A GATHERING

Today is the Monday after a fabulous weekend with 23 members of our tribe from the Living Sober website gathering together here in my home for a whole day and evening of eating, drinking, laughing, talking and getting to know each other.  It was a whole three day weekend for me as the first two guests arrived Friday and the last one left this morning. Most stayed elsewhere, I only had four to stay. They have come from as far South as Southland and The Catlins and as far North as Auckland and Hamilton.  It has been an amazing privilege to have the opportunity to meet these women, some of whom I've met before at the Wellington gathering last year, and some for the first time.  The beauty of these new friendships is that there is already an inherent trust in each other via the website, where we all do share our innermost feelings and fears and failures and triumphs.  These people know more about me and what I am about than my own family do I think sometimes, and it is likewise with them.  They will share things on LS that they would not bother to tell their husband or best friend or sister or brother because they simply don't "get it" like we do.  I think that was the feeling all of us experienced this weekend, a feeling of relief to be with like minded people who understand the struggle that it is to live our lives always in the raw, never anything to dull down strong emotions like anger, hurt, or disappointment, or fear and anxiety, never an altered state to help cope with the daily ups and downs.  We are all extremely pleased that we've taken alcohol out of our lives, and are no longer sucked in to the belief that is pushed upon us daily by all forms of media/social media and by the heavy NZ drinking culture we grew up in.  The belief that to have a good time one must drink alcohol.  A party, a BBQ with the neighbours, a wedding, a picnic in the park, a meal in a nice restaurant, a visit to a girlfriend, and on it goes, end of the day, end of the week......well I know myself I found any occasion at all a good occasion to drink alcohol, that is what we did, that was normal.  While it is great to be on the other side now of that illusory trap, it is also fair to say that giving up alcohol does not instantly make for a glorious fulfilled life.  Giving it up is where the work begins.  And it is work, and it’s tough.  It is hard doing the inner work required to really know one's self, to be completely real and honest with yourself at all times.  It is hard (for me) changing from being a very social person to one who spends tremendous amounts of time alone.  It is hard accepting that some of the people you considered friends were really drinking buddies and do not have much interest in who or how you are, now that you don't drink alchohol.  They are just busy on their own endelss cycles of what we used to do ourselves.  It is sometimes relentless and daunting facing the life you have now and the empty or lost parts of it that booze used to fill.  Without ever really realising it or thinking about it, drinking used up so much time, filled so many spaces, glossed over so many anxieties, hurts and problems.  It allowed us to believe that everything was okay in our world, and it soothed and smoothed the rough edges in the relationships we have.  It allowed us to bury some of that which troubled us, for a while.  It let us forget those slippery feelings of guilt and self loathing, and let us rest and breathe easy and push those uncomfortable feelings down, for a while. It had such a powerful hold for so much of our lives.
Not any more, that's for sure, and it has been amazing to communicate all weekend with like minded women who actually understand all of that, the joy and the pride and the heartache as well, and so much more.  There has been much laughter, some very real and honest tears, a shared warmth and depth of feeling that is so natural, so real and trusting, and yet so rare.
 I seem to have swayed towards the gritty raw and difficult stuff here, it is very real for all of us, and we spoke of this.  We all agree we have gained an enormous amount more than we have lost, with the changes we have made, but it was good to acknowledge that it has not been, and is not a walk in the park.
I miss the laughter the most I think, I really did love being a silly drunk idiot sometimes.

BUSY TIMES BUT STILL WINNING

It’s sure been a while since I’ve written a blog, truth is I’ve had a busy couple of months.  There’s quite a lot to do and arrange and choose and decide when building a house.  Who knew about the myriad of little perplexities that arise, even quite early on in the piece that require consideration?  I decided before the beginning of the project that I would approach it with interest, enthusiasm, trust and faith in my builder, and that I would embrace the difficulties and the triumphs and enjoy the process.  And so far that is working out mighty fine.  The excavation, foundations and retaining are a wee bit complex and taking a long time, but the floor and the deck are built and ready to be covered, and the frames are ordered, so soon enough there will be walls.  My son is great to work with and we make a good team. 

