Sitting up in bed right now watching the people go up and down on the Gondala. I'm down in Queenstown with a new friend who I met yesterday when we flew down here together to attend Mrs D's speaking event this evening. Really looking forward to hearing Lotta's story first hand and also meeting other Living Sober members who are here for the event. The sun is shining and the scenery spectacular and it is very cool to be back in this beautiful town, which holds many happy memories for me.
I think I am 93 days sober today and there have been some big changes in my life. I miss my long time companion hugely and that is certainly taking some adjusting to. I am spending way more time alone than I ever have in many years, and that is ok too as I have much to learn and a lot more changes and improvements to make. I try not to beat myself up for not making these improvments quicker. If I stay living without alcohol I am hoping these positive changes will just gradually happen.
Wow! A bright blue and orange paraglider just literally flew past my bedroom window. Never a dull moment down here!
I haven't got anything very insightful to say, in fact I am having a little trouble expressing myself of late. A bit of inner turbulence. That is to be expected I suppose, if one is taking a good hard and brutally honest look at ones self.
However, one mustn't be too serious and introspective either, as there is so much to be positive about, and so much fun to be had, so much work to be done, so many movies to be watched and so many books to be read. And so many hash browns and eggs to be eaten. I'm starving! Time for a wee walk into town, a nice breakfast, and a walk beside the Lake. Might do a part 2 after the event!
Tuesday, 21 October 2014
Saturday, 11 October 2014
SUNNY SATURDAY
I’ve been having a real happy time the last couple of days,
I think I am on my first pink cloud! I’ve
had plenty of other happy days but this is different. It is kind of exciting when you can hardly
wipe the smile off your face, and every song that comes on the radio is a
fantastic old classic from the 70’s or 80’s and they all feel like my favourite
song, especially Beast of Burden from the Stones.
I have been thinking of something I learned in a course I
did once on Intuitive Therapy. I did the
one year course to get better in touch with and develop my own intuition. I was
thinking it might help anyone struggling out there with any situation at all,
even including deciding to get sober, or staying sober if you already are. These are the four A’s of Intuitve Therapy:
A – Acknowledgement (fully acknowledging the problem, whatever it
is, taking the time to really acknowledge it)
A – Acceptance (this takes a wee bit longer, but to fully
accept and own the situation)
A – Allowing (this is
to fully allow all of the feelings you have around the situation and to sit
with those feelings and allow yourself to really feel them, allow them to come
right up to the surface and be experienced, however painful and uncomfortable,
and for as long as it takes)
A – Action (Once the
first three steps have been achieved fully and deeply, the action to take will
be revealed to yourself, from yourself, and you will be ready to take the
action required. You will absolutely
Know what needs to be done and how to go about it).
This has helped me immensely sometimes, with big problems
and small. If it is a small problem it
may only take five or ten minutes. If it is a bigger more deep seated problem,
it might take days, or longer. There is
no rush, as it is a very thorough way of dealing with stuff. When drinking a lot I usually forgot to put
this into practice, but when I did, I have always had very positive results in
getting out of a stuck place and making my life much better.
I saw a T-Shirt I loved once. It said “Take My Advice, I’m Not Using It”
This sort of suits me a wee bit, because I often know the
answers, and can advise or help others, but I fail to use any of my own learning
on myself. I aim to get better at that.
My brother saw an old friend today who must of heard that I've given up drinking, and he said "I feel really sorry for all those people losing their jobs" My brother said "what people"? the friend said " All the poor bastards down at the distillery, now that Southern Comfort has had to go out of business" !!
My brother saw an old friend today who must of heard that I've given up drinking, and he said "I feel really sorry for all those people losing their jobs" My brother said "what people"? the friend said " All the poor bastards down at the distillery, now that Southern Comfort has had to go out of business" !!
Wednesday, 1 October 2014
BANISH THOSE BOOZY THOUGHTS!!
For some reason I have been thinking a lot about the taste of Southern Comfort, and how it feels sliding down my throat, and how it sounds when mixed with the diet coke and about 6 blocks of ice and the gentle tinkling sound it makes when I raise the glass to my mouth. I also love the sound when I pour just the first drink out of a new bottle and it sort of makes an interesting "glug glug glug" sound. I thought maybe if I face it completely head on and write about these thoughts and feelings, and dreams I've had, that I might be able to figure out what's going on and how to banish them.
I've thought about how many over at livingsober.org have had multiple day 1's or at least more than just their first attempt at being sober. So I've weighed it up and thought, well I can fail too if I want, and I will still be forgiven and encouraged and supported by our wonderfully kind team of members. I could go and get a couple of litres and give it a really good nudge for a couple of weeks and then just stop again. Maybe I will hate it more after that.
