TRAVELLING IN THE FAST LANE AGAIN

Once upon a time in the heady cocaine fueled days of Sydney that title would hold a completely different meaning for me than what it does now.  It would mean up all night, probably ending up at the Manzil Room at about 2 or 3am, playing backgammon at dark low tables in between dancing to amazing live music, popping out my little red makeup mirror to do a couple more lines, lining up another southern comfort and possbily a nice baileys and ice as well, smoothly gliding around in high red stillettos, tight jeans and a slinky little top on my 7 stone 24-28 year old body. And I thought this was really living, and it was, and I loved it. I had a second hand shop, partners with a girlfriend.  She liked the early shift so I didn't start till one. A few hours sleep, a couple of lines to kick my day off, a few more later to stay awake (I had a wee hole drilled in the wall so I could hide out the back of the shop to do coke and still see if anyone came in)........
Well that was then and this is now. Here I am sitting up in bed at 5.45am. Yesterday was hillarious when I look back.  Up early to use the bathroom before my Airbnb guests wake up, work for a while, send Dave out on yard missions, send John to collect a caravan, prepare from scratch a beef vindaloo and put it in the slow cooker, meet daughter for lunch at Mexicano's, our favourite, then off I go the the RV centre to look at a 22ft Furnware caravan from the 70's. Loved it, bought it, then ended up upstairs in their storage area buying rolls of furnishing fabric for about $2 a meter and now invited to go up there whenever I need anything for my caravans and see if they've got it. While there I got a call from one of my guests to say another lot of guests had arrived and she'd let them in and showed them the house and their room etc. Heck! That was unconfirmed so I didn't think they were actually coming, lucky the room was ready though, minus the towels.  Hot tailed it home, meet and greet, slip out again to get breakfast supplies. Discover that I'd somehow turned slow cooker off at wall.  Bugger.  chucked it in oven instead. Back to desk for an hour or so catching up. Window broken in caravan travelling for Fleetwood Mac, help them sort that. Another one returned to back lawn, bond check that. Make all the accoutrements for the curry. Daughter arrives with her two staffies, Maddy and Lloyd, hillarious, rough and tumble playing all over the lounge, savage sounding growling and very boisterious, but funny. I'd promised first guests I'd cook them a curry before they left and they move today so last night was last chance. Invited new guests to join us, so dinner for 6 now. New guests (historians and lecturers down here for conference) come down to lounge, lady in sheepskin slippers.......youngest puppy Lloyd immediately started eating them and there's fluff strewn across the carpet before she's even fully in the room......oops! off she went to put shoes on instead, God only knows what they are thinking by now!  But they love curries, and dogs, so we won them over pretty quick I think. So here I am entertaining a couple of strangers and my 2 "old" friends, a Canadian/Australian couple who've been here 2 weeks and feel like part of the woodwork by now.  Plenty of lively and interesting conversation and humour had by all. I hope the new ones don't think I always cook, as they're here for 5 days. haha.
So yes, my life in the fast lane these days is a far cry from what seemed fun in my youth.  I think I thrive on pressure, and being busy, and accomplishing a lot in short spaces of time.  I love my life, and I love how it changes, and I love how capable I feel most of the time to adapt to whatever is happening.  I love living in the moment and I am trying to do just that.  To enjoy each moment (when I remember) for what it is, instead of using each moment as a means to get to the next one.  So easy to live our whole lives that way without even knowing it.  Rush rush rushing always to get to the next thing, when we are ignoring the special moments of just observing what's happening right now.
Well right now I'd better get up and have a shower before my four guests wake up.
Over and out!

AIN'T LIFE A TREAT

The weekend in Wellington was amazingly awesome.  I dont' even know where to start to describe the happiness and humour and pure joy we all experienced at meeting and getting to know each other, and having a whole weekend in which to do so.  The highlight was having a big get together at the Southern Cross Hotel downtown, in a big private part of the pub, mocktails all round and tasty treats, and our Lotta in our midst enjoying the catch up just as much as we were.  It was beautiful, and it really touched me when she spoke to us.  She explained that although we all feel a gratefulness to her, perhaps for being our catylist in getting sober, that the truth for her is that she has never really felt she truly fitted in anywhere, at school, at work, at uni, and just in general.  Until now.  Until she found her people in the blogging world as she struggled to get sober herself, and found all of us on her website, all sorts of people from all over the world coming together online to help each other out, and to be understood.  She said she has found her Tribe.  That we are her tribe.  It was very moving and there were a few tears around the room.  It is a tribe I am proud and happy to belong to.
It was so cool seeing my friend Charlie again and meeting so many others and having fun meals out and tons of laughter.

