SPRING HAS NOT QUITE SPRUNG

I've been wondering where I used to get all the time to drink. Generally once I started drinking that was about it for everything else.  I might cook or make a couple of phone calls, but mainly it was just drinking and music and talking, oh and sometimes playing the fool! I seemed to manage an awful lot of responsibilities for all of those many years I was quite happily boozing my way through life, I honestly don't know how I did it.  I am even a little bit in awe of myself. There is so much to do and arrange and focus on and remember every single day, what was I thinking by knocking back  hefty amounts of alcohol pretty much every night? I am So glad I do not do this any more. Every day I wake up with a clear head and feeling at peace with myself.   No regret, no uneasy feelings, no guilt, no queasy stomach or headache, no feelings of  "how am I going to get through today". Instead I am happy, hungry, full of energy, rearing to go, and ready to accomplish all I'm able to in that one day. I love the sense that I am not wasting any of my life any more. There is so much yet to do and to learn and to see and to feel. I am excited about all that is ahead for me. The unknown aspect of it intrigues me.  To imagine the grandchildren that are not yet born.  To imagine the people whom I will love and laugh with that I have not yet met. Life is full of change, particularly for those of us who are open to it, and I feel today that of all the seasons, Spring is the one that brings the most positive change, to us as well as to nature. I look forward to new growth in my garden, and in my heart and my soul as well.
I have a lovely fire going and I'm warm and content and cosy, but I will be happy to farewell our winter for another year, and next Winter I will be embracing it in my new home, and so much closer to nature. Yeah!  Bring it on...

TWO YEARS SOBER

I always told myself if I reach two years sober I'll "out" myself on Facebook just in case it encourages or inspires any others to take a deeper look......
So I put this up yesterday and "the crowd went wild" 57 comments and 112 likes so far and they are still trickling in.....sheesh!!

YAY!

Might as well say it’s two years today since alcohol has passed these lips

Sometimes miss my fun party self, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit this
When I was boozing, I wasn’t just snoozing, not quite the proverbial train wreck
Gave it a good nudge for two thirds of my life, comes a time when a girl think’s Heck!
The me that I’ve found underneath my facades has gained so much more than I’ve lost
I am free, I am strong, I live real and raw, feeling all my emotions whatever the cost
No guilt, no shame, self-respect is my game, and trying to be all I can be
It’s different and lonely and sometimes it’s rough, but it beats being out of my tree
So many upsides OMG who knew?  Always real, authentic, gritty and true
Growing up in a culture that idolizes drinking we get sucked in without even thinking
Now seems the time to stand up and be brave, it’s way more than dollars and health that we save
Every aspect of life enhanced in all ways, brain is awake, not in a daze
Clarity, empathy, intuition galore, motivation, energy, time for others, lots more
I’d have to say it’s the best thing I’ve done, and the biggest reward has come from my son
He saw my life change, saw the battle I’d won, he gave up the piss, yes indeed and the weed
Feeling pride and awe deep down in my core, I’m so impressed, and I know I am blessed
I’m lucky and plucky and happy and free coz my son and my daughter are in turn proud of me
I’m winning and grinning, don’t need to be told, that this is pure gold for me growing old.

WINTER

Ever since I left the booze behind I've found winter to be the hardest to get through.  I got sober in July 2014 so this is more or less my third winter.  I don't actually know if it has much to do with not drinking, or if it is just that I always feel so much more alone in winter.  It really brings it home to me what it's like living without a partner.  I miss the companionship, the conversations and the laughter.
I miss having someone to eat with and I miss having someone to bring in the firewood for me.
In summer I guess I miss all these things too but I am usually so busy that it's almost a relief not to have to think about another person's needs.  Looking back, winter was a great time to while away a few hours by the fire with music and southern comfort, friends and laughter.  It's interesting how easy it is to romanticise how it was before.  My last sentence conjures up a vision of me and a few friends sitting around a nice fire laughing and talking and having a few drinks.  True.  That is what we did, and many happy times were had.  But when they'd gone did I stop?  Nah!  Was I having a few drinks or were they having a few drinks?  They had a few drinks while I had about twice as many.  They went home and I'd put another log on the fire, another cd or record on the stereo, pour another drink and party on.  Trouble with me was I got so used to it I could go to bed and read a book after that, then get up in the morning and run my mini empire!!  Hahaha.
Do I wish I was still doing all that?  No.  There's just some bits I really miss is all.

This winter I'm keeping pretty busy with choices and decisions surrounding the build, and I really enjoy going over there fairly often to see the progress.

It's fabulous having my son build it, he's doing a great job and loving it.  I get to have far more involvement in the small complexities than I would if anyone else was building it.  He consults me on many things that are small details but will make all the difference in the over all finished product.
I feel really lucky knowing my son has got my back at all times.