Sober life in general is going pretty well.  I had an old friend, Kevin, staying for quite a while, about 7 weeks all up with a break in the middle.  He has moved back to New Zealand after 25 years in Australia, so it was good to be able to help him get on his feet.  He drinks and smokes, so that was a bit of a challenge having it around me on a daily basis, but it also gave me a good current example of a person who can enjoy a few drinks and then stop.  He loves going out and listening to live music and so do I, so it also gave me a chance to get out a lot more than usual for dinners and music and social interaction.  I have been rather quiet socially since I gave up the booze, so it was good for me to realise how much I still do enjoy watching and listening to a good live performance, in fact I think I enjoy it more than I ever did.  There’s none of that obsessing about the next drink, or going out for a cigarette, there’s just my focus on the music, the instruments, the sounds from each one, and the raw talent of the musicians.  I’ve always loved live music when partying, but I love it even more now.  It’s a bit more rare to get me up on the dancefloor these days, but hey, it has happened!

Oh I turned 60 last month and had a great night out at The rough Diamond Café in Diamond Harbour where there just happened to be some excellent live music that night.  Brenda arrived down from Motueka for a surprise visit for my birthday, the darling, so she and the kids and a couple of others came out with me, and it was such a good night and very cool to see so many old friends from the years I lived over there.  Wonderful to see Brenda, and the next night we went to the Wunderbah to see Carmel and her band do a Tom Waits Commemoration.  Absolutely excellent, cabaret style, very entertaining, world class musicianship, the crowd went wild!

So now here I am Sober at Sixty and looking down the barrel of a fabulous future, where eventually I will move to my new home in Takamatua and see what life brings my way after that.  One thing I know it will bring me is beautiful sunrises and sunsets and the tranquillity and balance I feel when I live near the sea.  I have missed that for a very long time now, having been in this home since March 2005.  I have had a very busy 11 years and they have served their purpose nicely in all ways.  I don’t mind when I move to the new house, just when it is ready will be fine, I am just winging it all in every way really, I have no fixed idea of how or when it will be.  It will be such an enormously huge change for me, it is almost scary, but it feels natural and right to be going back to my roots, and to spend the next part of my life surrounded in the beauty of the hills and the sea, on the land I grew up on, and to be closer to some of my family who are there often.  Yep!  Bring it on is what I say!