I have also been thinking about the huge bunch of incredible, amazingly gorgeous, highly intelligent, kind and compassionate and just absolutely wonderful people we have on the soberliving team. I was driving along in my cool new car before and I started giggling at a thought I had (and I might as well admit that it isnt the first time I've had this thought, I just didn't think I would ever have the guts to share it). I thought "wouldn't it be one hell of an amazing party if we could all catch up just once a year and get on the piss together for one night". Then we all go sober again. I even thought it through further than that. That it should be only for those more than one year sober and only those who dared to risk it (or were stupid enough). I thought it might be good to have just one night of drinking to look forward to each year, and that it didn't involve our families or friends, our homes (all triggers)......it was just one big catch up, and a big laugh........and we all get to know each other.......... HOW SICK AM I??? A very sick puppy indeed!!!!
I am obviously mourning more than just the end of my relationship. What can I say?
I can say that I am somewhat ashamed to have had these thoughts and they are not really serious, and I know how utterly pointless and almost immoral it is to our sobriety. It is sick! I must be much sicker than I thought. Bit sad eh?
The idea has been floated for having an annual sober conference, which makes far more perfect sense, as this way we would actually get to know each other as our true and lovely positive sober selves, and it would include everyone, and the old timers would be supporting the newbies which is exactly as it should be (she says at a mere 73 days). And this is actually such an awesome idea that perhaps we could even make it happen if we wanted it enough. We have a lot of members so even if 500 of us put up $200 each well there's $10,000 to play with. Just a thought!
So, now that anyone reading this is shocked, possibly angry, and down right disgusted in me, I will continue to try and fight these massive cravings head on. I will be brutally honest with myself. I absolutely LOVE the Poison. I miss it hugely. It did not do me any favours. It did not improve my personality. It did not make me more creative. It did not give me more energy or more motivation. It did not enhance my business. It did not make me better looking. It stole my sleep. It stole my health. It stole my well being and it lessoned greatly my own (and others) opinion of myself. There were a lot of laughs but it did not improve my friendships, relationships or my family life. It tried to steal my spirit (accidental pun), but that hasn't worked. I might be a little bit weary, and worse for wear and tear, but my spirit is Not broken, and I know what I must do. I must see these cravings for exactly what they are. They are the bratty nasty witchy bitch alter ego trying to suck me back into the fold. I am strong. Stronger than that false bitch!! I will soldier on. I will sock that bitch in the face each time she rears her ugly mocking face. I will show her who's the fucking boss around here!!!
I've thought about how many over at livingsober.org have had multiple day 1's or at least more than just their first attempt at being sober. So I've weighed it up and thought, well I can fail too if I want, and I will still be forgiven and encouraged and supported by our wonderfully kind team of members. I could go and get a couple of litres and give it a really good nudge for a couple of weeks and then just stop again. Maybe I will hate it more after that.
I have also been thinking about the huge bunch of incredible, amazingly gorgeous, highly intelligent, kind and compassionate and just absolutely wonderful people we have on the soberliving team. I was driving along in my cool new car before and I started giggling at a thought I had (and I might as well admit that it isnt the first time I've had this thought, I just didn't think I would ever have the guts to share it). I thought "wouldn't it be one hell of an amazing party if we could all catch up just once a year and get on the piss together for one night". Then we all go sober again. I even thought it through further than that. That it should be only for those more than one year sober and only those who dared to risk it (or were stupid enough). I thought it might be good to have just one night of drinking to look forward to each year, and that it didn't involve our families or friends, our homes (all triggers)......it was just one big catch up, and a big laugh........and we all get to know each other.......... HOW SICK AM I??? A very sick puppy indeed!!!!
I am obviously mourning more than just the end of my relationship. What can I say?
I can say that I am somewhat ashamed to have had these thoughts and they are not really serious, and I know how utterly pointless and almost immoral it is to our sobriety. It is sick! I must be much sicker than I thought. Bit sad eh?
The idea has been floated for having an annual sober conference, which makes far more perfect sense, as this way we would actually get to know each other as our true and lovely positive sober selves, and it would include everyone, and the old timers would be supporting the newbies which is exactly as it should be (she says at a mere 73 days). And this is actually such an awesome idea that perhaps we could even make it happen if we wanted it enough. We have a lot of members so even if 500 of us put up $200 each well there's $10,000 to play with. Just a thought!
