300 DAYS TODAY

Feeling pretty pleased with myself I have to admit!
It has been a rollercoaster of emotions lately and I have to admit that too. 

Being away on the holiday gave me lots of time to reflect, and being back from the holiday has been interesting too with conflicting feelings.
I feel very grateful to have a home I am happy in and a life that is rich with the love of my children, friends, family in the background, a business to run, goals to achieve and a general sense of purpose.
Being away also helped me to see that I've been living in a bit of a bubble of my own creation, and for most of last week I was quite troubled about that. Here's a wee bit of an email I was writing to my friend Charlie trying to describe how I was feeling:   "ah what's it all about?  I could fucking murder a southern comfort and diet coke, why all this deprivation?  What am I doing?  I used to have a life. A personality, fun, friends, lots of social events, girlfriends visiting and fun afternoons/evenings - a few drinks and tons of laughter and fun and friendship, I used to also enjoy my nights alone getting a bit shitfaced, cooking, playing music, writing stuff, don't do any of that now. I live in my wee safe haven, all fucking serious and boring, in bed so super early it feels dysfunctional, watch movies, don't sleep till about 12 or 1 and get about 5 hours and start all over again. And if I let myself that is the way I think. I don't often think this way but it does happen and it scares the daylights out of me. Just how easy it would be for me to give in to that, and in a way what a flipping relief it would be (for about an hour!!)"

It's funny how when I romanticise about alcohol I remember all the good bits, I associate it with sunny back yards, beaches, laughter, warmth and conviviality, great parties, and I conveniently forget that I didn't stop there! I carried on until I was drunk, loud, talking shit, looking like a drunk older woman I guess, smoking more cigarettes, and giving in to the compulsion every time to have one more drink, and one more, and one  more. And the more I had the better I felt, I absolutely flipping loved it, yes I did, and while I was being that loud drunk woman that other people saw, I was feeling fabulous and fun and funny and cool, I'd even look good, touch up the lipstick, feeling quite sexy and exciting, and then gutted when the night was over coz I could have partied all night long! I was never one to get sick or fall asleep, no, not me!
How terribly fucking sad!!! I truly do miss her sometimes but I'm glad I finally dumped that version of myself!

So there are some of the conflicting feelings, and at 300 days I am still a work in progress with tons of room for improvement in all ways, but I am liking who I am way more than I ever have before, and as I say that a wee email just arrives from my daughter .......

"Awwww how cool mum, so proud of you, you truly are just a new and improved you. To me your more fun exciting and special sober ! I love the sober you (not that I didn’t love the naughty you) very proud of you xx

love you lots"

That alone is worth every struggling moment I have been through to get to where I am today.
And where I am today is where I want to stay.
 

HOW TO DO A CRUISE WITHOUT THE BOOZE

Being quite spontaneous and slightly mad as well, I decided a couple of weeks ago to go off on a cruise while my business was quiet. I’d had a road trip planned with a girlfriend but she had to cancel. So I booked a “Melanesian Discovery” tour on the Pacific Pearl leaving the following Sunday. Quickly made arrangements for my business to semi operate in my absence and off I flew to Auckland to board the ship. I don’t think many other people go on cruises by themselves and I did feel slightly awkward at first but it was fabulous. Ten whole days with only my own wishes to consider and only myself to please, beautiful meals provided and no decisions to make other than when to head up to “smokers corner” on the deck, or which entertainment acts to watch. Bliss. My room was nice with a large porthole, queen bed, ensuite and plenty of drawers and wardrobe space to put away all my clothes and shoes and make it home for the next ten days. There was a tele but I didn’t turn it on as I decided to make this trip as different to my normal life as I could. There was a big “away party” up on the deck as we sailed out of Auckland with loud music and kids swimming and everyone drinking, and that is when I decided the way to do this is to just get amongst it, get my lychee mocktail and join in.

Off out to the restaurant the first night and they put me at a table with two couples who had also just met each other at the table and we all got on like a house on fire and had a few laughs and a beautiful 3 course meal. They had some wine. I went to a show in the Marquee that was showing samples of some the acts coming up. Dancers, a magician, a trapeze artist and a singer. To be honest I was very pleased I was sober and giving it my full attention, so I could see how bad and amateur it actually was!! Mediocre at best. However, it was still mildly entertaining. As it happened some of the shows throughout the cruise were excellent, in particular the comedy. The karaoke was hilarious and some of them were very talented.