Came home to a busy house as I am now running my home as an AirBnB.   I've got the two front rooms all tarted up, and I have a lovely young lady from the UK here for quite a while, and a man from Hawaii has just left.  It's different, but quite easy, and definitely not something I'd consider in a million years if I was still slugging back southern comfort like it's the last hurrah!  All of the money will go towards building my home, so there is a good sense of purpose involved, and it is easier and more lucrative than having permanent housemates.

I am feeling very happy and content.  I just love the springtime and the renewed energy and warmth that it brings.  I've planted lots of flowers, the lawns are mowed, the house is clean and tidy, and I feel like I can do anything.  I feel like things are finally clicking into place for me.  It has been a long cold winter.  But all the lost and lonely hard and struggling moments of adjustment have been worth it to get to Now. Now I know that it isn't "sobriety" that I am so happy about (I don't like that word at all, never have, it sounds so straight and narrow and boring and limiting), it is not about "being sober", so much as being free.  "Free of alcohol".  I no longer have a physcological addiction to a substance.  I feel so free.  I do not need it to feel contentment and purpose and happiness in my life.  I do not need it to be my true and best self.   I do not need it to have fun and laughter, or enjoy communication on many levels, and I don't need it to feel like I belong.  Oh....and newsflash!!  I am on my fourth week and fifth day of freedom from my 40 year cigarette habit too.  That's been a biggie but we won't talk about that dirty filthy stinking degrading shameful little habit any more because I don't have that habit any more.  Gone.

What I do have is Netflix (goodbye Sky) and I love it, so now I will get myself all tucked up with a mohair rug on the couch, at home on a Saturday night, by myself, as usual, no problem, and I will watch a few episodes of Luther, my favourite and most excellent new addiciton, a British crime drama.  Over and out.......

Ain't life a treat!

TIMES, THEY ARE A CHANGING!!

"Times, they are a changing".  It's Monday morning and I'm awake at 3.48am and there's nothing too unusual about that in itself, but here's whats different.  As I woke and thoughts rushed into my head, as they do, I actually greeted them with a smile.  My thoughts are welcome.  They are good thoughts. They are thoughts of love and pride and contentment.  I am happy.  I'm happy with myself, my home, my family, and my life.  Whatever the day brings I know I can handle it, and for all of this I am feeling quite enormously grateful.

Need I even mention where the thoughts used to go when I woke in the early hours?  We all know that sinking feeling........oooops! I over did it again, did I get a wee bit stroppy?  Oh that's right I was mean to my partner coz he wanted to go to bed (after 8 hours physical labour, dinner, tele, music, 2 beers and 2 wines, mainly to keep me company while I guzzled down a gutful of southern comfort) and then I tell him how boring he is....again!   Poor man, he was probably relieved when I ended it! And there’s that sinking feeling I used to get when I knew deep down I was on the slippery slope and it was just a matter of degrees.  Others were much worse than me, surely, because I could get up and face the day and run my business, my home and my life, so I must be okay.  But I always feared what my future would look like and I knew it wasn't pretty.  A pissed old lady is never pretty.  Add in a good measure of swear words, a louder voice, raucous laughter and some cigarettes, and you get the full picture.

I have a challenging week ahead with a lot to accomplish before I head off to Wellington on Friday to meet up with some of my friends from the LS website who I've been communicating with for over a year.  We've shared our innermost feelings, our fears and failures, our hopes and our triumphs.  We've commiserated, or jollied each other along, we've shared humour, virtual hugs, empathy, concern and pride. It's going to be a beautiful thing for us all to meet and smile and begin to know one another a little for real, face to face, during this special weekend.  It is quite unique and beautiful to have the feelings of closeness, loyalty, protectiveness, trust, and a kind of love for a whole big bunch of people - most of whom I haven't ever met.  And I love it, and I am proud and grateful, excited and even honoured to be flying up to meet with them.