So, now that anyone reading this is shocked, possibly angry, and down right disgusted in me, I will continue to try and fight these massive cravings head on. I will be brutally honest with myself. I absolutely LOVE the Poison. I miss it hugely. It did not do me any favours. It did not improve my personality. It did not make me more creative. It did not give me more energy or more motivation. It did not enhance my business. It did not make me better looking. It stole my sleep. It stole my health. It stole my well being and it lessoned greatly my own (and others) opinion of myself. There were a lot of laughs but it did not improve my friendships, relationships or my family life. It tried to steal my spirit (accidental pun), but that hasn't worked. I might be a little bit weary, and worse for wear and tear, but my spirit is Not broken, and I know what I must do. I must see these cravings for exactly what they are. They are the bratty nasty witchy bitch alter ego trying to suck me back into the fold. I am strong. Stronger than that false bitch!! I will soldier on. I will sock that bitch in the face each time she rears her ugly mocking face. I will show her who's the fucking boss around here!!!
Sunday, 28 September 2014
CH CH CH CHANGES........
It's been a long time again since my last post and that's because I've been going through some stuff in my personal life where I've been all churned up and worried, anguished and muddled and not sleeping well at all. It would feel disloyal to say too much on here of why I have made the choice I've made, and I still have too much love and respect to wish to hurt in any way, my man who will never read this. I have had a big and very raw and honest communication with Mr Normal yesterday morning giving him the reasons why I need to go forward in my life now alone. I have conveyed to him that none of this is his fault and there is no blame placed on him and no bad feelings, as it is me who has changed. He was kind and understanding.
And hurt. Ouch........It hurts so much to hurt him. I feel sad, empty, and a little fearful of how much I will miss him, the lovely companionship we have shared for nearly five years, and all the movies and meals and music and holidays, the many kindesses, and the love. I still love him. I'm sure he still loves me.
I am grateful to myself for having the courage to get way out of my comfort zone to express my feelings and the reasons why this is not enough for me, and to change my life to how I know it needs to be.
I feel pretty sad and vulnerable today, but somewhere in with that is a sense of relief, that I have my life back, that I am being true to myself and the spirit inside me, and I know that a quiet courage will grow to help me face and embrace whatever lies ahead for me.
And hurt. Ouch........It hurts so much to hurt him. I feel sad, empty, and a little fearful of how much I will miss him, the lovely companionship we have shared for nearly five years, and all the movies and meals and music and holidays, the many kindesses, and the love. I still love him. I'm sure he still loves me.
I am grateful to myself for having the courage to get way out of my comfort zone to express my feelings and the reasons why this is not enough for me, and to change my life to how I know it needs to be.
I feel pretty sad and vulnerable today, but somewhere in with that is a sense of relief, that I have my life back, that I am being true to myself and the spirit inside me, and I know that a quiet courage will grow to help me face and embrace whatever lies ahead for me.
Thursday, 18 September 2014
60 DAYS WITHOUT A DROP OF POISON !!
It's been an awfully long time since I've written a blog. Not sure why apart from things revving up in my business and having house guests for a week. But I suspect it also has something to do with the enormous increase of members over at LivingSober.org.nz, and the time it takes to keep up with all the posts. It is so cool how many are finding their way into a sober lifestyle and how much better they like their lives, and themselves. Very cool indeed.
Well at 60 days I can look back over the last couple of months, and although it has not all been easy, the letting go of something I have thoroughly enjoyed for two thirds of my life, I can honestly say it hasn't really been all that hard either. There are other things that have been harder, like letting go of the lovely home I was going to build overlooking the sea, and some difficult family situations which have caused me a lot of stress.
I've got through this time quite well I think because it feels so right. As soon as I had made the decision to quit (like so many of us - after seeing Mrs D on TV) well I just tried to embrace it rather than fight it. Lots of times I feel like a drink but it is like this remote thing now. It is a thought. That is all.
I think I am a bit slower than some to really feel the rewards and that is my own fault for being too busy. I have not had much time for navel gazing yet. I could have managed my time better by not going to bed so early, and when I do go to bed I could have meditated or read more books instead of watching TV and movies. I've eaten too much chocolate and had too many carbs and I've put on 3 kilos, so not looking the best. But apart from that I am feeling fantastic. Alive. Awake. Capable. Energetic. Confident. Enthusiastic. Clear Headed. Calm. Even Tempered. Guilt Free. Happy. I am very grateful to be feeling this way, and I am quietly determined to just keep going and then slowly begin to examine the deeper reasons why I have abused myself with alcohol for so long, and for a while in my youth with cocaine, acid, and mandrax. Maybe there is no reason? Maybe I am just a brat!
