COBWEBS

I’ve been feeling pretty weird and introspective this weekend, kind of lonely and a bit daunted but not really feeling like company either. Today I got up and drove down to Taylors Mistake and walked the beach in an attempt to blow all the cobwebs out and get back on my Yellow Brick Road. It was certainly windy enough to blow anything out. I walked over the little cliff track to Hobsons Bay, the track goes right through the front deck/exteriors of some of the houses that are perched on the rocks. Once there, it was quite sad and beautiful all at the same time seeing all the wee baches set into the rocks, some immaculately kept and others destroyed by the earthquakes and open to the elements. The surf was powerful here and I sat on a log for a while and got my breathing in tempo with the waves crashing, and just breathed in all the goodness of the sea and fresh air. More cobwebs to blow out though so then I walked the beach again and up over the hill to Boulder Bay, walking along a nice little path zig-zagging its way around the point. On the way back I veered off this path onto a narrow sheep track and wound my way around the hills well above the main path, till I eventually ended up back near the car park. I love it over there and I’m glad I went. On this walk I was thinking about the vulnerable way I am feeling and trying to snap out of it. By the end of the walk the word that kept coming into my mind was Trust. I often advise others who are struggling to trust themselves, to trust that things will get easier, better. I am not often very good at listening to my own advice, so today I will be an A student and I will Trust that by hanging on to my sobriety I am doing the very best thing I can do for myself and those around me. I will Trust that these flat and low moods will pass and I’ll soon be happily bouncing along again. I will Trust that all this walking I am doing will not only eventually make me lose some weight, but they’re making my body stronger, fitter and healthier. I will Trust that although the path to getting sober can be a quiet and lonely time, it will lead to times where my life will be full of interesting wonderful characters. I will Trust the power of the cyber friendships I have with like-minded people trying to achieve the same goals as me. And I will Trust myself to cope with all that is bothering me, remain strong, and remain sober.

GETTING AMONGST IT

I've decided that on the weekends I will drive somewhere nice to walk. I walked Sumner beach last Sunday, North beach to the Pier and back last Saturday, and yesterday I drove to South Shore and walked through the domain and back, then along the estuary till it got too mushy, then up onto the road and I walked past our old house where we lived when I was married with children, then up over the sand hills and along the beach. It was nice feeling all the memories. 12 happy years spent there, and when walking through the domain I remembered the fun bike rides we used to do on various collectible push bikes, of which my husband had a collection of over 60. My favourite was a BSA Shopper, which was what nurses used to use in India apparently. I found a gorgeous little antique child's seat and erected it on the back and my darling daughter would ride in there, my son would be on his own cool wee bike and my husband would take one of the old "Granville" bikes with the big grocery basket on the front. That would be full with champagne and beers, french sticks and cheese and a few other goodies and we would ride through the forest down to a big park where we'd meet up with other friend's and their children for a picnic and cricket games etc. We didn't give a thought about taking alcohol to enjoy these outings, it just went without saying. I remember us feeling very responsible actually for not taking the car and travelling by bike instead coz we were drinking. The kids all had a ball, so did the adults and often everyone would end up back at our place for more drinks later. They were great days and I remember them without regret, even though I got pretty shitfaced more often than not, but the children were always cared for and always had a great time. We had two children (still have 'em)! and on social occasions we would have one each to be responsible for, and that worked well, no disasters. Today I drove to the Botanical Gardens and I enjoyed it more than I ever have before. I wanted to get as many steps up as possible so my walking took a bit of a different form. I have been into every nook, every cranny, taken every pathway at least once, wandering all through the most gorgeous bush and ponds with ducks, and amazing flower gardens, rose gardens, hot houses, fern gardens, cactus gardens and along the river and over bridges and along the other side, doubled back in a few places where it was just so beautiful I had to experience it twice. One place was a room full of the most vibrant hanging begonias I have ever seen. I was awed. So I've come home now feeling real lucky that these days this is the sort of thing I actually want to do on a Sunday morning, and I have sucked up so much beauty and I feel immense appreciation for it. Just seven months ago I'd be waking up, dragging myself out of bed and into the bath, then either cooking bacon and eggs for my then partner or going out to eat breakfast feeling like crap, and then probably home to read a book or watch a movie until dinner time. Today I've weeded my flower garden, been to the supermarket, I'm about to wash my car, I've caught up with some friends on the phone, offered some support to one who is struggling, and I've made an arrangement to go and see The Theory of Everything at the Academy later. Yay! I'm so glad I had the guts to jump off the merry go round. I have gained so much more than I have lost. I have gained way better relationships with my children, my family and my friends, and I have gained a way better relationship with myself as well. Might turn it into a full blown affair!!