I've been thinking a lot about what it will be like to live there.  I've longed for this for a great many years.  As the reality becomes closer a little bit of vulnerability and uncertainty is creeping in.  Yes I'll have a lovely home with beautiful views, and the peace and silence that comes with it.  What I am really doing is isolating myself even more than I already feel isolated.  So I will have to make sure that I make an effort to keep busy, to meet new people, to stay focused and involved in my business, and to not allow myself to be completely on my own for too long at a time.  I shall remember that it is only an hour or so back to the city and there's heaps here that I enjoy doing on my own.  It's a long way off yet too, so plenty of time for more pondering.  The photo's are taken from up at my sister's holiday home which is right behind mine, and my brother and his wife are also building a holiday home, and my nephew and his wife have one too.  Note the difference.  They all use them as holiday homes but I am going to live in mine permanently.  I am happy that as we are growing older we will all see more of each other than we have through these busy years of bringing up our children and beyond.  Everything about what I'm doing feels right actually, except the hideous costs involved!

Can't think about that just now, or I'll totally freak!!

Hey Ho!  I will go into it brave, trusting and positive with an open heart and an open mind and see what life brings my way.

A GATHERING

Today is the Monday after a fabulous weekend with 23 members of our tribe from the Living Sober website gathering together here in my home for a whole day and evening of eating, drinking, laughing, talking and getting to know each other.  It was a whole three day weekend for me as the first two guests arrived Friday and the last one left this morning. Most stayed elsewhere, I only had four to stay. They have come from as far South as Southland and The Catlins and as far North as Auckland and Hamilton.  It has been an amazing privilege to have the opportunity to meet these women, some of whom I've met before at the Wellington gathering last year, and some for the first time.  The beauty of these new friendships is that there is already an inherent trust in each other via the website, where we all do share our innermost feelings and fears and failures and triumphs.  These people know more about me and what I am about than my own family do I think sometimes, and it is likewise with them.  They will share things on LS that they would not bother to tell their husband or best friend or sister or brother because they simply don't "get it" like we do.  I think that was the feeling all of us experienced this weekend, a feeling of relief to be with like minded people who understand the struggle that it is to live our lives always in the raw, never anything to dull down strong emotions like anger, hurt, or disappointment, or fear and anxiety, never an altered state to help cope with the daily ups and downs.  We are all extremely pleased that we've taken alcohol out of our lives, and are no longer sucked in to the belief that is pushed upon us daily by all forms of media/social media and by the heavy NZ drinking culture we grew up in.  The belief that to have a good time one must drink alcohol.  A party, a BBQ with the neighbours, a wedding, a picnic in the park, a meal in a nice restaurant, a visit to a girlfriend, and on it goes, end of the day, end of the week......well I know myself I found any occasion at all a good occasion to drink alcohol, that is what we did, that was normal.  While it is great to be on the other side now of that illusory trap, it is also fair to say that giving up alcohol does not instantly make for a glorious fulfilled life.  Giving it up is where the work begins.  And it is work, and it’s tough.  It is hard doing the inner work required to really know one's self, to be completely real and honest with yourself at all times.  It is hard (for me) changing from being a very social person to one who spends tremendous amounts of time alone.  It is hard accepting that some of the people you considered friends were really drinking buddies and do not have much interest in who or how you are, now that you don't drink alchohol.  They are just busy on their own endelss cycles of what we used to do ourselves.  It is sometimes relentless and daunting facing the life you have now and the empty or lost parts of it that booze used to fill.  Without ever really realising it or thinking about it, drinking used up so much time, filled so many spaces, glossed over so many anxieties, hurts and problems.  It allowed us to believe that everything was okay in our world, and it soothed and smoothed the rough edges in the relationships we have.  It allowed us to bury some of that which troubled us, for a while.  It let us forget those slippery feelings of guilt and self loathing, and let us rest and breathe easy and push those uncomfortable feelings down, for a while. It had such a powerful hold for so much of our lives.
Not any more, that's for sure, and it has been amazing to communicate all weekend with like minded women who actually understand all of that, the joy and the pride and the heartache as well, and so much more.  There has been much laughter, some very real and honest tears, a shared warmth and depth of feeling that is so natural, so real and trusting, and yet so rare.
 I seem to have swayed towards the gritty raw and difficult stuff here, it is very real for all of us, and we spoke of this.  We all agree we have gained an enormous amount more than we have lost, with the changes we have made, but it was good to acknowledge that it has not been, and is not a walk in the park.
I miss the laughter the most I think, I really did love being a silly drunk idiot sometimes.