Becoming sober, Lotta and her website, and the friendships forged within this community have changed my life.  I'm happy and excited to see what each day brings.  Even if it's rain and gloom and there's things I'm worried about, I am still  happy on the inside.  I know I am different now, a bit quieter, and even a bit boring, but it's a wee adventure in itself discovering little surprises about myself and watching my life unfold.  In many ways it seems self indulgent to ponder and then write my feelings like this, because it's all about me, but that is in fact what becoming sober is all about.  It is facing our own selves, our thoughts and our feelings, and taking command of our lives without any mind and mood altering drugs to hide behind and embolden us.  The future is unknown but I trust myself to make the most of it, so yeah, bring it on.  There's that expression "Girl....you have no shame"  Well it's true, I don't!  And I love it.

RISING CONTENTMENT

I had a wee epiphany in the night. But I can’t quite grasp any more what it was, but it felt really good and was along the lines of how flipping fabulous it is to have kicked the shit to the curb, and how cool my life is now. It was like I suddenly realised fully how far I have come this past year, and how much I have changed and how good and solid and stable my life is, and I myself am. I am taking on new enterprises (like the two Irish AirBandB guests I’ve got tucked away in the top bedroom, still sleeping) and the other hot young 25 year old girl I’ve got booked up who’s coming out from the UK to spend 6 whole months living with me here at $300 per week. And like getting it together over the last few weeks to address the issue of my business being suddenly very quiet after several years of absolutely booming. I So enjoyed the quiet time, and I am so focused and “straight” that instead of panicking about not making much money for a while, I just honestly didn’t care at all, I loved it, having time for a change, and I looked at the situation with curiosity until I realised that life is sorting out my direction for me. Slow time suits me beautifully I’ve decided, so I have sold 9 of my caravans on Trademe, got rid of all the older and rougher ones (the shitters as I call them) and have now got a tidy wee sum to put towards whatever I decide to do with it. In the meantime things are starting to pick up as the weather warms up, and I know all will be well.  I’ve also bought another wee property “as is where is, uninsured” a tiny house on quite a big section with heaps of huge San Pedro cacti growing in the garden which look really cool (it’s main redeeming feature actually)!

I’ve had my friends Brenda and Iain staying for a couple of weeks, they’ve now gone to Nelson for a bit, and I’ve so loved having their company, it made my house more of a home again after a pretty much long cold and lonely winter. They lit me fires every night and we had lots of yummy dinners, lots of laughter, great conversations about all sorts of interesting stuff, and they are very easy and comfortable to have around. Pretty easy on the eye too, what a gorgeous looking couple they are, we even discussed them becoming “old people models” haha!

So this sobriety stint is going pretty well.  Forever still seems like a long time and I know I’m only one decision, one glass away from losing all I have gained, but for now I am loving it. Still a bit socially awkward but that’s mainly because I don’t often do anything social any more. I might give that a bit of a nudge today and go down to see my friend Carmel play at Freemans, haven’t done that since last summer.  And next weekend it’s my nephews 21^st so that’ll be something very cool to look forward to as well.

The Irish are still in bed at 9.45am, I was going to offer to cook them bacon and eggs but I might nick off out to a movie at Alices or Academy and leave them a note to help themselves (might as well start off how I mean to carry on and all I’m supposed to do is provide cereal and fruit and toast and coffee). They might like getting up and having the house to themselves.  It does feel a wee bit weird but this is my first booking as a host, I thought I might as well give it a shot and I was rather shocked to get these 2 bookings in my first week of listing.  I bought another queen bed at the auctions on Friday so I can set up another guest bedroom and double my options. Better than flatmates as they pay way more money and they don’t stay long.

Seem to be having trouble getting my feelings out, so suffice to say that all is well in my heart. I am happy and confident and quietly proud of myself and excited to see what comes next. I will have an insurance decision on my Diamond Harbour house in the next week or two and the outcome of that will determine my next mission.

Being sober rocks and is so much smarter than the way I used to roll.

And all the cool people are getting sober these days!