ROAD TRIP

Coming to the end of a fabulous road trip with my long time friend Jane.  We've been away for a couple of weeks here in the North Island.  We are celebrating our 60th birthdays which are coming up in April and May.  We've been right up through the Bay of Islands and Northlands and down to the Coromandel and pretty much everywhere in between.  We are in Taupo now on the Lake front and have just got back from a very cool restaurant. Tomorrow we are going for an early swim in a hot water spring in a river under a bridge that some locals showed us, then we're off to Napier.  The Bay of Islands and Northland are absolutely beautiful and I'd go there anytime at the drop of a hat, but it's the Coromandel that has stolen my heart.  I honestly don't know why anyone bothers going overseas when we have such stunning beauty on offer right here in EnZed.  We hiked around the rocks and then along a beautiful track and over the saddle into New Chums Beach and what a treat that was. Miles of pristine untouched golden sand beach with many huge Pohutakawas for shade.  I can only  imagine how stunning it must look when they are all in flower.  The water was blue and warm and wonderful and I enjoyed a fabulous swim and some body surfing.  We went to Whitianga after that and got a penthouse suite over looking the beach and in the afternoon we went out on a boat around all the bays and islands and saw Cathedral Cove, and we went into a big cave and saw lots of fish and kinna through the glass bottom.  It is all very picturesque and I took some great fotos.  We found another gorgeous place called Tairua where our friends Peter and Sue have a bach so we walked all over the place there, and we both want to live there.  Beautiful beach, only one person on it at lunchtime, and a big lagoon as well, and all so immaculately kept, mowed bright green grass for miles around the lagoon.  Some houses have a big deck over looking the beach, and another one at the back overlooking the lagoon. Opposite this place is another place called Pauanui which looks quite rich, lots of nice big yachts and houses but not quite the same homely feel of Tairua.  We went through Thames on the way in and up the west coast to Coromandel Town.  Both of these places are full of quaint and gorgeous little old cottages which are beautifully kept, and fabulous old buildings and pubs in both towns too. The drive up the West Coast was breathtaking and spectacular.  As was the drive down the East Coast and on out to Waihe and Whangamata and then down to the Mount and Tauranga.
Earlier we'd been to Whanganui and right up the river to Jerusalem where James K Baxter is buried, he had a commune there where my friend Sarah used to live back in the seventies. We went to Mt Taranaki, Dawson Falls, New Plymouth and Pukakura Park. We had a nice walk around and breakfast in Raglan, my first time back there since going there on the way to Ngarawahia Music Festival in the early seventies. We stayed in Auckland for a couple of days with Peter and Sue, which was so cool, and I got to catch up with Kerry and Duncan and Rose and Paul as well. Then on up to Whangerei, had a good look around it's beach areas then up to Paihea for a couple of nights and there just happened to be a Harley Davidson Convention on there for the two nights we were there, so there were 2000 bikes and about 3000 riders/passengers.  That kept things busy and interesting.  We walked over to Waitangi and saw the Treaty House, the beautiful big wakas, the magnificently carved Meeting House and the new museum.  We had a really nice two bedroom apartment in the bush which we were lucky to get, and we stayed a couple of nights there.  We explored Russell, going across on the ferry, and we drove right up the coast to Whangapaoa and out to a gorgeous beach and we were awed by the beauty.  Back to KeriKeri and a cafe in dense bush surroundings that was very hard to find.
I am so glad to have seen all these places. Apart from the Coromandel I have seen them all before, but many years ago, like about 25 or longer.  It is good to remind one's self of the beauty of New Zealand.  Really we needed way longer than 2 weeks to cover so much ground, but I am so grateful for all we have seen and experienced. I am also grateful that I am not drinking and that I seem able to cope with it being around me every night in the motels and at the restaurants. I did not ever want to be the sort of sober person who feels threatened or uncomfortable by the choices other's make.  It was me who had the problem, not anyone else.  I just stick with my lime and soda and feel 100% every single day.  Bring on tomorrow.

I'VE TAKEN THE PLUNGE AND THE BUILD HAS BEGUN

OMG I am actually doing it......finally! After several years of planning, designing, working with architect, getting approved plans, freaking out at cost, pulling the pin, taking another look at it, getting more quotes, all hideously far too much......well now here I am now actually started.  I am very excited and just a tad nervous as I don't really know what it will cost.  If you have everything quoted it costs up to 20% more to allow for contingencies.  So I am winging it.  Knocked back all the build quotes and instead I've got my son, Rory, and a local Akaroa builder on a labour only contract and I will pay all the trades myself.  Rory has totally got my back and is excited too, to be involved in his first build out on his own after completing his apprenticeship. We will project manage it together, each doing what they are best at. There's a long road ahead and no doubt some tricky times but I am going to try my very best to keep the stress levels down and enjoy the process.  My sister and her husband live right behind my site and have very generously allowed Rory to stay there during the week while they are in town, which helps enormously and just makes everything so much more possible and it feels so good, and he just loves it at their house and feels like a rock star!  Building by day, rapping and writing songs by night.

Everything else is ticking along, although it has been an extremely stressful start to the new year due to some personal family difficulties, which have put us all under a lot of strain, but happily now things are beginning to settle down.  My business is very busy at this time of year so while everyone else is on holiday I barely get even the stats off and need to remain focused and busy the whole way through the season.  Making hay while the sun shines so to speak, and that is going well.

Looking forward to early Feb when I'm going up to see my blogging mate Charlie who has invited me up for a few days for the second time to stay on their wonderful farm near Mt Maunganui and Tauranga, with their 360 degree views of the hills and the sea.  We really "get" each other and have become great friends.  After that I'm doing a road trip with my friend Jane right round the North Island for two weeks in March.  It's to celebrate our 60th birthdays which happen in April and May but we thought we'd better head off while the weather is hopefully still pretty warm.  We've been friends since we were 12 so that's 48 years now!!  Sheesh!!

