Thursday, 3 August 2017


I've woken this morning bright and early with an amusing little epiphany. I was reading an article last night which linked solitude to creativity, so I am hoping I may become inspired creatively at some stage. 

Then I thought in the meantime I shall just continue to write my blog, even if it isn't so much about alcohol or the lack of it any more. It is about my life as I go forward without it. Then that led me to think about my life now as being on an even keel. No big highs and no big lows. Then of course that led me to think about a life of drinking, my previous life in fact, as being quite similar in a sense to very rapid cycling bi polar. Sailing along on an even keel for a day or so, then getting on it and having a major high episode, talking loudly, getting over excited, doing and saying things we probably wouldn't normally, sometimes getting a bit out of control, lots of laughter, or sometimes hot headedness, impatience, or anger. Possibly saying hurtful things to someone close in the heat of the moment. Sometimes just having fun, dancing, laughing and feeling happy. Then bed. Then wake up. Feeling low. Feeling lots of feelings that go with feeling low. Physically under par, feelings of remorse, guilt, shame, nagging worry, regret, sadness, lack of motivation, tiredness, all leading to feeling a mini-depression for the day. We battle on through, then towards the end of the day we decide to make ourselves feel good again, and away we go on a new tangent. Often they are just mini tangents where there is no bad behaviour, no particular excess and it's quite mellow, but another little drinking tangent it is, and underlying nagging worry and guilt accompanies it, for me. Have a few more and that mostly goes away, until the morning, or more often the middle of the night! Having close links to someone with bi polar I am qualified to make this comparism. I don't mean in any way that is actually anything to do with being bi polar. I just woke with the similarity in my mind. Like a mini version of it. For someone like me. Bi polar is something a person is born with. Some argue that alcoholism is too. Whatever the truth is in that, with bi polar a person has no choice. With alcohol they do.

So all of that led me to look at my life now, three years down the track of being sober at all times.

Although it has been a very emotional and enlightening journey, facing everything that life dishes up to me, good or bad, with my feet planted firmly on the ground, never once altering my state to soften hurt feelings or bad news, or to lift my spirits (funny wee pun) in times of sadness or in celebration, or to ease feelings of pressure and stress after a hard day's work. Or to cut loose and join in with friends and family and enjoy the familiar loosening up and fun and camaraderie and communication created by sharing an evening of drinking together. The latter is what I miss the most, sometimes achingly so. I think it is very sad that I don't fit in to anyone's life much anymore. Just because I don't drink. It says more about them and about our culture and our society than it does about me, I think.

So here I am, living in solitude a lot of the time, in the home I have designed, bespoke for me, with the help of an excellent and creative architect, and the tremendous effort, skill and passion of my adorable and generous son Rory, and many of his friends who've worked on it in their various professions. Now that this project nears completion I am hoping that soon some new creativity will enter my sphere and inspire me. 

In the meantime I am living my life on an even keel. I feel strong, good, quite alone not surprisingly, it's me that put me here where I know almost no one. It is beautiful here, kind of empowering, and I feel way more peaceful in these surroundings. I know I have set myself up for a fulfilled and purposeful life. I will be patient, grateful, and hopeful while that unfolds.

My rudder is steady.


  1. I think the loneliness brought me back to drinking each time I was sober. The connection of being uninhibited and the false gaiety that alcohol brings. I relate to the cycles of the lows it brings with it too. Good to read something a feel so understood. Thanks for this. Reena at Ls

    1. And feel understood that is, sorry couldn't edit.

    2. I think we must accept that this is going to be a time in our lives, possibly for a few years, where we are going to feel quite alone sometimes....a lot of the time. I prefer to think of it as aloneness rather than lonliness Rita. It is a time of adjustment and of growth.A time to learn to enjoy just being who we are, the better version of the self we've always been. We are our own good company. I try also to remember it is me who has changed, not my family or my friends, they are just doing their lives as they always have. Most often the times we are with our families and friends for any length of time, are at gatherings that include drinking. Some we still go to and get invited weddings and funerals, some not so much any more......and when we accept this, and truly understand it, we feel less hurt, and that helps us to begin to count on our own selves more, and to have the courage to be open to new friendships as opportunities arise. Rather a rambling reply.....! Hugs xo

  2. Contentment is a funny thing. I think we are conditioned to be dissatisfied. Somehow there is a belief that we must always compete or be left behind.
    But it's a lie. When we find the ability to just be, there is freedom and we can relax.

  3. Thanks Anne. Yes, contentment is an elusive feeling, and I'm thinking I have just found me some. I feel different here. Relaxed. Yes. Content.

  4. There is a saying 'Be the change you want to see in your children.' I think you've nailed it, very inspiring, thank you.