Sunday, 31 May 2015


I seem to be a bit stuck with lethargy, procrastination, tiredness, laziness, self doubt, insecurity, aloneness, and a general sense of dis-ease. I think if I put words to it all it might help to lift it. 

I can't be bothered cooking, housework is a joke so thank God I've got a housekeeper. I live on cheese and crackers or poached eggs or a baked spud with cheese and sour cream and tomoto relish my sister made, and random sweet things. It's got so on a day like today, a holiday, or a Sunday when I should ask the kids over for a big yummy roast I just can't be bothered. I have never really felt like this before, I've always cooked and enjoyed it. I love pampering my kids. I miss them. I am avoiding pretty much all social occasions too, just can't get enthused about going out and not drinking.  Would rather stay at home with a book or a movie where the fact of not drinking isn't put right in my face. Hence I have missed some nice events lately with live music played by old friends.

I have never suffered depression so I don't really know what it looks like from the inside. Maybe I just need to give myself a good kick up the arse and get over myself. I went shopping yesterday, and since I wrote the last sentence I have prepared a vege frittata with potatoe, kumara, cauliflour, celery, shallots, garlic, spinach, baby tomatoes, capsicum, cheese, egg and tomatoe puree and a couple of herbs......and put it in the oven. (I kicked myself in the arse) so that will be some healthy eating taken care of. I've tidied the kitchen and put the dishwasher on.  I've soaked some tops that needed it. The thought of weeding the garden makes me almost physically sick, so that can wait (probably till summer)! I forgot to mention I am smoking more cigarettes and I can't bring myself to go for walks or do any exercise.  I just wish I could crawl into bed and wake up next summer.  My arm is still sore with that stupid bursitis I've had since Christmas, and the rest of my body feels old and sluggish, and achy and tubby.

I guess I will just try to force myself to do all the normal things that people do and not dwell on the flat awful scary uncomfortable way I am feeling.

Fuck I'd love to get pissed!!!

Then I would be right back to the laughing fun energetic social crazy tortured soul I used to be.

I must become less self absorbed and take up more constructive pursuits.

I will try.  I am not going to drink.
Anyone got any good cocaine?  A few big flipping snorts of that might sort me out!!



  1. Oh dear. No cocaine here sorry. Do you miss the laughing fun energetic social crazy tortured soul you used to be? I didn't know her.. but I like the kind gentle introverted connected real authentic Prudence that I have got to know and love over the past few months. Can I trot out some cliches? Hang in there. This too shall pass. Please don't give up on yourself.. and who cares if you go through a lazy phase, seems to me you are a bit of a busy-a-colic and maybe these lazy (low) phases are part of your transition into a more sustainable slightly less busy-all-the-time norm... if it went on FOREVER I'd really start to worry but given the frittata I'm not that worried yet. Big hugs you are really really lovely and worth a lovely sober life. Remember... booze is shit and it lies that it will make your emotions go away.. don't romanticise your boozy lifestyle if you can help it.. I bet there were more negatives than positives in it. Love me xxx

  2. that was supposed to read busy-a-holic!

  3. Thanks Lotta, and yes there is much I miss, but also yes there were more negatives than positives. I do know that I am on the right path but it's like I've been put in a big cocktail shaker that hasn't quite got the mix right and all the versions that pour out are left wanting. (terrible choice of analogy, sorry)! It's okay. I will just stay stuck until I am not. I think that it is not all about my sobriety either. It is my adjustment to being alone, kids gone, where to live, when and how to retire, how to feel fulfilled in my life again. Big stuff. To drink would not help. I know this. I will just keep trying to feel less at sea. Thank you for your kindness and caring. I am just being a bit of a whimp!! xo

  4. A kick in the arse from me to you, but probably not too ouchy as I'm wearing my fuzzy slippers. Cycles of down time are much more noticed when sober aren't they? Can you plan next weekend around a nice meal for your kiddo's? Give yourself the luxury of some quiet time until it doesn't feel comfortable then make some plans, even if they aren't the most exciting, it is still good to have something on the calendar. Enjoy your dinner, yum!!

  5. It doesn't sound like depression. Or at least not what my personal experience with depression is.
    Perhaps you just need a break. A day where you give yourself complete permission to do nothing. No should be. No guilt. Sleep, eat, smoke. Relax and stop being hard on yourself.

    Drinking will not bring out a free, fun loving person. It will only waste a day and drag you down.



  6. Thanks QD and AA for your comments. I don't plan on drinking so don't worry. Back to hugely busy today. Obviously I function better at a fast pace. Just sometimes things get really hard emotionally, and I feel a bit lost. Like I said I will try to get over myself! xo

  7. Prudence, I so know you are on the right path, even though for whatever reason you feel like you are hitting a wall. You have had so many life changes in the past year, I wonder if it's all just catching up with you. I'm not very good with advice, but I am very good at being a friend and simply being there for people. So I've got that to offer you - my love and support xx