 

 

BAY OF PLENTY

I'm up in the sky flying to Rotorua this morning. My great little online buddy Charlie Gilbert (who gave up the booze on the same day I did in July last year) has very gorgeously invited me for a holiday on their cool new farm in the Bay of Plenty. We feel like old friends as we've been reading and commenting on each other's blogs for over a year, emailing, a few phone calls, and we're both members of the brilliant Living Sober website. So this is the next step in our friendship.....we actually get to meet each other and spend time together. Not the ususal way friendships evolve, but I don't think either of us were ever particularly ordinary!  She's picking me up in Rotorua and in the morning we are having a brunch with her local group of LS members who have a meet up every couple of months. We've both had to keep our traps shut for a whole month as she is bringing me along as a wee surprise for this gathering. I feel very priviledged to be invited into her home, and to spend time with her family and I'm very excited to meet her. I already adore her. She's a bit of a fitness guru and I'm terrified of all the exercise she'll probably make me do......nah not really, I'm looking forward to it, got my trackies and runners, we are going to walk around Mount Maunganui if the weather report is wrong and it doesn't hose down the whole time I'm there. And if it does, who cares! we've got a huge lovely home, big spa bath undercover, and four whole days and nights to get to know each other for real and face to face. Feeling very lucky. And as if that isn't enough, this week we've all managed to put together a pretty damn fine plan for the first weekend in October where about 30 LS members from all over NZ are congregating in Wellington, staying mostly in the same accommodation, just about booked the place right out, in Lyall Bay, and will spend the weekend putting faces and real names to each other after many moons of giving and recieving amazing support, knowledge and humour on the website. All these people feel like real friends, we all really care about each other, so it's going to be a beautiful thing to take it that next step and make it all in the flesh real. We're planning a shared lunch with Mrs D for the Saturday, and my other blogging mate Colourful1 has offered up her home as a venue for this, which will be so cool and make it so much more casual and relaxed than the formaility of a restaurant, which just doesn't work with 30 odd people! Pun intended.  She's even lending us a car!  What a woman!  So.....after a fairly boring long cold lonely winter things are revving up, and I am finding my community expanding in this life changing sober gig I'm on. Bring it on I say......"getting better all the time".......rock n roll .........

Ooops I actually wrote this on the plane a couple of days ago and been having such a good time I forgot to post it......

A WHOLE YEAR SOBER

Heck!!! Here I go. I’ve finally arrived at one whole flipping year sober!!!  Who would have ever thought!! Not me, thats for sure!

Looking back it has been both hard and easy at the same time. The hardest thing was the decision......that took a good 40 years!! hahaha.... but once made, I am stuck with it so to speak, or at least I hope so. So then it is just the not so simple little matter of getting on with it. It is rather a shock to find that I am not quite how I believed myself to be. Who knew that I am actually quite shy sometimes, and happy to be a home body, that that great restlessness within me can be quelled in other ways than drinking myself silly, talking my head off, and being eternally ready for any drinking session, any time and for any reason at all, or no reason at all!

I never look at drunk people with disdain because I know they are having a good time in the moment, and I fully remember how that was once me. I don't look at them with pity because I know I would have hated to be pitied for having all the great fun happy laughing times I have had pissed!  I look at them with knowledge.  That one day some of them will probably choose to face up to their own problem, that deep inside there is a fear in many of their own dependence, and for the notoriously drunk ones, that tomorrow they will be surfing the great wave of remorse! 

I try never to allow myself to feel disgust when I smell it on people's breath, it is just what alcohol smells like, and it’s not as bad as sardines!  I remember (or not)! the thousands of conversations I've had in loud places, getting right in someone's ear with booze, tobacco and probably garlic on my breath as well!  No one ever told me my breath stunk.  Even drunk people are gracious and have many qualities, and I will remember that.

Looking forward, I am not afraid of the life I will have if I remain committed to the straight and narrow (not so narrow at all actually). There is much abundance out there for me that I haven't even tapped into yet, coz I'm deliberately a bit slow with the inner growth.  I don't search for it any more, I just allow it to come to me bit by bit in it's own good time. Slowly but surely that is happening, and I am becoming. 