BUSY TIMES BUT STILL WINNING

It’s sure been a while since I’ve written a blog, truth is I’ve had a busy couple of months.  There’s quite a lot to do and arrange and choose and decide when building a house.  Who knew about the myriad of little perplexities that arise, even quite early on in the piece that require consideration?  I decided before the beginning of the project that I would approach it with interest, enthusiasm, trust and faith in my builder, and that I would embrace the difficulties and the triumphs and enjoy the process.  And so far that is working out mighty fine.  The excavation, foundations and retaining are a wee bit complex and taking a long time, but the floor and the deck are built and ready to be covered, and the frames are ordered, so soon enough there will be walls.  My son is great to work with and we make a good team. 

Sober life in general is going pretty well.  I had an old friend, Kevin, staying for quite a while, about 7 weeks all up with a break in the middle.  He has moved back to New Zealand after 25 years in Australia, so it was good to be able to help him get on his feet.  He drinks and smokes, so that was a bit of a challenge having it around me on a daily basis, but it also gave me a good current example of a person who can enjoy a few drinks and then stop.  He loves going out and listening to live music and so do I, so it also gave me a chance to get out a lot more than usual for dinners and music and social interaction.  I have been rather quiet socially since I gave up the booze, so it was good for me to realise how much I still do enjoy watching and listening to a good live performance, in fact I think I enjoy it more than I ever did.  There’s none of that obsessing about the next drink, or going out for a cigarette, there’s just my focus on the music, the instruments, the sounds from each one, and the raw talent of the musicians.  I’ve always loved live music when partying, but I love it even more now.  It’s a bit more rare to get me up on the dancefloor these days, but hey, it has happened!

Oh I turned 60 last month and had a great night out at The rough Diamond Café in Diamond Harbour where there just happened to be some excellent live music that night.  Brenda arrived down from Motueka for a surprise visit for my birthday, the darling, so she and the kids and a couple of others came out with me, and it was such a good night and very cool to see so many old friends from the years I lived over there.  Wonderful to see Brenda, and the next night we went to the Wunderbah to see Carmel and her band do a Tom Waits Commemoration.  Absolutely excellent, cabaret style, very entertaining, world class musicianship, the crowd went wild!

So now here I am Sober at Sixty and looking down the barrel of a fabulous future, where eventually I will move to my new home in Takamatua and see what life brings my way after that.  One thing I know it will bring me is beautiful sunrises and sunsets and the tranquillity and balance I feel when I live near the sea.  I have missed that for a very long time now, having been in this home since March 2005.  I have had a very busy 11 years and they have served their purpose nicely in all ways.  I don’t mind when I move to the new house, just when it is ready will be fine, I am just winging it all in every way really, I have no fixed idea of how or when it will be.  It will be such an enormously huge change for me, it is almost scary, but it feels natural and right to be going back to my roots, and to spend the next part of my life surrounded in the beauty of the hills and the sea, on the land I grew up on, and to be closer to some of my family who are there often.  Yep!  Bring it on is what I say!

