"Times, they are a changing". It's Monday morning and I'm awake at 3.48am and there's nothing too unusual about that in itself, but here's whats different. As I woke and thoughts rushed into my head, as they do, I actually greeted them with a smile. My thoughts are welcome. They are good thoughts. They are thoughts of love and pride and contentment. I am happy. I'm happy with myself, my home, my family, and my life. Whatever the day brings I know I can handle it, and for all of this I am feeling quite enormously grateful.
Need I even mention where the thoughts used to go when I woke in the early hours? We all know that sinking feeling........oooops! I over did it again, did I get a wee bit stroppy? Oh that's right I was mean to my partner coz he wanted to go to bed (after 8 hours physical labour, dinner, tele, music, 2 beers and 2 wines, mainly to keep me company while I guzzled down a gutful of southern comfort) and then I tell him how boring he is....again! Poor man, he was probably relieved when I ended it! And there’s that sinking feeling I used to get when I knew deep down I was on the slippery slope and it was just a matter of degrees. Others were much worse than me, surely, because I could get up and face the day and run my business, my home and my life, so I must be okay. But I always feared what my future would look like and I knew it wasn't pretty. A pissed old lady is never pretty. Add in a good measure of swear words, a louder voice, raucous laughter and some cigarettes, and you get the full picture.
I have a challenging week ahead with a lot to accomplish before I head off to Wellington on Friday to meet up with some of my friends from the LS website who I've been communicating with for over a year. We've shared our innermost feelings, our fears and failures, our hopes and our triumphs. We've commiserated, or jollied each other along, we've shared humour, virtual hugs, empathy, concern and pride. It's going to be a beautiful thing for us all to meet and smile and begin to know one another a little for real, face to face, during this special weekend. It is quite unique and beautiful to have the feelings of closeness, loyalty, protectiveness, trust, and a kind of love for a whole big bunch of people - most of whom I haven't ever met. And I love it, and I am proud and grateful, excited and even honoured to be flying up to meet with them.
Becoming sober, Lotta and her website, and the friendships forged within this community have changed my life. I'm happy and excited to see what each day brings. Even if it's rain and gloom and there's things I'm worried about, I am still happy on the inside. I know I am different now, a bit quieter, and even a bit boring, but it's a wee adventure in itself discovering little surprises about myself and watching my life unfold. In many ways it seems self indulgent to ponder and then write my feelings like this, because it's all about me, but that is in fact what becoming sober is all about. It is facing our own selves, our thoughts and our feelings, and taking command of our lives without any mind and mood altering drugs to hide behind and embolden us. The future is unknown but I trust myself to make the most of it, so yeah, bring it on. There's that expression "Girl....you have no shame" Well it's true, I don't! And I love it.