CH CH CH CHANGES........

It's been a long time again since my last post and that's because I've been going through some stuff in my personal life where I've been all churned up and worried, anguished and muddled and not sleeping well at all. It would feel disloyal to say too much on here of why I have made the choice I've made, and I still have too much love and respect to wish to hurt in any way, my man who will never read this. I have had a big and very raw and honest communication with Mr Normal yesterday morning giving him the reasons why I need to go forward in my life now alone. I have conveyed to him that none of this is his fault and there is no blame placed on him and no bad feelings, as it is me who has changed. He was kind and understanding.
And hurt.  Ouch........It hurts so much to hurt him.  I feel sad, empty, and a little fearful of how much I will miss him, the lovely companionship we have shared for nearly five years, and all the movies and meals and music and holidays, the many kindesses, and the love.  I still love him. I'm sure he still loves me.

I am grateful to myself for having the courage to get way out of my comfort zone to express my feelings and the reasons why this is not enough for me, and to change my life to how I know it needs to be.
I feel pretty sad and vulnerable today, but somewhere in with that is a sense of relief, that I have my life back, that I am being true to myself and the spirit inside me, and I know that a quiet courage will grow to help me face and embrace whatever lies ahead for me.

60 DAYS WITHOUT A DROP OF POISON !!

It's been an awfully long time since I've written a blog. Not sure why apart from things revving up in my business and having house guests for a week.  But I suspect it also has something to do with the enormous increase of members over at LivingSober.org.nz, and the time it takes to keep up with all the posts. It is so cool how many are finding their way into a sober lifestyle and how much better they like their lives, and themselves. Very cool indeed.
Well at 60 days I can look back over the last couple of months, and although it has not all been easy, the letting go of something I have thoroughly enjoyed for two thirds of my life, I can honestly say it hasn't really been all that hard either. There are other things that have been harder, like letting go of the lovely home I was going to build overlooking the sea, and some difficult family situations which have caused me a lot of stress.
I've got through this time quite well I think because it feels so right.  As soon as I had made the decision to quit (like so many of us - after seeing Mrs D on TV) well I just tried to embrace it rather than fight it. Lots of times I feel like a drink but it is like this remote thing now.  It is a thought. That is all.
I think I am a bit slower than some to really feel the rewards and that is my own fault for being too busy.  I have not had much time for navel gazing yet. I could have managed my time better by not going to bed so early, and when I do go to bed I could have meditated or read more books instead of watching TV and movies. I've eaten too much chocolate and had too many carbs and I've put on 3 kilos, so not looking the best.  But apart from that I am feeling fantastic.  Alive. Awake. Capable. Energetic. Confident.  Enthusiastic. Clear Headed. Calm.  Even Tempered. Guilt Free. Happy. I am very grateful to be feeling this way, and I am quietly determined to just keep going and then slowly begin to examine the deeper reasons why I have abused myself with alcohol for so long, and for a while in my youth with cocaine, acid, and mandrax. Maybe there is no reason? Maybe I am just a brat!
I still have negative feelings as well as all the positve ones above. Like I am still jealous of Charlie Gilbert for losing all that weight and taking her small 60 days sober bum off for a lovely walk today. (Congrats on 60 days Charlie if you read this xo). I am jealous of all of you who just Love all your runs and walks and gyms and yoga.  I wish I loved exercise.  I just don't!  That is why I have got so tubby.  So that is something I need to work on.
I can hear arrivals in the driveway and Mr Normal is coming over for the first time in over a week, so I shall go and greet him, and then start preparing a nice dinner I've got planned.  Fresh crispy skin salmon with wasabi mayo, green beans and cute little potatoes.  Over and out xo

GRATEFUL

Today is the day that my brother has got his blood results back from the hospital after two horrific surgeries for cancer.  His blood has gone down from 27 to 1.5 and between 1 and 3 is normal.  I am just SO HAPPY!!  It is just the best and most awesome news for us all, especially him, and his lovely family.  Yay!!!
Gratefulness is something you kind of feel by degrees I think, depending of course on what you are grateful for.  I do not think there is anything in my life that I could feel more grateful for than this.
This is just a tiny post today, coz I am busy working and I will try to write another one on the weekend.
Besides, this is so big for our family that I don't wish to taint it with my other ponderings and ramblings.
I hope you all have a lovely Friday night.

One VERY happy camper !!