Saturday, 20 June 2015


Not long home from a big day out with my daughter helping her do her groceries within her budget, she did very well considering her rather extravagant tastes (inherited I’d say).  A great wave of generosity and pride in her came over me in a lovely shoe shop and I shouted us both a gorgeous new pair of boots, very classy, she is over the moon and I am about $500 lighter in the pocket (but they were reduced from $399each…..bargain)! haha.....hardly teaching frugality am I!  I hate that word anyway "frugal" what a nasty little word!!
In the grand scheme of life I am fine with nothing to complain about. Within myself, though, I am still going through a rough patch. I am finding that I am not grabbing life by the teeth and embracing it.  Feeling less comfortable in my own skin. There may be a lot of reasons for this, most I've already talked about.  I just have to “harden up” and get on with it.  Actually I was going to go to that movie this afternoon, it’s had good reviews all week and I could use a bit of comedy, but it starts in 5 mins and I got home too late, maybe tomorrow.  It isn’t like I am all miserable all the time, I'm not at all, I am very grateful for so much, and generally quite content. I guess there is still that great big glaring hole where alcohol used to be, and sometimes I miss it so bad. It’s at times like those that I can’t really believe I will continue this forever, that it is only a matter of time, and at some point I will give in. I think all of this through and I know not to romanticise how it was and how it would be again.  I know the reality would be straight back to an over indulging glutton for punishment stupid fucking idiot when she’s pissed, loud, occasionally aggressive, often argumentative, unbecoming, undignified, know it all, can’t shut the fuck up, don’t know when to stop, version of myself. Living with that underlying sinking feeling and all the awful ramifications that come with that. I see very clearly how things will be for me if I do not continue on my current path.  I am 59 now and I know my health will not hold up if I go back to my old life. I know I would be letting myself down, but more so my children and future grandchildren, a time I am really looking forward to.

The only conclusion is not to drink.  To accept that my life will change, in time, and that I must do all the inner stuff required to make that happen, and to be ready for the joy that is waiting for me out there somewhere.

I don’t do winter well, especially on my own, things feel bleaker than they are. I am quite happy in my own company, it is not like I am longing for company all the time or wish to have others living in my home. (I should, I’d make a small fortune if I rented out the 3 spare double bedrooms)!. It is very peaceful now that my business is quiet for a while, to be here at home and pick and choose how I spend my time. I’m able to get on with other plans and projects that will help in my retirement, which I would like to see arrive sooner rather than later.  I also live with a fair amount of pressure coming from all directions, and I guess also the pressure I put on myself to keep on keeping on and to do everything at all times, sober.  I have become more introverted than I’ve ever been before, this is hard to get used to after always being the life of the flipping party!
It's Saturday night so I might go and do something really exciting and different now, like go to my toastie warm bed and watch a movie.


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