The AirBnB thing I'm doing is also keeping me pretty busy and I'd better go now and pick some flowers for the room for tonight's guests which is a family with a two year old! All the money goes into the "build fund" so there is a very definite purpose and reason for opening up my home to strangers. It's really not very hard and they are all very nice, varied and interesting people from all over the globe, and people always interest me, so it's a bit of a win all round really.

In case anyone wants a wee report on the sugar intake, it is only slightly improved.  My experiment didn't work, hahaha, but I have since been a little bit more disciplined.......if I don't buy it I can't eat it.....yer right!

AND HERE'S TO 2016.....HAPPY NEW YEAR

It’s been a while so it’s about time for another blog and what better time to write one than New Years Day?

Last night was interesting. I was pondering not doing anything, but then thought I’ve got the rest of my life to have lonely New Years Eve’s if I choose them so I won’t start that caper yet!  I drove over to the Port early and picked up my wee mate Carmel and we went into town to Vesuvios where she plays on Sunday nights.  We had some delicious and interesting vegetarian tapas, some great conversations between ourselves and with others, she had a few wines, I had lemon and soda and just before 10pm we went down Victoria St and up to Boo Radleys where she was doing a New Years Eve gig with 3 other excellent musicians. I had a table quite near the band but was essentially on my own then as Carmel was busy doing amazing things with her two saxophones and singing her beautiful heart out.  There were people dining and partying and the place was packed.  Met some young women at the table next to me and joined them so we could move my table and a few empty ones to make them a dance floor.  Several times I went up to the bar and bought Carmel a gin and soda, I only had the one drink there, you can only drink so much when you know you’re not going to get a hit off it (amazing how the brain works).  I had to keep an eye on my drink and give it a sniff each time I wanted a sip because the girls at the table were all pretty trashed and were unknowingly playing musical drinks.  Over the course of four hours there while I thoroughly enjoyed the music, I also enjoyed observing the changes in people as the night wore on, particularly the girls I was now with.  Two of them were partners and there was this quite hot young guy in a check shirt hanging around who probably didn’t know that (I did because Carmel told me) and each time one went to get a drink or go to the loo (both tasks took ages) he would get all over the other one on the dance floor and be touching her arse etc and she would be flirting back all sexual.  I was waiting for a showdown but it never happened.  The other girl each time missed it by seconds, and then soon after it was her turn and she was just as bad.  It was hilarious to watch.  I ended up dancing for something to do, and once I got into the groove I stayed up there for about 2 hours so I’ve had a good work out.  In the end the girls were hugging me and slobbering all over me and can’t wait to meet up with me again hahahaa none of them had any idea I wasn’t drinking.   At mid night one saw my glass was nearly empty so in order for a good toast she tipped half her glass in mine!  Shit!  So then Carmel just got me some water off the bar and we all toasted away, they didn’t actually notice what had just gone down.  I lasted till 2.00am and then we tried to arrange a cab for Carmel with my personal taxi man, Ken, I hope he went and got her at 3.00am.

What I noticed about this night was I actually had a really good time.  And it was a long time, from 6.30pm till nearly 3.00am by the time I got home. Daughter text me as I was leaving asking if I was still out, I said yes, she said “gangsta mum” and could I come and take them home, they were pissed at Barettas, so off I went and collected them amongst some real lively revelry on St Asaph St, people and cops all over the road, yahooing, staggering……found them by texting and gave them a lift home, because I could, and they were very grateful.

I think it is true that when you stop drinking you have to fake it till you make it socially, and I think I’ve just started to make it.  I know the drunk people are having a really good time and they are harmless and even quite endearing in their clumsiness and raucous stupidity.  I felt quite detached from the actual drinks.  I nearly took a photo of the bar at  Boo Radleys as it was the best and most beautifully displayed array of liquor I have ever seen, and I appreciated that for what it is, it is a bar, they sell alcohol, and they seem to be doing a damn good job of it, energetically shaking cocktails and literally running to keep up with the customers and clean glasses and clean space.  Excellent staff.  I was honestly glad to be sober.  I would rather be me than any one of them.  I wouldn’t mind Carmel’s talent or the drunk girl’s looks and figures, but all in all I am happy enough just being sober me in all situations.  I liked having my wits about me, and I liked being my true self when introduced and chatting to a couple of the band members, who also appeared to be sober (too busy to drink probably).  I liked waking up this morning feeling good and capable of achieving the things I need to do today. Busy washing sheets and making beds for more guests expected this afternoon.