The first sunrise was a delight, a ball of shining gold on the horizon with just a massive expanse of sea. All of the islands were beautiful, there was swimming at gorgeous beaches in lovely warm waters, a lagoon cruise in Vila, a zodiac ride to a wee Island in Noumea then a mad crazy and totally dangerous ride in a silly wee open train that took us all around the place with cars screaming around and passing us at speed about 2 inches away on corners!! On that particular trip I was sitting next to an hilarious Maori man who had me in stitches of laughter with his running commentary of what was gong on.  A lot of knowledge was given on all of the tours of the interesting cultures of each place and it's people.

Getting back aboard the ship after each of the 5 Islands felt like going home, great to get back to my room, have a nice long shower and put on fresh clothes, and head up to the deck for a ciggie and to catch all the news of everyone’s day and to get the ship gossip, like one guy having a heart attack in the gym and ending up dead. Or the father and son that had a fight and a third party went overboard at 2.00am and had to be rescued by one of the tender boats using the ship’s search lights. Two culprits were in the lockup down below and escorted off the ship in Vila. Turned out after four days of it being bandied around the ship that it was all bullshit, apart from the two guys in the lockup, which was true and they did get escorted off. And the guy did die in the gym. And one guy wandered off for too long on an island and got left behind and had to make his own way to Vanuatu to catch up with the ship again.

I guess you could say I was a bit out of my comfort zone to begin with, but very quickly I was befriended by some lovely people, a couple of gay guys from Auckland, a nice lady from the Christchurch blues scene and her man, and a wonderful wee lady, Sybil, and her 91 year old mother who was a fabulous and sprightly character and often had us all in fits of laughter. There were lots of others who got together with us on the top deck every day, some wonderful characters and plenty of laughter. There were times when they were all drinking after a big day at the beach and I’d be feeling a bit of a dick with my raspberry lime and soda, and after having it I’d sometimes go to my room and spend a couple of lazy hours reading and nodding off, until it was time to change for dinner and the evening activities.......music, theatre, live bands, comedy, circus, heaps of stuff going on.  On the last night there was a big party in the Atrium, all the 200 chefs paraded through, there were 100’s of balloons and a big electronic light show and they made a champagne fountain of 700 glasses and used probably a couple of hundred bottles of champagne to fill them all, and I got a photo taken of me pouring champagne into the top of the fountain.  It was my way of showing myself and remembering I can be all around and amongst booze if that is what the occasion calls for, and still have a .....reasonably good time, without drinking it!!

I was in fact very glad to be and remain sober on this holiday, as it occurred to me many times that if I was drinking I would be far more obsessed with my next and next and next glass than any of those around me!!

I had a blast of a time and I would do it again in a heartbeat, either alone or with friends. In fact I would now like to save for a river cruise down the Rhine or the Danube and as soon as I’ve got time I’ll be checking it out!  Anyone want to come?

Yep life is short, so bring it on, all of it, and keep it coming!!

THE LONE CRUISER

Made a snap decision on Tuesday that I deserved a holiday and that now was a good time to go.  Off to the Travel Agent and an hour later I was sitting here with a ticket for a 10 day cruise to 5 Pacific Islands, leaving this Sunday, and half price to boot!!
So that decadent little bit of spontanaeity has caused me some big hoops to jump through in a short time, to arrange things for my business to semi operate while I'm away and to trouble shoot any possible emergencies. It's Thursday night now and I've just about got most of it sussed.
So there are exciting times just up ahead for me, I hope I like it!  Seems like a good sort of a thing to do on my own, rather than going some place where I need a rental car, accommodation and stuff, this way all of that is provided and I've even got a double room to myself, ensuite, porthole view and theres tons of entertainment, bands, theatre, a circus, library, pool, sauna, gym, 7 restaurants, 9 bars, live bands, a casino, a movie theatre and God knows what else. All that stuff is free, even the soft drinks I think. Don't see how I couldn't have a good time! And then you get off at all the islands and either just go swwimming and walking around a bit or you can book shore tours and go see some more sights or do adventure stuff like absailing down waterfalls, glass bottom boats, caves etc.
I feel a bit self indulgent on the one hand, and on the other hand I am laughing because it will cost me no more than I have already saved being alcohol free for 9 months (even though I have had a few other treats now I come to think of it, like new boots, trip to Queenstown, the Stones in Auckland, new necklace) but what the heck, I haven't  had more than 3 days off in a row for nearly two years.  I guess it will be interesting and challenging to be in a very booze dominating situation, I haven't really been around booze alot, but hopefully I won't envy all the happy drunk people, and I'll bet if they knew they would envy me in the mornings!!  Fresh as a dasiy I shall be.
Time now to decide what to take and start packing I guess.
Yee Haa.....bring it on!

