Very busy day yesterday on day four but I got through it pretty well all things considered.
So today is day 5 and I'm still hanging in here. I've been doing a bit of thinking, as you do when wide awake at 5.00am. I am thinking, and feeling very deeply about all the tragedy going on with the plane shot down in the Ukraine, the other Algerian one missing, and the hideous suffering of the people in Gaza. When I turned the news on at 6am I then see that a UN school where 1000 people who've lost their homes were sheltering, has been seriously attacked by bombs, and the visuals of the carnage there are so excruciatingly painful to see. One man running carrying two babies with blood on them, and so many bewildered, frightened and crying children, Mothers with faces expressing such mournful anguish and grief, crying and wailing. Brave strong men who must feel a terrible sadness, anger, and perhaps too, a sense of inadequacy at their hopeless inability to protect their families and their homes from this terrible onslaught. My heart goes out to every one of these people, including the families of the missing schoolgirls in Africa, and all people everywhere who are suffering and starving and homeless, and in war zones trying to protect those they love. There are horrific things happening in our world.
The Revelation this has given me today is one of Perspective.
I think I am suffering somewhat this week because I am trying to give up a selfish ugly and greedy habit. Trying to change my thinking to cope with that fact. I will keep trying and I am aware how new this is and how vulnerable I am. But in actual fact, I have no idea what Real suffering is. I sit here at my nice oak desk in my lovely warm and comfortable 114 year old villa, plenty of food in my fridge, tons of firewood, my children are safe, no particular money problems, pretty lucky all round I'd say. What do I feel? I feel ashamed and pathetic. I want to kick myself in the butt and tell myself to go get a real problem! Whinge whinge oh poor me I am a compulsive drinker who can't control my alcohol intake and so "OUCH' I've decided I'd better give it up....and that is going to be real hardship on poor wee me, coz I might not have so much fun any more and it might be prickly and awkward and real hard while I get used to it. Well get over yourself Prudence and try to start, to commence, to begin to imagine the pain and the grief, the eternal anguish you would feel if you lost one of Your beautiful children.
I feel such enormous compassion for the suffering of others right now that I am finding it difficult to take my alcohol addiction seriously.
I think this actually can help us all. Every time it gets really difficult, I am going to try to imagine being one of those Mothers of those little bleeding innocent babies in Gaza, who has perhaps already lost a son or a daughter or her husband in previous conflicts. I think that will help me to tolerate cravings without caving in. My problems are small. I will head into my first weekend sober in many years with these thoughts in my mind and my heart.
If anyone sees this I hope you have a fun happy positive gorgeous weekend with no naughty drinkies x