WINTER

Ever since I left the booze behind I've found winter to be the hardest to get through.  I got sober in July 2014 so this is more or less my third winter.  I don't actually know if it has much to do with not drinking, or if it is just that I always feel so much more alone in winter.  It really brings it home to me what it's like living without a partner.  I miss the companionship, the conversations and the laughter.
I miss having someone to eat with and I miss having someone to bring in the firewood for me.
In summer I guess I miss all these things too but I am usually so busy that it's almost a relief not to have to think about another person's needs.  Looking back, winter was a great time to while away a few hours by the fire with music and southern comfort, friends and laughter.  It's interesting how easy it is to romanticise how it was before.  My last sentence conjures up a vision of me and a few friends sitting around a nice fire laughing and talking and having a few drinks.  True.  That is what we did, and many happy times were had.  But when they'd gone did I stop?  Nah!  Was I having a few drinks or were they having a few drinks?  They had a few drinks while I had about twice as many.  They went home and I'd put another log on the fire, another cd or record on the stereo, pour another drink and party on.  Trouble with me was I got so used to it I could go to bed and read a book after that, then get up in the morning and run my mini empire!!  Hahaha.
Do I wish I was still doing all that?  No.  There's just some bits I really miss is all.

This winter I'm keeping pretty busy with choices and decisions surrounding the build, and I really enjoy going over there fairly often to see the progress.

It's fabulous having my son build it, he's doing a great job and loving it.  I get to have far more involvement in the small complexities than I would if anyone else was building it.  He consults me on many things that are small details but will make all the difference in the over all finished product.
I feel really lucky knowing my son has got my back at all times.

I've been thinking a lot about what it will be like to live there.  I've longed for this for a great many years.  As the reality becomes closer a little bit of vulnerability and uncertainty is creeping in.  Yes I'll have a lovely home with beautiful views, and the peace and silence that comes with it.  What I am really doing is isolating myself even more than I already feel isolated.  So I will have to make sure that I make an effort to keep busy, to meet new people, to stay focused and involved in my business, and to not allow myself to be completely on my own for too long at a time.  I shall remember that it is only an hour or so back to the city and there's heaps here that I enjoy doing on my own.  It's a long way off yet too, so plenty of time for more pondering.  The photo's are taken from up at my sister's holiday home which is right behind mine, and my brother and his wife are also building a holiday home, and my nephew and his wife have one too.  Note the difference.  They all use them as holiday homes but I am going to live in mine permanently.  I am happy that as we are growing older we will all see more of each other than we have through these busy years of bringing up our children and beyond.  Everything about what I'm doing feels right actually, except the hideous costs involved!

Can't think about that just now, or I'll totally freak!!

Hey Ho!  I will go into it brave, trusting and positive with an open heart and an open mind and see what life brings my way.