COBWEBS

I’ve been feeling pretty weird and introspective this weekend, kind of lonely and a bit daunted but not really feeling like company either. Today I got up and drove down to Taylors Mistake and walked the beach in an attempt to blow all the cobwebs out and get back on my Yellow Brick Road. It was certainly windy enough to blow anything out. I walked over the little cliff track to Hobsons Bay, the track goes right through the front deck/exteriors of some of the houses that are perched on the rocks. Once there, it was quite sad and beautiful all at the same time seeing all the wee baches set into the rocks, some immaculately kept and others destroyed by the earthquakes and open to the elements. The surf was powerful here and I sat on a log for a while and got my breathing in tempo with the waves crashing, and just breathed in all the goodness of the sea and fresh air. More cobwebs to blow out though so then I walked the beach again and up over the hill to Boulder Bay, walking along a nice little path zig-zagging its way around the point. On the way back I veered off this path onto a narrow sheep track and wound my way around the hills well above the main path, till I eventually ended up back near the car park. I love it over there and I’m glad I went. On this walk I was thinking about the vulnerable way I am feeling and trying to snap out of it. By the end of the walk the word that kept coming into my mind was Trust. I often advise others who are struggling to trust themselves, to trust that things will get easier, better. I am not often very good at listening to my own advice, so today I will be an A student and I will Trust that by hanging on to my sobriety I am doing the very best thing I can do for myself and those around me. I will Trust that these flat and low moods will pass and I’ll soon be happily bouncing along again. I will Trust that all this walking I am doing will not only eventually make me lose some weight, but they’re making my body stronger, fitter and healthier. I will Trust that although the path to getting sober can be a quiet and lonely time, it will lead to times where my life will be full of interesting wonderful characters. I will Trust the power of the cyber friendships I have with like-minded people trying to achieve the same goals as me. And I will Trust myself to cope with all that is bothering me, remain strong, and remain sober.

GETTING AMONGST IT

I've decided that on the weekends I will drive somewhere nice to walk. I walked Sumner beach last Sunday, North beach to the Pier and back last Saturday, and yesterday I drove to South Shore and walked through the domain and back, then along the estuary till it got too mushy, then up onto the road and I walked past our old house where we lived when I was married with children, then up over the sand hills and along the beach. It was nice feeling all the memories. 12 happy years spent there, and when walking through the domain I remembered the fun bike rides we used to do on various collectible push bikes, of which my husband had a collection of over 60. My favourite was a BSA Shopper, which was what nurses used to use in India apparently. I found a gorgeous little antique child's seat and erected it on the back and my darling daughter would ride in there, my son would be on his own cool wee bike and my husband would take one of the old "Granville" bikes with the big grocery basket on the front. That would be full with champagne and beers, french sticks and cheese and a few other goodies and we would ride through the forest down to a big park where we'd meet up with other friend's and their children for a picnic and cricket games etc. We didn't give a thought about taking alcohol to enjoy these outings, it just went without saying. I remember us feeling very responsible actually for not taking the car and travelling by bike instead coz we were drinking. The kids all had a ball, so did the adults and often everyone would end up back at our place for more drinks later. They were great days and I remember them without regret, even though I got pretty shitfaced more often than not, but the children were always cared for and always had a great time. We had two children (still have 'em)! and on social occasions we would have one each to be responsible for, and that worked well, no disasters. Today I drove to the Botanical Gardens and I enjoyed it more than I ever have before. I wanted to get as many steps up as possible so my walking took a bit of a different form. I have been into every nook, every cranny, taken every pathway at least once, wandering all through the most gorgeous bush and ponds with ducks, and amazing flower gardens, rose gardens, hot houses, fern gardens, cactus gardens and along the river and over bridges and along the other side, doubled back in a few places where it was just so beautiful I had to experience it twice. One place was a room full of the most vibrant hanging begonias I have ever seen. I was awed. So I've come home now feeling real lucky that these days this is the sort of thing I actually want to do on a Sunday morning, and I have sucked up so much beauty and I feel immense appreciation for it. Just seven months ago I'd be waking up, dragging myself out of bed and into the bath, then either cooking bacon and eggs for my then partner or going out to eat breakfast feeling like crap, and then probably home to read a book or watch a movie until dinner time. Today I've weeded my flower garden, been to the supermarket, I'm about to wash my car, I've caught up with some friends on the phone, offered some support to one who is struggling, and I've made an arrangement to go and see The Theory of Everything at the Academy later. Yay! I'm so glad I had the guts to jump off the merry go round. I have gained so much more than I have lost. I have gained way better relationships with my children, my family and my friends, and I have gained a way better relationship with myself as well. Might turn it into a full blown affair!!