I am far more afraid of the life I will have if I do not stay committed.  I would have a hell of a lot more fun, for sometimes false and short lived periods of time.  I would have an active social life once more, with people who are mainly with me coz I'm great fun to drink with.  I would laugh more and talk more and dance more and meet lots more people.  But I wouldn't have the quiet contentment and growing peace inside of me that comes from knowing I am living my life how I am meant to.  I wouldn't have the certainty that there is a great connection out there somewhere that will find me when the time is right.  That sounds stupid but I know it is true, because I have so much in me I want to give, that it would be very wasteful if that energy does not connect and lift the spirit of another worthy soul.  And hey, if it's wishful thinking, then there's always the future grandchildren whom I long to adore. 

It has been quite a lonely year in many ways, the adjustment to not having my nightly companion in a glass (or 10), my daughter leaving home, my son away building a lot, the end of a kind and companiable realtionship with a good hearted lovely man. As a result of all this I’m spending more time alone than I've ever spent in my life. After a very busy life, marriage, children, end of marriage, single parenting, house full of teens, then two long relationships, running busy businnesses through all of that, Hell it is about time I spent some time alone.  So that is how I am looking at it, time for me.  Time to heal and time to grow, so the rest of my life can be time to give and share and love and laugh and be happy.....and SOBER!!! Bring it on.......and all the cool people are getting sober these days…..so pretty soon I won’t feel like a freak!!! hahaha

 

 

IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS

 

Not long home from a big day out with my daughter helping her do her groceries within her budget, she did very well considering her rather extravagant tastes (inherited I’d say).  A great wave of generosity and pride in her came over me in a lovely shoe shop and I shouted us both a gorgeous new pair of boots, very classy, she is over the moon and I am about $500 lighter in the pocket (but they were reduced from $399each…..bargain)! haha.....hardly teaching frugality am I!  I hate that word anyway "frugal" what a nasty little word!!

 

In the grand scheme of life I am fine with nothing to complain about. Within myself, though, I am still going through a rough patch. I am finding that I am not grabbing life by the teeth and embracing it.  Feeling less comfortable in my own skin. There may be a lot of reasons for this, most I've already talked about.  I just have to “harden up” and get on with it.  Actually I was going to go to that movie this afternoon, it’s had good reviews all week and I could use a bit of comedy, but it starts in 5 mins and I got home too late, maybe tomorrow.  It isn’t like I am all miserable all the time, I'm not at all, I am very grateful for so much, and generally quite content. I guess there is still that great big glaring hole where alcohol used to be, and sometimes I miss it so bad. It’s at times like those that I can’t really believe I will continue this forever, that it is only a matter of time, and at some point I will give in. I think all of this through and I know not to romanticise how it was and how it would be again.  I know the reality would be straight back to an over indulging glutton for punishment stupid fucking idiot when she’s pissed, loud, occasionally aggressive, often argumentative, unbecoming, undignified, know it all, can’t shut the fuck up, don’t know when to stop, version of myself. Living with that underlying sinking feeling and all the awful ramifications that come with that. I see very clearly how things will be for me if I do not continue on my current path.  I am 59 now and I know my health will not hold up if I go back to my old life. I know I would be letting myself down, but more so my children and future grandchildren, a time I am really looking forward to.

The only conclusion is not to drink.  To accept that my life will change, in time, and that I must do all the inner stuff required to make that happen, and to be ready for the joy that is waiting for me out there somewhere.

I don’t do winter well, especially on my own, things feel bleaker than they are. I am quite happy in my own company, it is not like I am longing for company all the time or wish to have others living in my home. (I should, I’d make a small fortune if I rented out the 3 spare double bedrooms)!. It is very peaceful now that my business is quiet for a while, to be here at home and pick and choose how I spend my time. I’m able to get on with other plans and projects that will help in my retirement, which I would like to see arrive sooner rather than later.  I also live with a fair amount of pressure coming from all directions, and I guess also the pressure I put on myself to keep on keeping on and to do everything at all times, sober.  I have become more introverted than I’ve ever been before, this is hard to get used to after always being the life of the flipping party!

 

It's Saturday night so I might go and do something really exciting and different now, like go to my toastie warm bed and watch a movie.