Wednesday, 30 July 2014

10 DAYS

Today has been real  busy, so busy in fact that I forgot to think about alcohol for nearly the whole day!
I'm thinking about it now though because I've just read Mrs D's lovely post and all the comments, and I've read the first couple of chapters of Jason Vale's book.  So far so good.  I'm home alone, and feeling a bit flat but that's okay.  I am not sleeping very well.  Last night I nodded off in bed for about half and hour while watching tele, missed my program then didn't get back to sleep until about 3.45am and up again at 7.30am.
I will be glad when my sleep improves.
Over all I guess I'm not doing it too hard.  I miss it for sure. It still feels kind of unbelievable that I am attempting to give it up for good. That's the hardest bit to get my head around.  A good friend just rang and said she was in the area and should she call in?  I said yes at first, sure if you feel like it. Then I felt it necessary to say that I am feeling a bit flat and I am not drinking and still had some stuff to do and I'm watching the news on 1+1 coz I missed it.  You see normally every time she visits I open a bottle of wine for her and get out some olives and cheese and crackers etc, and she drinks wine and I drink southern comfort and diet coke and we have a great old catch up and a laugh.  I love her visits.  I love her. She is pretty sensible and only has two or three small glasses as she has to drive home, and she doesn't stay late......(well unless we really get on it and she stays the night).  I always drink more than her and I continue to drink after she has gone. Anyway she was cool about it and said she'll just go home and watch the news too, and it's good that I wasn't drinking.  The truth is I am really tired, and worried about a whole lot of stuff and I just want to get into my toasty warm bed and read my book.  And on Friday my very long time friend is coming up from down South to stay the weekend.  Hopefully I've snapped out of this flat stage by then.  I've already told her what I'm up to, and I'm looking forward to seeing her, at the same time as being a little apprehensive.  I will cook on Friday night and she and my partner will probably have a few beers and wines, and there's this great Burmese restaurant The Bodhi Tree so I think I'll talk them into going there on Sat night and maybe a movie. God I sound like a real boring misery guts don't I?  I'm glad it's winter, hopefully by summer I'll be a dab wee hand at this sober stuff and won't even miss it in the slightest, and I will be laughing and happy and funny and really together, and painlessly generous in allowing others around me to do whatever they wish, without it affecting me. (I'll probably be hiding in a corner somewhere on the new laptop I'm going to get, writing stuff on Lotta's new website).  Cool, I'll hold that thought, and go read some more Jason!!

6 comments:

  1. I've also been saying that I "feel flat" and it's a weird comment, because I don't know how to describe it, yet it's exactly how I feel. Just the smallest bit off, okay, but a bit blah/bored/unsure/lonely/etc. I finished the Jason Vale book last night, still not sure what I think, but I'll probably reread it in a couple months. Take care.

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    1. Hi KS. Well today is another day for me so I am starting off with a positive attitude, even though I still couldn't get to sleep last night till after 2.30am. What is with that I wonder? The first weeks sleep was pretty normal. Well every time I lay there for ages and didn't get to sleep I picked up Jason Vale again so I have managed to read about half the book already. He makes some very valid points but I will reserve my opinion until I have finished and allowed it to sink in a bit. (I am waiting for the bit where I am going to feel positively gloriously happy to have kicked the booze to touch, and don't even crave it or think twice about it). It's a good thing that this is actually my greatest wish and I will keep going through the down times until it starts feeling like I am a winner! Have a happy day x

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  2. I have just had a staff member turn up - so very quick comment from me before I disappear. a) don't think about "forever" (I need to tell myself this, I FREAK every time I think about forever" - just think about now, and b) Bodhi tree rocks. :) Have a good day - talk soon x

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  3. Hi Colourful. Are you in Christchurch? Yes I just love that tea leaf salad and that green papaya salad and the beef curry. I have the same thing every time because I've tried just about everything else (shared plates) and nothing beats it for me. Yum...it makes me so hungry just thinking about it. Thanks for the Forever advice. But it will be hard to know what to say to people once I start telling a few more friends, coz they will all ask what my intentions are. I haven't told any of my sisters or brothers yet either. Hey but that's okay.....perhaps I just say....aww...not sure... I'll see how I go. Just to stop the tongues wagging, as probably no one would believe me or think it even possible for me, seeing it has been part of who I am for all of my adult life. Hhmmm....pretty big stuff really isn't it? We will get to that place though where Lotta is now, and we will have totally fulfilled lives, with pride and dignity, and we will feel empowered, and oh it will feel so great to drive any time and to not always be thinking about running out or stocking up or not going somewhere coz it might interfere with a good drinking night. Yay...bring it on!!! Have a cool day x

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    1. No, but I used to get to Christchurch a lot for work, and still try and get there when I can because I have lots of friends there. About what to tell people, I am still dithering about this one. I too am scared to say "forever", but if I don't, well - does that mean I have really committed? So - deep breath - I think I do need to tell people its forever when I start talking about it. Its going to be hard, really hard, but if I don't do that, well, I don't think I mean it, and I have to mean this otherwise it wont work. The "one day at a time" thing needs to be for me. If I start to freak about forever, I need to breathe, then say "just get through today girl". So, I think that's how I am going to play it xx

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  4. My brother lives in Chch Prudence and he took me to the Bodhi tree restaurant.I loved it too and yes the tea leaf salad..He is my only sibling and we are very close.He and I share a great love of nice wines and would discuss at length and share favourites.I haven't told him yet that I'm not drinking.I'm a bit scared in case I fail and I don't want to make a fuss.It just sucks when I think about it too much.But he can moderate and I can't.That's just how it is.

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