SUNNY DAYS

There’s a sadness mingling with these last sunny days, and it is simply knowing they are going to end soon. It’s been such a beautiful warm summer and I am grateful for it. Winter has its’ comforts, fires and hot chunky soups, roast dinners and fluffy jerseys and cool leather boots, but these days right now are the ones we need to enjoy. I bought myself a “fitbit” for my 200th day anniversary. It counts the steps I do each day and so far I have not let it down, and have done over 10,000 steps each day for the last 17 days, which is about 7 and half K’s a day. I get up early and leave about 6.30 or 7.00am and walk up to one of the parks and then run around the park and walk/run/walk home again, usually adding in an extra block here and there to get my numbers up. I am enjoying the time for contemplation it gives me before starting the busy day. I have another smaller walk after dinner to get it up and over the 10,000. Unfortunately I haven’t lost even a smidgeon of weight which is a bit disappointing, but at least I know myself that I must be getting a lot fitter than I’ve been for many years. I don’t know how I will cope as it gets colder and into the depths of winter, perhaps I’ll have to make another plan. But for now I am quite enjoying feeling good about myself. The more well I become in body, mind and spirit, the more I see what a lot of work there still is to do. I am realising that just giving up alcohol is not the solution to fulfilment and contentment. It is only now when the alcohol has left the equation that I begin see the reality of the way I’ve been living my life. I have been just “getting through it”. Doing all the things I need to do to maintain a home, a business, a social life, children when they were here, helping others where I can. I have made myself perpetually busy my entire adult life. Is this normal? I did it in my marriage, with a busy business and children and social life. I have always had one busy business or another and I see now that I might use it to kind of give myself substance or self-worth. It is a way that I have been able to have respect for myself, and possibly gain the respect of others. It is a way of avoiding the real essence of myself, which in itself is perhaps a “void”. I do not know what has caused me to unconsciously do this, but between constantly working, then drinking in the evenings, and also by being in long relationships and nurturing the needs of others, I have left myself by the wayside. That is not to say that I have ignored my desires for holidays, movies, books or other luxuries that satisfy those external comforts. It is to say that I have always hungered from a young age for the illusive fulfilment of the spirit, or heart. Perhaps everyone does to a degree. I have searched and I have read and I’ve attended courses and explored all sorts of beliefs and had thousands of conversations with like-minded people. I am realising today that perhaps all I have needed is to slow down. To just sit with myself and feel grateful for the life that I have and the wonderful people in it. For the sunny days, and the flowers and the smiles and the oceans. To give myself the great gift of “time”. Time for me, to grow into the “me” I want to become. Time to appreciate all the goodness and love in my life. As my business slows down after the silly season I will have more time to invest in others as well as in myself, and for the first time ever in my adult life I will have the clarity of a completely alcohol free brain with which to enjoy it.

THE BIG SHAKE - 22ND FEB 2011

I wrote this about a week after the massive earthquake that tried to destroy our city. I think today is a good day to share it, unedited, exactly how it was written.