SUNNY DAYS

There’s a sadness mingling with these last sunny days, and it is simply knowing they are going to end soon. It’s been such a beautiful warm summer and I am grateful for it. Winter has its’ comforts, fires and hot chunky soups, roast dinners and fluffy jerseys and cool leather boots, but these days right now are the ones we need to enjoy. I bought myself a “fitbit” for my 200th day anniversary. It counts the steps I do each day and so far I have not let it down, and have done over 10,000 steps each day for the last 17 days, which is about 7 and half K’s a day. I get up early and leave about 6.30 or 7.00am and walk up to one of the parks and then run around the park and walk/run/walk home again, usually adding in an extra block here and there to get my numbers up. I am enjoying the time for contemplation it gives me before starting the busy day. I have another smaller walk after dinner to get it up and over the 10,000. Unfortunately I haven’t lost even a smidgeon of weight which is a bit disappointing, but at least I know myself that I must be getting a lot fitter than I’ve been for many years. I don’t know how I will cope as it gets colder and into the depths of winter, perhaps I’ll have to make another plan. But for now I am quite enjoying feeling good about myself. The more well I become in body, mind and spirit, the more I see what a lot of work there still is to do. I am realising that just giving up alcohol is not the solution to fulfilment and contentment. It is only now when the alcohol has left the equation that I begin see the reality of the way I’ve been living my life. I have been just “getting through it”. Doing all the things I need to do to maintain a home, a business, a social life, children when they were here, helping others where I can. I have made myself perpetually busy my entire adult life. Is this normal? I did it in my marriage, with a busy business and children and social life. I have always had one busy business or another and I see now that I might use it to kind of give myself substance or self-worth. It is a way that I have been able to have respect for myself, and possibly gain the respect of others. It is a way of avoiding the real essence of myself, which in itself is perhaps a “void”. I do not know what has caused me to unconsciously do this, but between constantly working, then drinking in the evenings, and also by being in long relationships and nurturing the needs of others, I have left myself by the wayside. That is not to say that I have ignored my desires for holidays, movies, books or other luxuries that satisfy those external comforts. It is to say that I have always hungered from a young age for the illusive fulfilment of the spirit, or heart. Perhaps everyone does to a degree. I have searched and I have read and I’ve attended courses and explored all sorts of beliefs and had thousands of conversations with like-minded people. I am realising today that perhaps all I have needed is to slow down. To just sit with myself and feel grateful for the life that I have and the wonderful people in it. For the sunny days, and the flowers and the smiles and the oceans. To give myself the great gift of “time”. Time for me, to grow into the “me” I want to become. Time to appreciate all the goodness and love in my life. As my business slows down after the silly season I will have more time to invest in others as well as in myself, and for the first time ever in my adult life I will have the clarity of a completely alcohol free brain with which to enjoy it.

THE BIG SHAKE - 22ND FEB 2011

I wrote this about a week after the massive earthquake that tried to destroy our city. I think today is a good day to share it, unedited, exactly how it was written.

BIG SHAKE 22ND FEB  2011

 

A week or so on seems about the time to start getting some of the feelings and the experience of all this down.  Or else the whole memory will be fully influenced by the media who are reporting of it.  The media reports are part of the feeling.  Grateful for the news.  Aware of how it all works…getting the story…getting a new angle on the same story for the next bulletin….finding someone else remotely interesting to interview…while standing in the CBD zone where none of us can go…and such a media circus…with so many to accommodate that all the motels and hotels are FULL OF MEDIA so the desperate and needy (and less fiscally flush) cannot be accommodated. That is one small feeling anyway, and a way to get started because the real deep feelings are still pretty raw.

