Wednesday, 1 October 2014


For some reason I have been thinking a lot about the taste of Southern Comfort, and how it feels sliding down my throat, and how it sounds when mixed with the diet coke and about 6 blocks of ice and the gentle tinkling sound it makes when I raise the glass to my mouth. I also love the sound when I pour just the first drink out of a new bottle and it sort of makes an interesting "glug glug glug" sound.  I thought maybe if I face it completely head on and write about these thoughts and feelings, and dreams I've had, that I might be able to figure out what's going on and how to banish them.
I've thought about how many over at have had multiple day 1's or at least more than just their first attempt at being sober. So I've weighed it up and thought, well I can fail too if I want, and I will still be forgiven and encouraged and supported by our wonderfully kind team of members. I could go and get a couple of litres and give it a really good nudge for a couple of weeks and then just stop again. Maybe I will hate it more after that.
I have also been thinking about the huge bunch of incredible, amazingly gorgeous, highly intelligent, kind and compassionate and just absolutely wonderful people we have on the soberliving team. I was driving along in my cool new car before and I started giggling at a thought I had (and I might as well admit that it isnt the first time I've had this thought, I just didn't think I would ever have the guts to share it).  I thought "wouldn't it be one hell of an amazing party if we could all catch up just once a year and get on the piss together for one night".  Then we all go sober again. I even thought it through further than that.  That it should be only for those more than one  year sober and only those who dared to risk it (or were stupid enough). I thought it might be good to have just one night of drinking to look forward to each year, and that it didn't involve our families or friends, our homes (all triggers) was just one big catch up, and a big laugh........and we all get to know each other.......... HOW SICK AM I???  A very sick puppy indeed!!!!

I am obviously mourning more than just the end of my relationship. What can I say?
I can say that I am somewhat ashamed to have had these thoughts and they are not really serious, and I know how utterly pointless and almost immoral it is to our sobriety.  It is sick! I must be much sicker than I thought.  Bit sad eh?

The idea has been floated for having an annual sober conference, which makes far more perfect sense, as this way we would actually get to know each other as our true and lovely positive sober selves, and it would include everyone, and the old timers would be supporting the newbies which is exactly as it should be (she says at a mere 73 days). And this is actually such an awesome idea that perhaps we could even make it happen if we wanted it enough.  We have a lot of members so even if 500 of us put up $200 each well there's $10,000 to play with. Just a thought!

So, now that anyone reading this is shocked, possibly angry, and down right disgusted in me, I will continue to try and fight these massive cravings head on. I will be brutally honest with myself.  I absolutely LOVE the Poison.  I miss it hugely.  It did not do me any favours.  It did not improve my personality.  It did not make me more creative.  It did not give me more energy or more motivation.  It did not enhance my business.  It did not make me better looking.  It stole my sleep.  It stole my health.  It stole my well being and it lessoned greatly my own (and others) opinion of myself.  There were a lot of laughs but it did not improve my friendships, relationships or my family life. It tried to steal my spirit (accidental pun), but that hasn't worked.  I might be a little bit weary, and worse for wear and tear, but my spirit is Not broken, and I know what I must do.  I must see these cravings for exactly what they are. They are the bratty nasty witchy bitch alter ego trying to suck me back into the fold. I am strong. Stronger than that false bitch!!  I will soldier on. I will sock that bitch in the face each time she rears her ugly mocking face.  I will show her who's the fucking boss around here!!!


  1. Totally normal my love.. it takes forever to banish all of our hard-wired beliefs and to finish mourning lovely booze. Of course you loved it! So did I!!! Glug glug glug.. but fuck it was shit that messed with my life and most importantly my feelings of self worth. I HATED being a boozer at the end.. a numbed out messy totally addicted woman a slave to her wines.. turning into a deceitful lush. Fuck that. I do occasionally feel flat about missing out on parties.. but then I just push those shitty thoughts away because it's always 'imagining' fun parties that is harder than actually doing them sober.. those romantic ideals of booze didn't exist for me any more anyway.. I was always the one having too much.. sleeping like crap and dragging my body through the days afterwards wondering 'did I actually enjoy that?' I think what you are doing is great here.. being honest.. being brutal… acknowledging the pain and loss.. but trust me.. you WILL get to a place where you don't mourn for that warm buzz of booze.. and yes we can have lovely get togethers that don't involve alcohol. Trust me, I'm great company without vino xxx

  2. Thanks so much for responding to this Lotta and for reminding me of the truth I already know so well. I need to keep being reminded. I have not had cravings so powerful as these. And I am happy to say at no time was I actually going to cave in. I was a bit worried the post might have a negative influence if anyone read it and it might make them drink. Thank you again for your thoughts and wise words xo

  3. Sober get together a are great. That is part of the appeal of AA. Meeting other people just like you.

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  5. I have had your thoughts too.Nothing you thought is bad or shocking.It's just that voice trying every which way to get us to have that one drink.Except we won't.Not even one.I look forward to meeting you one day Prudence and giving you a real hug.Booze is just a robber alright.Day 75 whoop!!