PAST THE SIX MONTH MARK

I really do want to keep writing my blog but I always procrastinate and feel like I've got nothing interesting to say, so then I don't write anything and weeks go by and I feel even more hopeless about it.  So I thought if I got on here and just started waffling on, then something might spring forth.  Yesterday I had a nice afternoon in Diamond Harbour catching up with some long time friends who were visiting from Nelson.  A bunch of their old friends gathered in a little bar overlooking the Village Green and it was heart warming and fun to have the old crowd back together for an afternoon.  Most live there and stayed on into the evening with live music and dinner, but me and my two friends that came with me left in the early evening.  Right now I am trying to get the energy to get ready to go to a live music afternoon in a friend's back yard not too far up the road from here.  I am trying to take up any social opportunities I am invited to, good practice for sober outings, and I do not want to become too insular now that I am by myself and living alone.
I've recently passed the 6 month alcohol free mark and I'm feeling proud of that, and my resolve to continue is still well in tact.  It is getting easier. I am finally sleeping better, getting about 5 hours or so which seems to be enough. I feel great in the mornings and always ready for action and I am having long productive days. My business is very busy and I am coping with it all pretty well.
I've had my good friend staying with me for about 10 days and she will be here for another week or so, it has been great having her calm relaxed company and I will miss her when she's gone.
I haven't lost any weight in the last 6 months which is a bit of a disappointment, I only wanted to lose 2 kilos but can't seem to shake them off. Still feeling guilty about lack of serious exercise, (hence no weight loss) and still smoking. Oh and probably still having a bit much sugar but not a great deal.  I bought a juicer and have been having vege juices nearly every morning for a few weeks now. I add a bit of fresh ginger and fresh turmeric to celery, carrot, beetroot, spinach, cucumber and an apple. I love it and feel like it's going into every cell of my body when I drink it and that my body is thanking me.
All in all I feel like I have a long way to go, but I am being patient with myself, and I am very happy that I've managed to get this far down the sober road with no slip ups at all.  It is a Huge change after forty years of drinking. I might still have a few bad habits to quit and some good ones to take up but for the present moment I am liking my true and real authentic self without any props. I find it very easy to fill the time, the work week is very demanding and I am quite tired every day after work and happy to have early nights. The weekends are absolute bliss, especially Sundays like today, when I usually get a real break from the phones ringing constantly for enquiries and bookings. I love Sundays because for this one day I can do whatever I like, even if it is pretty much nothing but pottering around here in the garden or kitchen.  It is nice to slow down.
Well now I'd better rev up and get ready to go to this wee soiree garden party!!

ME, MYSELF AND I

A slow contentment seems to be arriving.  It’s been ages since I’ve written here as I haven’t really known what to say.  Just getting on with life. A rather extremely busy one at the moment.  Being in the tourist industry this time of year creates a lot of pressure and I have to be well focused every day to keep on top of it. Not complaining, just making hay while the sun shines!

Tomorrow it will be five months since my last pleasant little night drinking here at home by the fire, with music, reading Mrs D’s book, knowing I was going begin life alcohol free the following day.  And I did.  It has been quite a bumpy road in parts and has resulted in a number of changes, but on the whole it has been easier and way more satisfying than I expected.  The biggest changes are that I am no longer in a close relationship with my partner of nearly five years.  I miss him a lot, but I chose what I needed to do for me.  My daughter has moved out of home and is living with her boyfriend, and I miss her heaps too, but it is the natural course of things and we both knew it was coming up.  I have realised that becoming sober, in my case anyway, is quite a selfish or self-indulgent experience.  For me, this is the first time in 27 years that I have lived on my own, without children or a man to shop and cook and keep house for, as well as laugh with, cry, love, learn, and enjoy excellent company with.  It is taking a wee bit of getting used to……as I write I have 2 little lamb chops and 2 baby potatoes cooking and will knock up a baby sized salad.  It feels like a joke after all the thousands of meals I’ve cooked, and I don’t always even bother, but it is actually quite enjoyable.  I can eat anything I please, I actually decide what to have for dinner by considering only myself. Cleaning up takes approximately 2 minutes. Shopping is also a joke as I hardly need anything because it takes so long to use anything up. (apart from chocolate and my new love of sweet things).  I watch whatever I like on TV, read or watch movies in the middle of the night if I can’t sleep, hardly ever have to clean up anyone else’s mess, and never wait for the bathroom.  In a way it all sounds a bit sad I suppose, and who wouldn’t much rather be at the centre of a big loving home and family? Well me I guess.  Because I have been there and done all that and come out the other side, with wonderful children who are grown up and in their twenties and happy in their own lives, and with whom I have fabulous loving relationships with and see often.  We’ve always been close, I have done a good job, taught them good skills and values, shown them good qualities, set good examples, shown them great independence and survival skills, and while I have always drank too much throughout their lives, I haven’t exactly been a total train wreck either.  So it seems like now is the time in my life that I can concentrate on Me.  It will be interesting to see how things unfold from here.  I don’t think I have ever slowed down enough to ponder much about why I am so partial to alcohol.  I accepted when quite young that I have an addictive personality and left it at that.  I am not going to navel gaze too deeply, or be too impatient with myself about any of my downfalls.  I am going to try very hard to get through this busy season and the summer months without touching a drink, and that will be enough of an achievement for me.  For the rest of it, I am just going to relax, stay as calm as I can, and see how it all rolls.