 This is 10 days on, and I am not sure from which perspective I should or will express myself.  It will be what I feel, but perhaps not from a particularly personal perspective, but more of a collective one.  More likely a bit of a mish mash of both.  Not sure.  Dunno!  Will proceed anyway.

 12.47am right now, 11^th day I guess, choppers flying overhead….heck…they’ve slowed down in quantity I guess….or have I slowed down enough to hear more of them?  A lot of activity up in the air right now, 12.50am Friday 5^th March. 

 What an absolutely bizarre and totally unexpected, hideous, devastating tragedy this gatecrasher of an earthquake is for our city and our people. 

I would certainly not call it Soul Destroying.  It won’t get any of that kind of Kudos from me.  Our people’s souls are not destroyed by loss of property, homes, of being displaced for a while, losing jobs, income, security, the inability to provide the usual comforts for those we love, or for ourselves.  We are bigger than that, each and every one of us I am sure, feel a far deeper loss than any that we may be enduring on a hardship or comfort level. 

The loss of life in our city is what is hurting the people of Christchurch.  Each awful death reaches and touches so many.  There are so many deaths. 

Each beloved person who has had their life ripped away, without any warning, has left so many grieving souls,….their own beautiful families, their friends, all of those who loved them, and those who admired them and respected them.  It is not fair.  This is true.  But so also is the Truth that our people will NOT be destroyed by this.  Not even while facing the most Huge loss of all.  A Mother.  A Father.  A Son or a Daughter, (God bless the Mum from the Phillipines who endured her daughter’s texts from CTV with such helplessness, such anguish). A Brother or a Sister.  A Granny or Grandpa.  A dear Friend. None of us will be un-touched by the enormity of this tragedy.  None of us will Ever forget these days we are living right now.  This event will be the biggest thing in all of our lives, our memories, our hearts…..young and old…..for all of our days.  This is the Measuring Stick. Pike River is also part of these times, so recent, so tragic.  Felt so deeply by us all.

Our people’s souls are strangely strengthened by these unwelcome, extremely challenging, ongoing, difficult, sad, inconvenient and horrific events.  We may ask the question….WHY??  WHY us?...Why here?  Why now? …after so much already endured?  Do we even expect an answer?

We each have our own inner selves to look to, to find our answers.  Do I have an answer?  The answer?  NO!!  I do not.  I have no religion or any new age stuff to preach to anyone.  I just have myself, and my feelings right now, and my Trust.  Who am I?  Even the scientists and the Moony guy can’t explain this one.  Leave all that to the talk back radio and the media.

What I know….is that the people of Canterbury, the people of Aotearoa, the Spirit of our country, of it’s leaders…..(John K and Bob P)….the amazing tireless work of the rescue teams from all over the world and the Love and the help and the pro action of thousands of big hearted angels who’ve given so much of themselves, their resources, their hearts and their time, their donations of money, food, water and stuff, and the whole spirit of our beautiful Country,…..phew what a long sentence this is….. the solidarity for Canterbury and for what we are experiencing, the energy of all the innovated money raising happenings, the growing donations given anonymously by so many…… well to be perfectly honest, it is humbling for me to be a Cantabrian.  It is a great honour to be here in this mess and to feel such staunchness from the rest of New Zealand.  What you are all doing with your fundraising for our City, and the unselfish and accepting attitude I have encountered so far with regard to ideas of how to help re-build Christchurch, well….I’ll tell you what…how I feel tonight has  a lot to do with Your solidarity, as a Country.  That is where we gain our Strength.  That is why our Souls are Not, and Will Not be Destroyed by this nasty destructive natural disaster.  Thank you to all of New Zealand for your Compassion, Generosity, Help, Energy, and Understanding of  our massive loss.

WE SHALL NOT……WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!!!!!