I still have negative feelings as well as all the positve ones above. Like I am still jealous of Charlie Gilbert for losing all that weight and taking her small 60 days sober bum off for a lovely walk today. (Congrats on 60 days Charlie if you read this xo). I am jealous of all of you who just Love all your runs and walks and gyms and yoga. I wish I loved exercise. I just don't! That is why I have got so tubby. So that is something I need to work on.
I can hear arrivals in the driveway and Mr Normal is coming over for the first time in over a week, so I shall go and greet him, and then start preparing a nice dinner I've got planned. Fresh crispy skin salmon with wasabi mayo, green beans and cute little potatoes. Over and out xo
Well at 60 days I can look back over the last couple of months, and although it has not all been easy, the letting go of something I have thoroughly enjoyed for two thirds of my life, I can honestly say it hasn't really been all that hard either. There are other things that have been harder, like letting go of the lovely home I was going to build overlooking the sea, and some difficult family situations which have caused me a lot of stress.
I've got through this time quite well I think because it feels so right. As soon as I had made the decision to quit (like so many of us - after seeing Mrs D on TV) well I just tried to embrace it rather than fight it. Lots of times I feel like a drink but it is like this remote thing now. It is a thought. That is all.
I think I am a bit slower than some to really feel the rewards and that is my own fault for being too busy. I have not had much time for navel gazing yet. I could have managed my time better by not going to bed so early, and when I do go to bed I could have meditated or read more books instead of watching TV and movies. I've eaten too much chocolate and had too many carbs and I've put on 3 kilos, so not looking the best. But apart from that I am feeling fantastic. Alive. Awake. Capable. Energetic. Confident. Enthusiastic. Clear Headed. Calm. Even Tempered. Guilt Free. Happy. I am very grateful to be feeling this way, and I am quietly determined to just keep going and then slowly begin to examine the deeper reasons why I have abused myself with alcohol for so long, and for a while in my youth with cocaine, acid, and mandrax. Maybe there is no reason? Maybe I am just a brat!
I still have negative feelings as well as all the positve ones above. Like I am still jealous of Charlie Gilbert for losing all that weight and taking her small 60 days sober bum off for a lovely walk today. (Congrats on 60 days Charlie if you read this xo). I am jealous of all of you who just Love all your runs and walks and gyms and yoga. I wish I loved exercise. I just don't! That is why I have got so tubby. So that is something I need to work on.
I can hear arrivals in the driveway and Mr Normal is coming over for the first time in over a week, so I shall go and greet him, and then start preparing a nice dinner I've got planned. Fresh crispy skin salmon with wasabi mayo, green beans and cute little potatoes. Over and out xo
Friday, 5 September 2014
GRATEFUL
Today is the day that my brother has got his blood results back from the hospital after two horrific surgeries for cancer. His blood has gone down from 27 to 1.5 and between 1 and 3 is normal. I am just SO HAPPY!! It is just the best and most awesome news for us all, especially him, and his lovely family. Yay!!!
Gratefulness is something you kind of feel by degrees I think, depending of course on what you are grateful for. I do not think there is anything in my life that I could feel more grateful for than this.
This is just a tiny post today, coz I am busy working and I will try to write another one on the weekend.
Besides, this is so big for our family that I don't wish to taint it with my other ponderings and ramblings.
I hope you all have a lovely Friday night.
One VERY happy camper !!
Gratefulness is something you kind of feel by degrees I think, depending of course on what you are grateful for. I do not think there is anything in my life that I could feel more grateful for than this.
This is just a tiny post today, coz I am busy working and I will try to write another one on the weekend.
Besides, this is so big for our family that I don't wish to taint it with my other ponderings and ramblings.
I hope you all have a lovely Friday night.
One VERY happy camper !!
Sunday, 31 August 2014
GETTING SOME PERSPECTIVE
Hello everyone. It has been very good for me to get away for a few days. Lake Tekapo was a real nice place to relax, and we also went on a day trip and hiked about 15 k's to get up close and personal with Mt Cook and the beautiful frozen lake below it. Each evening we had totally decadent 3 course meals in the Rakinui restaurant at Peppers, not to mention the vast array of breakfast choices, so I've managed to pile on a bit of a spare tyre.....on top of the one that was already there!
Being away made me realise I was becoming a bit dysfunctional in my new sobriety here at home. I kind of used my home as a big safety net. Didn't go out much at all, just stayed here and worked all day, then got a quick dinner, then more or less took off to bed very early every night and passed the time with books and DVD's and a bit of TV. It wasn't so much that I was afraid I'd have a drink, it was more that I just felt very fragile and vulnerable in all ways. I needed to be alone. Getting away has hopefully snapped me out of all that. It was so good to be reminded of how breathtakingly beautiful our country is, and to have such sunny warm days, and to just finally relax, it has been like a balm to my soul. I even slept way better than I have for 6 weeks. I feel very lucky.