The only big thing about myself at the moment I’m not very happy with is my addiction to sweet yummy things which is making me fat.  So I've decided today to take a different approach to my burgeoning sugar addiction.  Willpower doesn't work on this one, believe me I've tried.  So I've just finished whipping up some cream, downing 3 meringues with sliced strawberry, I've filled 2 left over brandy snaps that I've been staring at longingly since Christmas, I'll leave those in the fridge to get that slightly soggy thing going on, then down they'll go, then I might have some (sugar free hahaha) ice cream and chocolate sauce.  If I go out I will buy some raspberries and have my all time favourite......raspberries and ice cream, fresh cream, icing sugar and a meringue.  I shall not eat one thing today that is not sweet and bad for me.  Oh new idea....I'll go down to the deli at The Tannery and get one of their most delicious home made chocolate éclairs with the layer of thinly sliced strawberries underneath the cream......mmmm..... and I will finish off with chocolate in the evening.  This is a true addict speaking here, and I am thinking this will cure me, on this the first day of a new year, and that after today I will be so dismayed and disgusted with myself that change will force itself upon me.  It is either that or I have to quickly fall truly madly deeply in love and then lose this lucky person, as the emotional grief of that scenario is the only way I know how to lose weight.  I am happy to be entering a new year as mad as a hatter, as that is probably the only way I will get through what I have set myself up for this year.  And I'll leave that for another day.  Happy New Year to us all xo

TRAVELLING IN THE FAST LANE AGAIN

Once upon a time in the heady cocaine fueled days of Sydney that title would hold a completely different meaning for me than what it does now.  It would mean up all night, probably ending up at the Manzil Room at about 2 or 3am, playing backgammon at dark low tables in between dancing to amazing live music, popping out my little red makeup mirror to do a couple more lines, lining up another southern comfort and possbily a nice baileys and ice as well, smoothly gliding around in high red stillettos, tight jeans and a slinky little top on my 7 stone 24-28 year old body. And I thought this was really living, and it was, and I loved it. I had a second hand shop, partners with a girlfriend.  She liked the early shift so I didn't start till one. A few hours sleep, a couple of lines to kick my day off, a few more later to stay awake (I had a wee hole drilled in the wall so I could hide out the back of the shop to do coke and still see if anyone came in)........
Well that was then and this is now. Here I am sitting up in bed at 5.45am. Yesterday was hillarious when I look back.  Up early to use the bathroom before my Airbnb guests wake up, work for a while, send Dave out on yard missions, send John to collect a caravan, prepare from scratch a beef vindaloo and put it in the slow cooker, meet daughter for lunch at Mexicano's, our favourite, then off I go the the RV centre to look at a 22ft Furnware caravan from the 70's. Loved it, bought it, then ended up upstairs in their storage area buying rolls of furnishing fabric for about $2 a meter and now invited to go up there whenever I need anything for my caravans and see if they've got it. While there I got a call from one of my guests to say another lot of guests had arrived and she'd let them in and showed them the house and their room etc. Heck! That was unconfirmed so I didn't think they were actually coming, lucky the room was ready though, minus the towels.  Hot tailed it home, meet and greet, slip out again to get breakfast supplies. Discover that I'd somehow turned slow cooker off at wall.  Bugger.  chucked it in oven instead. Back to desk for an hour or so catching up. Window broken in caravan travelling for Fleetwood Mac, help them sort that. Another one returned to back lawn, bond check that. Make all the accoutrements for the curry. Daughter arrives with her two staffies, Maddy and Lloyd, hillarious, rough and tumble playing all over the lounge, savage sounding growling and very boisterious, but funny. I'd promised first guests I'd cook them a curry before they left and they move today so last night was last chance. Invited new guests to join us, so dinner for 6 now. New guests (historians and lecturers down here for conference) come down to lounge, lady in sheepskin slippers.......youngest puppy Lloyd immediately started eating them and there's fluff strewn across the carpet before she's even fully in the room......oops! off she went to put shoes on instead, God only knows what they are thinking by now!  But they love curries, and dogs, so we won them over pretty quick I think. So here I am entertaining a couple of strangers and my 2 "old" friends, a Canadian/Australian couple who've been here 2 weeks and feel like part of the woodwork by now.  Plenty of lively and interesting conversation and humour had by all. I hope the new ones don't think I always cook, as they're here for 5 days. haha.
So yes, my life in the fast lane these days is a far cry from what seemed fun in my youth.  I think I thrive on pressure, and being busy, and accomplishing a lot in short spaces of time.  I love my life, and I love how it changes, and I love how capable I feel most of the time to adapt to whatever is happening.  I love living in the moment and I am trying to do just that.  To enjoy each moment (when I remember) for what it is, instead of using each moment as a means to get to the next one.  So easy to live our whole lives that way without even knowing it.  Rush rush rushing always to get to the next thing, when we are ignoring the special moments of just observing what's happening right now.
Well right now I'd better get up and have a shower before my four guests wake up.
Over and out!