BIG SHAKE 22ND FEB  2011

 

A week or so on seems about the time to start getting some of the feelings and the experience of all this down.  Or else the whole memory will be fully influenced by the media who are reporting of it.  The media reports are part of the feeling.  Grateful for the news.  Aware of how it all works…getting the story…getting a new angle on the same story for the next bulletin….finding someone else remotely interesting to interview…while standing in the CBD zone where none of us can go…and such a media circus…with so many to accommodate that all the motels and hotels are FULL OF MEDIA so the desperate and needy (and less fiscally flush) cannot be accommodated. That is one small feeling anyway, and a way to get started because the real deep feelings are still pretty raw.

 This is 10 days on, and I am not sure from which perspective I should or will express myself.  It will be what I feel, but perhaps not from a particularly personal perspective, but more of a collective one.  More likely a bit of a mish mash of both.  Not sure.  Dunno!  Will proceed anyway.

 12.47am right now, 11^th day I guess, choppers flying overhead….heck…they’ve slowed down in quantity I guess….or have I slowed down enough to hear more of them?  A lot of activity up in the air right now, 12.50am Friday 5^th March. 

 What an absolutely bizarre and totally unexpected, hideous, devastating tragedy this gatecrasher of an earthquake is for our city and our people. 

I would certainly not call it Soul Destroying.  It won’t get any of that kind of Kudos from me.  Our people’s souls are not destroyed by loss of property, homes, of being displaced for a while, losing jobs, income, security, the inability to provide the usual comforts for those we love, or for ourselves.  We are bigger than that, each and every one of us I am sure, feel a far deeper loss than any that we may be enduring on a hardship or comfort level. 

The loss of life in our city is what is hurting the people of Christchurch.  Each awful death reaches and touches so many.  There are so many deaths. 

Each beloved person who has had their life ripped away, without any warning, has left so many grieving souls,….their own beautiful families, their friends, all of those who loved them, and those who admired them and respected them.  It is not fair.  This is true.  But so also is the Truth that our people will NOT be destroyed by this.  Not even while facing the most Huge loss of all.  A Mother.  A Father.  A Son or a Daughter, (God bless the Mum from the Phillipines who endured her daughter’s texts from CTV with such helplessness, such anguish). A Brother or a Sister.  A Granny or Grandpa.  A dear Friend. None of us will be un-touched by the enormity of this tragedy.  None of us will Ever forget these days we are living right now.  This event will be the biggest thing in all of our lives, our memories, our hearts…..young and old…..for all of our days.  This is the Measuring Stick. Pike River is also part of these times, so recent, so tragic.  Felt so deeply by us all.

Our people’s souls are strangely strengthened by these unwelcome, extremely challenging, ongoing, difficult, sad, inconvenient and horrific events.  We may ask the question….WHY??  WHY us?...Why here?  Why now? …after so much already endured?  Do we even expect an answer?

We each have our own inner selves to look to, to find our answers.  Do I have an answer?  The answer?  NO!!  I do not.  I have no religion or any new age stuff to preach to anyone.  I just have myself, and my feelings right now, and my Trust.  Who am I?  Even the scientists and the Moony guy can’t explain this one.  Leave all that to the talk back radio and the media.

What I know….is that the people of Canterbury, the people of Aotearoa, the Spirit of our country, of it’s leaders…..(John K and Bob P)….the amazing tireless work of the rescue teams from all over the world and the Love and the help and the pro action of thousands of big hearted angels who’ve given so much of themselves, their resources, their hearts and their time, their donations of money, food, water and stuff, and the whole spirit of our beautiful Country,…..phew what a long sentence this is….. the solidarity for Canterbury and for what we are experiencing, the energy of all the innovated money raising happenings, the growing donations given anonymously by so many…… well to be perfectly honest, it is humbling for me to be a Cantabrian.  It is a great honour to be here in this mess and to feel such staunchness from the rest of New Zealand.  What you are all doing with your fundraising for our City, and the unselfish and accepting attitude I have encountered so far with regard to ideas of how to help re-build Christchurch, well….I’ll tell you what…how I feel tonight has  a lot to do with Your solidarity, as a Country.  That is where we gain our Strength.  That is why our Souls are Not, and Will Not be Destroyed by this nasty destructive natural disaster.  Thank you to all of New Zealand for your Compassion, Generosity, Help, Energy, and Understanding of  our massive loss.

WE SHALL NOT……WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!!!!!