I am going to try to get over myself now. I don't drink. That's it. End of story.
Sure, it is hard to get used to, but it is also the very best thing I can do for myself and for those around me.
There is so much more to life than indulging a tired and boring old habit. I accept fully that I am not a moderate drinker, nor will I ever be. So that's about where the choices run out. So I might as well look on the bright side, and I am. I am going to toughen up, right now! I have before me a future in which I can visualise myself laughing and happy, with so many more opportunities coming my way, and the energy and motivation to participate fully. I can see travel. I can see creativity. I can see grandparenthood......(now there's a motivation if ever there was one). I can see financial opportunity now in the short term, and I can see retirement in the next 5 years. I can see the move I will make to Diamond Harbour next year, the renovations I will do to my humble and very sunny wee home, and I can see and even feel me being very happy there. I can see me gardening, making a new herb garden and salad garden and reviving my old succulent garden. I can even see me hosting dinner parties where I am the only one not drinking alcohol and not giving a fuck! I could tell them all to walk so I can drive them home later!
So I am happy to say that after 43 days I am feeling mighty fine, and I may still be a bit raw and emotional sometimes, but I am starting to fit way more easily into my new sober skin. I am liking what I see ahead of me, and I am respecting the person I am becoming.
Whoop de Doo!!
But just so as you all know that I am not getting ideas of myself that are above my station, I will own the fact that I still smoke, I still swear, and I still eat chocolate, and too many fancy cheeses and garlic olives, and I still don't like exercise much (except that walk in the mountains was amazing).
When I was away, I had heaps of books but the only reading I did was keeping up with all of your posts on livingsober.org.nz. I was not ever by myself for more than a few minutes so I didn't respond to much, but I did manage to do the Fast Forward and That is Bullshit and Happy Sober Reality ones on my phone.
Heck! I almost forgot it is now the witching hour! I hope you are all giving yourselves a big pat on the back for being strong and cool. xo
Being away made me realise I was becoming a bit dysfunctional in my new sobriety here at home. I kind of used my home as a big safety net. Didn't go out much at all, just stayed here and worked all day, then got a quick dinner, then more or less took off to bed very early every night and passed the time with books and DVD's and a bit of TV. It wasn't so much that I was afraid I'd have a drink, it was more that I just felt very fragile and vulnerable in all ways. I needed to be alone. Getting away has hopefully snapped me out of all that. It was so good to be reminded of how breathtakingly beautiful our country is, and to have such sunny warm days, and to just finally relax, it has been like a balm to my soul. I even slept way better than I have for 6 weeks. I feel very lucky.
I am going to try to get over myself now. I don't drink. That's it. End of story.
Sure, it is hard to get used to, but it is also the very best thing I can do for myself and for those around me.
There is so much more to life than indulging a tired and boring old habit. I accept fully that I am not a moderate drinker, nor will I ever be. So that's about where the choices run out. So I might as well look on the bright side, and I am. I am going to toughen up, right now! I have before me a future in which I can visualise myself laughing and happy, with so many more opportunities coming my way, and the energy and motivation to participate fully. I can see travel. I can see creativity. I can see grandparenthood......(now there's a motivation if ever there was one). I can see financial opportunity now in the short term, and I can see retirement in the next 5 years. I can see the move I will make to Diamond Harbour next year, the renovations I will do to my humble and very sunny wee home, and I can see and even feel me being very happy there. I can see me gardening, making a new herb garden and salad garden and reviving my old succulent garden. I can even see me hosting dinner parties where I am the only one not drinking alcohol and not giving a fuck! I could tell them all to walk so I can drive them home later!
So I am happy to say that after 43 days I am feeling mighty fine, and I may still be a bit raw and emotional sometimes, but I am starting to fit way more easily into my new sober skin. I am liking what I see ahead of me, and I am respecting the person I am becoming.
Whoop de Doo!!
But just so as you all know that I am not getting ideas of myself that are above my station, I will own the fact that I still smoke, I still swear, and I still eat chocolate, and too many fancy cheeses and garlic olives, and I still don't like exercise much (except that walk in the mountains was amazing).
When I was away, I had heaps of books but the only reading I did was keeping up with all of your posts on livingsober.org.nz. I was not ever by myself for more than a few minutes so I didn't respond to much, but I did manage to do the Fast Forward and That is Bullshit and Happy Sober Reality ones on my phone.
Heck! I almost forgot it is now the witching hour! I hope you are all giving yourselves a big pat on the back for being strong and cool. xo
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