Feeling a bit weird this morning. Not because I haven't had a drink, I don't drink till about 5 anyway and I've only had one day off so far. Today will be a bit harder as I have only had 2 days off in a row about twice in the last year. I try to have 2 days off a week but very seldom 2 in a row, and half the time that whole idea goes out the window anyway. The old "fuck it" being the main excuse, but I use all the others too. I run my own company from home and I have a very busy life, so I "earn it", "deserve it", "feel like it", "why the heck not?", life is short", "life's for living, enjoy it". They all sound quite reasonable actually, don't they?
I spend a lot of time on my own, at home working during the day, and often at home on my own in the evenings. Although my 23 year old daughter lives with me - she has a boyfriend and often stays there, or he stays here and they do their own thing. The Southern Comfort is like my wee companion. I absolutely love it. It's like liquid honey going down my throat and I can't get enough of it. It gets so sick sometimes with about the second drink that I practically skull the last half of the glass because I can't wait to pour the next one. Compulsion. Yes, that's a good word. So why do I feel weird today? Because I am doing all the usual things, up, bath, hair wash, makeup, make bed, all the while fielding phone calls, and sorting out problems with electricians and maintenance people, taking bookings, answering emails..........but all the time feeling obsessed with this HUGE decision I have made. I told my children last night. Just to make it real. I also told them not to be too disappointed in me if I fail. I don't want to fail. But it feels so ENORMOUS that I feel like I might be kidding myself. Who do I think I am that I could just give it up just like that because I want to?