MRS D'S QUEENSTOWN EVENT

Sitting up in bed right now watching the people go up and down on the Gondala. I'm down in Queenstown with a new friend who I met yesterday when we flew down here together to attend Mrs D's speaking event this evening. Really looking forward to hearing Lotta's story first hand and also meeting other Living Sober members who are here for the event. The sun is shining and the scenery spectacular and it is very cool to be back in this beautiful town, which holds many happy memories for me.
I think I am 93 days sober today and there have been some big changes in my life. I miss my long time companion hugely and that is certainly taking some adjusting to. I am spending way more time alone than I ever have in many years, and that is ok too as I have much to learn and a lot more changes and improvements to make. I try not to beat myself up for not making these improvments quicker. If I stay living without alcohol I am hoping these positive changes will just gradually happen.
Wow! A bright blue and orange paraglider just literally flew past my bedroom window. Never a dull moment down here!
I haven't got anything very insightful to say, in fact I am having a little trouble expressing myself of late. A bit of inner turbulence. That is to be expected I suppose, if one is taking a good hard and brutally honest look at ones self.
However, one mustn't be too serious and introspective either, as there is so much to be positive about, and so much fun to be had, so much work to be done, so many movies to be watched and so many books to be read. And so many hash browns and eggs to be eaten.  I'm starving! Time for a wee walk into town, a nice breakfast, and a walk beside the Lake. Might do a part 2 after the event!

SUNNY SATURDAY

I’ve been having a real happy time the last couple of days, I think I am on my first pink cloud!  I’ve had plenty of other happy days but this is different.  It is kind of exciting when you can hardly wipe the smile off your face, and every song that comes on the radio is a fantastic old classic from the 70’s or 80’s and they all feel like my favourite song, especially Beast of Burden from the Stones.

I have been thinking of something I learned in a course I did once on Intuitive Therapy.  I did the one year course to get better in touch with and develop my own intuition. I was thinking it might help anyone struggling out there with any situation at all, even including deciding to get sober, or staying sober if you already are.  These are the four A’s of Intuitve Therapy:

A – Acknowledgement  (fully acknowledging the problem, whatever it is, taking the time to really acknowledge it)

A – Acceptance (this takes a wee bit longer, but to fully accept and own the situation)

A – Allowing  (this is to fully allow all of the feelings you have around the situation and to sit with those feelings and allow yourself to really feel them, allow them to come right up to the surface and be experienced, however painful and uncomfortable, and for as long as it takes)

A – Action  (Once the first three steps have been achieved fully and deeply, the action to take will be revealed to yourself, from yourself, and you will be ready to take the action required.  You will absolutely Know what needs to be done and how to go about it).

This has helped me immensely sometimes, with big problems and small.  If it is a small problem it may only take  five or ten minutes.  If it is a bigger more deep seated problem, it might take days, or longer.  There is no rush, as it is a very thorough way of dealing with stuff.  When drinking a lot I usually forgot to put this into practice, but when I did, I have always had very positive results in getting out of a stuck place and making my life much better.   

I saw a T-Shirt I loved once.  It said “Take My Advice, I’m Not Using It”

This sort of suits me a wee bit, because I often know the answers, and can advise or help others, but I fail to use any of my own learning on myself.  I aim to get better at that.

My brother saw an old friend today who must of heard that I've given up drinking, and he said "I feel really sorry for all those people losing their jobs" My brother said "what people"? the friend said " All the poor bastards down at the distillery, now that Southern Comfort has had to go out of business" !!

BANISH THOSE BOOZY THOUGHTS!!

For some reason I have been thinking a lot about the taste of Southern Comfort, and how it feels sliding down my throat, and how it sounds when mixed with the diet coke and about 6 blocks of ice and the gentle tinkling sound it makes when I raise the glass to my mouth. I also love the sound when I pour just the first drink out of a new bottle and it sort of makes an interesting "glug glug glug" sound.  I thought maybe if I face it completely head on and write about these thoughts and feelings, and dreams I've had, that I might be able to figure out what's going on and how to banish them.
I've thought about how many over at livingsober.org have had multiple day 1's or at least more than just their first attempt at being sober. So I've weighed it up and thought, well I can fail too if I want, and I will still be forgiven and encouraged and supported by our wonderfully kind team of members. I could go and get a couple of litres and give it a really good nudge for a couple of weeks and then just stop again. Maybe I will hate it more after that.
I have also been thinking about the huge bunch of incredible, amazingly gorgeous, highly intelligent, kind and compassionate and just absolutely wonderful people we have on the soberliving team. I was driving along in my cool new car before and I started giggling at a thought I had (and I might as well admit that it isnt the first time I've had this thought, I just didn't think I would ever have the guts to share it).  I thought "wouldn't it be one hell of an amazing party if we could all catch up just once a year and get on the piss together for one night".  Then we all go sober again. I even thought it through further than that.  That it should be only for those more than one  year sober and only those who dared to risk it (or were stupid enough). I thought it might be good to have just one night of drinking to look forward to each year, and that it didn't involve our families or friends, our homes (all triggers)......it was just one big catch up, and a big laugh........and we all get to know each other.......... HOW SICK AM I???  A very sick puppy indeed!!!!

I am obviously mourning more than just the end of my relationship. What can I say?
I can say that I am somewhat ashamed to have had these thoughts and they are not really serious, and I know how utterly pointless and almost immoral it is to our sobriety.  It is sick! I must be much sicker than I thought.  Bit sad eh?

The idea has been floated for having an annual sober conference, which makes far more perfect sense, as this way we would actually get to know each other as our true and lovely positive sober selves, and it would include everyone, and the old timers would be supporting the newbies which is exactly as it should be (she says at a mere 73 days). And this is actually such an awesome idea that perhaps we could even make it happen if we wanted it enough.  We have a lot of members so even if 500 of us put up $200 each well there's $10,000 to play with. Just a thought!

So, now that anyone reading this is shocked, possibly angry, and down right disgusted in me, I will continue to try and fight these massive cravings head on. I will be brutally honest with myself.  I absolutely LOVE the Poison.  I miss it hugely.  It did not do me any favours.  It did not improve my personality.  It did not make me more creative.  It did not give me more energy or more motivation.  It did not enhance my business.  It did not make me better looking.  It stole my sleep.  It stole my health.  It stole my well being and it lessoned greatly my own (and others) opinion of myself.  There were a lot of laughs but it did not improve my friendships, relationships or my family life. It tried to steal my spirit (accidental pun), but that hasn't worked.  I might be a little bit weary, and worse for wear and tear, but my spirit is Not broken, and I know what I must do.  I must see these cravings for exactly what they are. They are the bratty nasty witchy bitch alter ego trying to suck me back into the fold. I am strong. Stronger than that false bitch!!  I will soldier on. I will sock that bitch in the face each time she rears her ugly mocking face.  I will show her who's the fucking boss around here!!!