him from enjoying one of his pleasures.  Is my thinking right here?  I am curious.

It's late afternoon now and we went to the movie and it truly is a gorgeous movie, and I reckon I know exactly which one liner made Mrs D emotional too.  Very well played by everyone in it.  I'd better go and get ready for our little dinner date before Mr Normal arrives.  Hope everyone's having a great day and that you all have safe and happy weekend.

FRIDAY AGAIN AND DAY 12

Another lousy night's sleep and it's 5.30 am and I've been awake for an hour or so and also had a wakeful time around 2.30 but went back to sleep for a bit.  Thought I might as well get up and write a few words since I couldn't yesterday as my day was somewhat extreme.  Today my youngest brother is having surgery where he gets 2/3rds of his liver cut out due to his colon cancer having spread to his liver. He has already had the colon operation. I've been lying in bed trying to send out positive healing energy for him. Very sudden and a very scary time. Today is a big day for our family.
The chocolate cravings have kicked in, bit of a worry.  Last weekend I bought a flake.  Then when I went to that Calvary movie, before I knew it I'd bought a bag of chocolate peanuts and eaten the lot in about the first 1/4 of the movie. In fact I've been rather more hungry than usual the whole time. I got up in the night one night and ate a ginger kiss, then went back and got a chocolate biscuit. I never eat them and only have them in the house for my maintenance man who helps with my business, and for my partner who has a rather sweet tooth. I'll allow myself a wee bit of decadence in these early days I think, but will try not to accept it as a regular thing.  It would be nice to eat really healthy seeing as I am being so good to my body by not throwing alcohol down my throat at every opportunity. I might as well capitalize on this positive event.  I had a look online and am toying with the idea of joining a Hot Yoga class.  They do it at high temperature to make you sweat.  Might help me relax, and sleep. Just got to carve a bit of time out of my day once or twice a week I guess. Well if I got up this stupidly early every day, and worked instead of hanging around online here, I guess that would be easy.  But I like hanging around on here, it feels good and I look forward to it. I haven't actually got anything interesting to say. Perhaps I am becoming quite boring.  I wish I could think of a good joke. I haven't laughed much this week. Maybe I will go hire a couple of good comedy DVD's tomorrow, to have something to look forward to after the Bodhi Tree dinner. MMmmmm....looking forward to that.  "Iced water please" (just practicing).
I hope a true and real "acceptance" will happen to me soon and the peace that I'm hoping will come with it. I can hardly wait to get on that "pink cloud" for a bit. Or is that months away yet, I can't remember!  Bring it on is what I say.  I hope you all have a marvelous day and treat yourselves real fine.