Well...I guess yesterdays post was a bit intense, and I was glad to be put back on track a wee bit by the kind comments from Colouful1 and Mrs D. We are all capable of great empathy for all the suffering in the world, it is extremely sad, and I felt very sad about it and still do. But I guess it is wrong for me to feel that I can compare the hideously cruel suffering of others, with my own personal life and my drinking problem. I was actually despising myself for what I have created in my life, for myself and my children. Feeling guilty to have a home and comfort.
Anyway the day went downhill quite fast after writing that post anyway. I felt all empowered when I wrote it and I meant every word. But all the time I was worried about the weekend and how to get through it. I had a busy day with my work, then went to see my younger brother who has cancer, recently diagnosed, already had a colon operation and in 10 days has two thirds of his liver cut out. I am extremely worried obviously, but we are all very positive too and it was a nice visit. I didn't tell him of my big mission as I wanted the visit to be about him. Then I had to pick up a TV for my severely Bi Polar sister, and she'd given me the wrong shop, and when I got to the right shop it was closed. When I got home my older brother rang up (I think he was pissed) and he really annoyed me, we argued, and I told him to F... off! By this time I was a strung out wreck, desperate for a drink, but determined not to, and was soon having a wee sob to my daughter in her room about my fears for my young brother, and my fears for myself. My partner had arrived for the evening before me and had lit the fire. I cooked us all dinner and sat down 'a little bit bleary and worse for wear and tear', and we went to bed early and watched Seven Days and Johnno and Ben. So that was day 5 and today is day 6. I'm going to get fat at this rate, I cooked bacon eggs and chips for us for breakfast, then we did a bit of running around, then needed to check on something in Diamond Harbour, so we had leek and potato soup and garlic bread for lunch at a nice cafe over there, and now I am up at his place high in the hills, using his computer to sneak a wee blog out, while he is dragging firewood around with a tractor and chainsawing it up to keep me warm with his big stone open fireplace. And then he will cook me a roast lamb dinner. I have felt really raw about talking to him about stopping. We don't see each other during the week until Thursday, and it is not unheard of for me not to have a drink on a Thursday when he comes over, coz sometimes I used to decide to give it a real good nudge on the Wednesday, so I could give it a miss on the Thursday so he would get one day out of four where I was my nice normal self. When I drink I am not a complete maniac or anything......I just find it very difficult to stop, which would certainly make me more of a maniac than him! Often with the result of me staying up later listening to more music and having a couple more. He is a very sensible man. Anyway, he certainly noticed it last night, and could see and feel my distress, and he asked me and I told him. We talked a little more about it today on the drive to Diamond Harbour. I feel very exposed and fragile today. I've got some wee peachee bundabergs and when he has a beer or wine I will have one of those with ice in a nice glass. (I just love the sound of the ice clinking in the glass). Just a wee left over nostalgia after being a top shelf spirits drinker for nearly 2/3s of my life!!! Day 7 tomorrow....bring it on!
Exposed and fragile is a very good way to put it.. and you'll feel like that for a bit longer yet. Tears will fall out of your eyes at the oddest moments.. and things will all feel rather raw.. but keep going and that will smooth out. I was in bed last night watching 7 Days and Jono & Ben too! Although I usually fall asleep before the end of J & B. Sad sack me.. early to bed, early to rise.. that's what I've always been like even when I was boozing. Looking forward to my cup of tea tonight and a nice cosy evening. Hope you have a good one with your man xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your support. I feel so grateful to have found this way of expressing myself. It is actually incredible, and better and easier than trying to talk with friends (yet) because everyone on here is trying to do the same thing. So there is not that Shock Horror What...You? sort of initial response. Have a lovely sunday xo
DeleteHey your life is intense right now. Keep being kind to yourself, and please please don't beat yourself up for anything. All you are going through is very real and very hard. Well done you for not drinking, and I really believe you can continue on this path, no matter how tough it gets. I can't tell you that the "no drinking" thing will get better from experience, but other's experience tells us it will - and that it is gong to be so damn worth it. Hang in there, keep blogging, you'll be supported. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Colourful. I so appreciate that you take the time to give me encouragement on my first week. You seem to be a very understanding person. I know all this will be worth it. I am picking up that Jason Vale book tomorrow from my library, so that will be my reading matter this week. While waiting for it I have been reading a book on Calming the Brain. Interesting but a bit intense and technical. About how how frontal lobes have become almost overdeveloped due to technology etc and the different functions of core brain and frontal lobes etc. Also one on called Finding the Flipside. It is not about alcohol but about finding the hidden opportunity in times of crisis or great adversity. I absolutely love reading and figure I used to spend enough time drinking, (as well as reading actually)so I can allow myself to be a bit of a couch potato with a good book any time I can spare now. Have an excellent week. Be proud of yourself. xo
DeleteYes hang in there you are not alone.
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