For some reason I have been thinking a lot about the taste of Southern Comfort, and how it feels sliding down my throat, and how it sounds when mixed with the diet coke and about 6 blocks of ice and the gentle tinkling sound it makes when I raise the glass to my mouth. I also love the sound when I pour just the first drink out of a new bottle and it sort of makes an interesting "glug glug glug" sound. I thought maybe if I face it completely head on and write about these thoughts and feelings, and dreams I've had, that I might be able to figure out what's going on and how to banish them.
I've thought about how many over at livingsober.org have had multiple day 1's or at least more than just their first attempt at being sober. So I've weighed it up and thought, well I can fail too if I want, and I will still be forgiven and encouraged and supported by our wonderfully kind team of members. I could go and get a couple of litres and give it a really good nudge for a couple of weeks and then just stop again. Maybe I will hate it more after that.
I have also been thinking about the huge bunch of incredible, amazingly gorgeous, highly intelligent, kind and compassionate and just absolutely wonderful people we have on the soberliving team. I was driving along in my cool new car before and I started giggling at a thought I had (and I might as well admit that it isnt the first time I've had this thought, I just didn't think I would ever have the guts to share it). I thought "wouldn't it be one hell of an amazing party if we could all catch up just once a year and get on the piss together for one night". Then we all go sober again. I even thought it through further than that. That it should be only for those more than one year sober and only those who dared to risk it (or were stupid enough). I thought it might be good to have just one night of drinking to look forward to each year, and that it didn't involve our families or friends, our homes (all triggers)......it was just one big catch up, and a big laugh........and we all get to know each other.......... HOW SICK AM I??? A very sick puppy indeed!!!!
I am obviously mourning more than just the end of my relationship. What can I say?
I can say that I am somewhat ashamed to have had these thoughts and they are not really serious, and I know how utterly pointless and almost immoral it is to our sobriety. It is sick! I must be much sicker than I thought. Bit sad eh?
The idea has been floated for having an annual sober conference, which makes far more perfect sense, as this way we would actually get to know each other as our true and lovely positive sober selves, and it would include everyone, and the old timers would be supporting the newbies which is exactly as it should be (she says at a mere 73 days). And this is actually such an awesome idea that perhaps we could even make it happen if we wanted it enough. We have a lot of members so even if 500 of us put up $200 each well there's $10,000 to play with. Just a thought!
So, now that anyone reading this is shocked, possibly angry, and down right disgusted in me, I will continue to try and fight these massive cravings head on. I will be brutally honest with myself. I absolutely LOVE the Poison. I miss it hugely. It did not do me any favours. It did not improve my personality. It did not make me more creative. It did not give me more energy or more motivation. It did not enhance my business. It did not make me better looking. It stole my sleep. It stole my health. It stole my well being and it lessoned greatly my own (and others) opinion of myself. There were a lot of laughs but it did not improve my friendships, relationships or my family life. It tried to steal my spirit (accidental pun), but that hasn't worked. I might be a little bit weary, and worse for wear and tear, but my spirit is Not broken, and I know what I must do. I must see these cravings for exactly what they are. They are the bratty nasty witchy bitch alter ego trying to suck me back into the fold. I am strong. Stronger than that false bitch!! I will soldier on. I will sock that bitch in the face each time she rears her ugly mocking face. I will show her who's the fucking boss around here!!!