 

SADNESS, HAPPINESS AND HOPE

A beautiful day today and one to be very grateful for.  Soon enough these mornings will be cold again and will give a different perspective to our days. I have so loved this warm weather all summer. Today my friend and I went to visit an old and dear friend whom I've known for 40 years. He was given four weeks to live several months ago, and has battled on, but obviously will be not much longer for this world.  He was sitting up outside in the sun, lovely tan, and looking surprisingly good. He was very pleased to see us and we chatted away for an hour or so catching up. He has big liver troubles, Hep C, schirroscis and now cancer. They can't do anything more for him than keep him comfortable and he will soon go to a hospice. He was a beer drinker more than anything else, I don't know how he got the Hep C  he was never a drug user, but what he is now is a lovely and most honourable and loyal man facing death with a brave outlook, and grateful for the good life he has had. He has a beautiful wife who is doing a brave and amazing job of looking after him.  I am so glad to have seen him and talked of old times and old friends and of how things are now.  It is such a regret when you attend a funeral when you haven't seen the person in a long time, but knew they were ill, and could have.  He is well loved by many and I hope his last days and weeks are filled with love and friendship.
Life continues to throw many challenges my way so I am busy navigating a few of those at the moment. My days are full and busy and I've not had much time to wonder if I am lonely in this big house by myself.  I don't think so. I think I am quite liking it really. The old "witch bitch" is keeping fairly quiet lately, I easily managed a lunch yesterday where my friends all had wine or beer and I had a lovely tart lime and grapefruit Mocktail.  My friend had another wine later before we went out for dinner and a couple over dinner and another one or two when we got home. No problem, she wasn't at all messy and we both went to bed quite early at about 10.30. 
All in all things are good in my world. I am looking forward to having a productive year in my business and I am ready to make some brave changes to enable me to live with a view of the sea again before the end of the year.  I long for this, and have missed it hugely over the last ten years living in the city. To look at the changing sea every day centres me and gives me a serenity I do not feel when I am away from it. I feel more whole and connected to the power and energy of it when it is in my sight and I will never take it for granted, and will always be grateful to have that beauty in my life.
The best things in life are free. The ocean, rivers, forests and mountains, love, friendship, laughter, kindness, loyalty, beauty, and our health. Amidst the chaos that is sometimes my life I am going to try to be mindful always of all that is beautiful and honest and free. Like the way a smile can light up our day.  I will try to be a giver of smiles as often as I can, while I follow my strong intuition, and continue to work towards making my life into one that overflows with the joy of simple things.
Don't want much do I?!  I am learning to appreciate all that I have, and it is making me feel happy, and feeling happy makes me able to give more to others, even if it is just a smile or some kind words.
Today I am full of hope for all those I love, and for me too.

PAST THE SIX MONTH MARK

I really do want to keep writing my blog but I always procrastinate and feel like I've got nothing interesting to say, so then I don't write anything and weeks go by and I feel even more hopeless about it.  So I thought if I got on here and just started waffling on, then something might spring forth.  Yesterday I had a nice afternoon in Diamond Harbour catching up with some long time friends who were visiting from Nelson.  A bunch of their old friends gathered in a little bar overlooking the Village Green and it was heart warming and fun to have the old crowd back together for an afternoon.  Most live there and stayed on into the evening with live music and dinner, but me and my two friends that came with me left in the early evening.  Right now I am trying to get the energy to get ready to go to a live music afternoon in a friend's back yard not too far up the road from here.  I am trying to take up any social opportunities I am invited to, good practice for sober outings, and I do not want to become too insular now that I am by myself and living alone.
I've recently passed the 6 month alcohol free mark and I'm feeling proud of that, and my resolve to continue is still well in tact.  It is getting easier. I am finally sleeping better, getting about 5 hours or so which seems to be enough. I feel great in the mornings and always ready for action and I am having long productive days. My business is very busy and I am coping with it all pretty well.
I've had my good friend staying with me for about 10 days and she will be here for another week or so, it has been great having her calm relaxed company and I will miss her when she's gone.
I haven't lost any weight in the last 6 months which is a bit of a disappointment, I only wanted to lose 2 kilos but can't seem to shake them off. Still feeling guilty about lack of serious exercise, (hence no weight loss) and still smoking. Oh and probably still having a bit much sugar but not a great deal.  I bought a juicer and have been having vege juices nearly every morning for a few weeks now. I add a bit of fresh ginger and fresh turmeric to celery, carrot, beetroot, spinach, cucumber and an apple. I love it and feel like it's going into every cell of my body when I drink it and that my body is thanking me.
All in all I feel like I have a long way to go, but I am being patient with myself, and I am very happy that I've managed to get this far down the sober road with no slip ups at all.  It is a Huge change after forty years of drinking. I might still have a few bad habits to quit and some good ones to take up but for the present moment I am liking my true and real authentic self without any props. I find it very easy to fill the time, the work week is very demanding and I am quite tired every day after work and happy to have early nights. The weekends are absolute bliss, especially Sundays like today, when I usually get a real break from the phones ringing constantly for enquiries and bookings. I love Sundays because for this one day I can do whatever I like, even if it is pretty much nothing but pottering around here in the garden or kitchen.  It is nice to slow down.
Well now I'd better rev up and get ready to go to this wee soiree garden party!!