ROAD TRIP

Coming to the end of a fabulous road trip with my long time friend Jane.  We've been away for a couple of weeks here in the North Island.  We are celebrating our 60th birthdays which are coming up in April and May.  We've been right up through the Bay of Islands and Northlands and down to the Coromandel and pretty much everywhere in between.  We are in Taupo now on the Lake front and have just got back from a very cool restaurant. Tomorrow we are going for an early swim in a hot water spring in a river under a bridge that some locals showed us, then we're off to Napier.  The Bay of Islands and Northland are absolutely beautiful and I'd go there anytime at the drop of a hat, but it's the Coromandel that has stolen my heart.  I honestly don't know why anyone bothers going overseas when we have such stunning beauty on offer right here in EnZed.  We hiked around the rocks and then along a beautiful track and over the saddle into New Chums Beach and what a treat that was. Miles of pristine untouched golden sand beach with many huge Pohutakawas for shade.  I can only  imagine how stunning it must look when they are all in flower.  The water was blue and warm and wonderful and I enjoyed a fabulous swim and some body surfing.  We went to Whitianga after that and got a penthouse suite over looking the beach and in the afternoon we went out on a boat around all the bays and islands and saw Cathedral Cove, and we went into a big cave and saw lots of fish and kinna through the glass bottom.  It is all very picturesque and I took some great fotos.  We found another gorgeous place called Tairua where our friends Peter and Sue have a bach so we walked all over the place there, and we both want to live there.  Beautiful beach, only one person on it at lunchtime, and a big lagoon as well, and all so immaculately kept, mowed bright green grass for miles around the lagoon.  Some houses have a big deck over looking the beach, and another one at the back overlooking the lagoon. Opposite this place is another place called Pauanui which looks quite rich, lots of nice big yachts and houses but not quite the same homely feel of Tairua.  We went through Thames on the way in and up the west coast to Coromandel Town.  Both of these places are full of quaint and gorgeous little old cottages which are beautifully kept, and fabulous old buildings and pubs in both towns too. The drive up the West Coast was breathtaking and spectacular.  As was the drive down the East Coast and on out to Waihe and Whangamata and then down to the Mount and Tauranga.
Earlier we'd been to Whanganui and right up the river to Jerusalem where James K Baxter is buried, he had a commune there where my friend Sarah used to live back in the seventies. We went to Mt Taranaki, Dawson Falls, New Plymouth and Pukakura Park. We had a nice walk around and breakfast in Raglan, my first time back there since going there on the way to Ngarawahia Music Festival in the early seventies. We stayed in Auckland for a couple of days with Peter and Sue, which was so cool, and I got to catch up with Kerry and Duncan and Rose and Paul as well. Then on up to Whangerei, had a good look around it's beach areas then up to Paihea for a couple of nights and there just happened to be a Harley Davidson Convention on there for the two nights we were there, so there were 2000 bikes and about 3000 riders/passengers.  That kept things busy and interesting.  We walked over to Waitangi and saw the Treaty House, the beautiful big wakas, the magnificently carved Meeting House and the new museum.  We had a really nice two bedroom apartment in the bush which we were lucky to get, and we stayed a couple of nights there.  We explored Russell, going across on the ferry, and we drove right up the coast to Whangapaoa and out to a gorgeous beach and we were awed by the beauty.  Back to KeriKeri and a cafe in dense bush surroundings that was very hard to find.
I am so glad to have seen all these places. Apart from the Coromandel I have seen them all before, but many years ago, like about 25 or longer.  It is good to remind one's self of the beauty of New Zealand.  Really we needed way longer than 2 weeks to cover so much ground, but I am so grateful for all we have seen and experienced. I am also grateful that I am not drinking and that I seem able to cope with it being around me every night in the motels and at the restaurants. I did not ever want to be the sort of sober person who feels threatened or uncomfortable by the choices other's make.  It was me who had the problem, not anyone else.  I just stick with my lime and soda and feel 100% every single day.  Bring on tomorrow.

I'VE TAKEN THE PLUNGE AND THE BUILD HAS BEGUN

OMG I am actually doing it......finally! After several years of planning, designing, working with architect, getting approved plans, freaking out at cost, pulling the pin, taking another look at it, getting more quotes, all hideously far too much......well now here I am now actually started.  I am very excited and just a tad nervous as I don't really know what it will cost.  If you have everything quoted it costs up to 20% more to allow for contingencies.  So I am winging it.  Knocked back all the build quotes and instead I've got my son, Rory, and a local Akaroa builder on a labour only contract and I will pay all the trades myself.  Rory has totally got my back and is excited too, to be involved in his first build out on his own after completing his apprenticeship. We will project manage it together, each doing what they are best at. There's a long road ahead and no doubt some tricky times but I am going to try my very best to keep the stress levels down and enjoy the process.  My sister and her husband live right behind my site and have very generously allowed Rory to stay there during the week while they are in town, which helps enormously and just makes everything so much more possible and it feels so good, and he just loves it at their house and feels like a rock star!  Building by day, rapping and writing songs by night.

Everything else is ticking along, although it has been an extremely stressful start to the new year due to some personal family difficulties, which have put us all under a lot of strain, but happily now things are beginning to settle down.  My business is very busy at this time of year so while everyone else is on holiday I barely get even the stats off and need to remain focused and busy the whole way through the season.  Making hay while the sun shines so to speak, and that is going well.

Looking forward to early Feb when I'm going up to see my blogging mate Charlie who has invited me up for a few days for the second time to stay on their wonderful farm near Mt Maunganui and Tauranga, with their 360 degree views of the hills and the sea.  We really "get" each other and have become great friends.  After that I'm doing a road trip with my friend Jane right round the North Island for two weeks in March.  It's to celebrate our 60th birthdays which happen in April and May but we thought we'd better head off while the weather is hopefully still pretty warm.  We've been friends since we were 12 so that's 48 years now!!  Sheesh!!

The AirBnB thing I'm doing is also keeping me pretty busy and I'd better go now and pick some flowers for the room for tonight's guests which is a family with a two year old! All the money goes into the "build fund" so there is a very definite purpose and reason for opening up my home to strangers. It's really not very hard and they are all very nice, varied and interesting people from all over the globe, and people always interest me, so it's a bit of a win all round really.

In case anyone wants a wee report on the sugar intake, it is only slightly improved.  My experiment didn't work, hahaha, but I have since been a little bit more disciplined.......if I don't buy it I can't eat it.....yer right!