AIN'T LIFE A TREAT

The weekend in Wellington was amazingly awesome.  I dont' even know where to start to describe the happiness and humour and pure joy we all experienced at meeting and getting to know each other, and having a whole weekend in which to do so.  The highlight was having a big get together at the Southern Cross Hotel downtown, in a big private part of the pub, mocktails all round and tasty treats, and our Lotta in our midst enjoying the catch up just as much as we were.  It was beautiful, and it really touched me when she spoke to us.  She explained that although we all feel a gratefulness to her, perhaps for being our catylist in getting sober, that the truth for her is that she has never really felt she truly fitted in anywhere, at school, at work, at uni, and just in general.  Until now.  Until she found her people in the blogging world as she struggled to get sober herself, and found all of us on her website, all sorts of people from all over the world coming together online to help each other out, and to be understood.  She said she has found her Tribe.  That we are her tribe.  It was very moving and there were a few tears around the room.  It is a tribe I am proud and happy to belong to.
It was so cool seeing my friend Charlie again and meeting so many others and having fun meals out and tons of laughter.

Came home to a busy house as I am now running my home as an AirBnB.   I've got the two front rooms all tarted up, and I have a lovely young lady from the UK here for quite a while, and a man from Hawaii has just left.  It's different, but quite easy, and definitely not something I'd consider in a million years if I was still slugging back southern comfort like it's the last hurrah!  All of the money will go towards building my home, so there is a good sense of purpose involved, and it is easier and more lucrative than having permanent housemates.

I am feeling very happy and content.  I just love the springtime and the renewed energy and warmth that it brings.  I've planted lots of flowers, the lawns are mowed, the house is clean and tidy, and I feel like I can do anything.  I feel like things are finally clicking into place for me.  It has been a long cold winter.  But all the lost and lonely hard and struggling moments of adjustment have been worth it to get to Now. Now I know that it isn't "sobriety" that I am so happy about (I don't like that word at all, never have, it sounds so straight and narrow and boring and limiting), it is not about "being sober", so much as being free.  "Free of alcohol".  I no longer have a physcological addiction to a substance.  I feel so free.  I do not need it to feel contentment and purpose and happiness in my life.  I do not need it to be my true and best self.   I do not need it to have fun and laughter, or enjoy communication on many levels, and I don't need it to feel like I belong.  Oh....and newsflash!!  I am on my fourth week and fifth day of freedom from my 40 year cigarette habit too.  That's been a biggie but we won't talk about that dirty filthy stinking degrading shameful little habit any more because I don't have that habit any more.  Gone.

What I do have is Netflix (goodbye Sky) and I love it, so now I will get myself all tucked up with a mohair rug on the couch, at home on a Saturday night, by myself, as usual, no problem, and I will watch a few episodes of Luther, my favourite and most excellent new addiciton, a British crime drama.  Over and out.......

Ain't life a treat!