ME, MYSELF AND I

A slow contentment seems to be arriving.  It’s been ages since I’ve written here as I haven’t really known what to say.  Just getting on with life. A rather extremely busy one at the moment.  Being in the tourist industry this time of year creates a lot of pressure and I have to be well focused every day to keep on top of it. Not complaining, just making hay while the sun shines!

Tomorrow it will be five months since my last pleasant little night drinking here at home by the fire, with music, reading Mrs D’s book, knowing I was going begin life alcohol free the following day.  And I did.  It has been quite a bumpy road in parts and has resulted in a number of changes, but on the whole it has been easier and way more satisfying than I expected.  The biggest changes are that I am no longer in a close relationship with my partner of nearly five years.  I miss him a lot, but I chose what I needed to do for me.  My daughter has moved out of home and is living with her boyfriend, and I miss her heaps too, but it is the natural course of things and we both knew it was coming up.  I have realised that becoming sober, in my case anyway, is quite a selfish or self-indulgent experience.  For me, this is the first time in 27 years that I have lived on my own, without children or a man to shop and cook and keep house for, as well as laugh with, cry, love, learn, and enjoy excellent company with.  It is taking a wee bit of getting used to……as I write I have 2 little lamb chops and 2 baby potatoes cooking and will knock up a baby sized salad.  It feels like a joke after all the thousands of meals I’ve cooked, and I don’t always even bother, but it is actually quite enjoyable.  I can eat anything I please, I actually decide what to have for dinner by considering only myself. Cleaning up takes approximately 2 minutes. Shopping is also a joke as I hardly need anything because it takes so long to use anything up. (apart from chocolate and my new love of sweet things).  I watch whatever I like on TV, read or watch movies in the middle of the night if I can’t sleep, hardly ever have to clean up anyone else’s mess, and never wait for the bathroom.  In a way it all sounds a bit sad I suppose, and who wouldn’t much rather be at the centre of a big loving home and family? Well me I guess.  Because I have been there and done all that and come out the other side, with wonderful children who are grown up and in their twenties and happy in their own lives, and with whom I have fabulous loving relationships with and see often.  We’ve always been close, I have done a good job, taught them good skills and values, shown them good qualities, set good examples, shown them great independence and survival skills, and while I have always drank too much throughout their lives, I haven’t exactly been a total train wreck either.  So it seems like now is the time in my life that I can concentrate on Me.  It will be interesting to see how things unfold from here.  I don’t think I have ever slowed down enough to ponder much about why I am so partial to alcohol.  I accepted when quite young that I have an addictive personality and left it at that.  I am not going to navel gaze too deeply, or be too impatient with myself about any of my downfalls.  I am going to try very hard to get through this busy season and the summer months without touching a drink, and that will be enough of an achievement for me.  For the rest of it, I am just going to relax, stay as calm as I can, and see how it all rolls.

A very Happy Christmas and a Fun Fabulous New Year to anyone who might happen to read this.