A very Happy Christmas and a Fun Fabulous New Year to anyone who might happen to read this.

 

BANKS PENINSULA GARDEN TOUR

I had a great weekend over at Takamatua with some of my family and my sister arranged for us all to do the Garden Tour. It took two days and we started at French Farm, then Wainui, Fishermans Bay, then lots of gardens in Akaroa. We finished up with that crazy mosaic garden "The Giants House" in Akaroa.  It is hard to believe that this one lady has done it all herself. What is she on?!!
I've been trying for a couple of days to get them up on a link, and have managed it with some help, but they are in the opposite order of how we saw them, so they begin with the crazy garden.
Just click any photo to enlarge and use arrows for next shot. (I am not the greatest photographer, I just point and click). Some very gorgeous gardens here, and they all do it themselves. Enjoy.

http://lizi60.wix.com/gallery

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN "THE ROLLING STONES"

Well I must say I had an absolutely cool, funny and fantastic weekend. The concert was totally awesome, just as I knew it would be. They let Keith do a couple of songs, he did Happy and Before You Make Me Run.  I love it so much when he gets to sing.(Mick usually only lets him do one song) And man he is such a cool old rocker, and when he smiles it's like it just lights up the whole stage, he sure was enjoying himself and played his heart out. Mick was like a 20 year old athlete strutting his stuff in his usual style and gave a fantastic energetic performance. Charlie was beautiful and always the gentleman and treated us with a couple of gorgeous smiles.  Ronnie played  like the legend he is and made me laugh as he lit about 4 cigarettes while they played and still does that thing where he puts it in the neck of his guitar under the strings and plays on.  He was looking a bit the worse for wear and tear I thought, could use a few cream cakes! Lisa Fischer was, as always, utterly amazing and did a bit of a solo which had everybody spellbound. Just beautiful, the power of her voice. Great to see Mick Taylor, I hadn't expected that and he got right down to it and played some real mean guitar with the boys. There were heaps more musicians and right now I've forgotten the names of a few important ones. Bernard Fowler -OMG so much power in his voice. They played Sympathy For the Devil and bought on the Auckland Youth Choir for that, which was stunning and very moving. Forgot to mention it rained, just a drizzle, and we had rubbish bags with holes cut out for our heads and arms. I bought a T Shirt before the concert so used that for a hat. It was so cool to see this concert with my 3 long time girlfriends who are all big Stones lovers from way back.

The weekend away was a cool wee break for me, flew up with my good friend from Lyttelton and we got a rental car with a slightly faulty GPS which caused some hilarious moments and wonderfully colourful language from both of us. We got to do heaps of stuff in the very short time we were there. Managed to stick to my ginger beers when all around me were swilling beers and wines and ciders in the afternoon down at the viaduct. We were having a big catch up with my brother and his 2 sons who'd come over from Melbourne to watch it with their Dad, my daughter and 5 of her friends who flew up for it, and some other Christchurch friends. Then back to the lovely house in Beach Haven overlooking the sea to get ready for the concert, where a few more drinks and a few wotevers were going on, and a lovely icy ginger beer for me, then driven all the way to the concert and picked up afterwards by my friends husband (husbands weren't invited to attend). It occurred to me that this was the first concert I have ever been to sober or completely straight. I loved it. I heard every note, every guitar riff, noticed everything, and was totally there in each moment. It was also great not to have to be thinking about how I could get another drink and how long that would take, or lining up for the loo. I could feel the energy of the others slumping a bit as their drinks kind of wore off, and I was glad that it was all real and raw for me.

This was really my first big challenge, catching up with these friends who are totally favourite much loved girlfriends and drinking buddies from nearly forty years ago. We don't always see each other often but when we catch up we sure do make the most of it. So I think it was a little weird for them, as well as me. I don't think they found me too boring, and I found out for myself that I can still be funny and witty and have a great time. They are probably a wee bit shocked and bewildered, because I guess I was the main culprit, and the one who always got us all together. They are happy for me though, I think. It was really nice to know that I could check in and write wee posts to my online community at LivingSober, which I did a few times, and getting some responses was very cool, just to know there are people out there who have my back, and care what is going on for me. So all in all I am feeling strong, grateful and happy, and I had a mighty fine time xo

FLAT LINING?

I've been having a bit of trouble expressing myself the last couple of weeks, even to myself! I am not really sure how I am feeling. There's nothing wrong, just life going on as usual. I am happy and proud to have reached triple numbers and at 115 days today I guess I must be approaching four months. I have had a couple of nice outings lately, well parties really but in the afternoon. The first was an Upper Middle Bogan party that a girlfriend put on where me and another friend dressed the part and went along. She has given up smoking and I'd given up drinking so that was a bit of humour and a challenge for us both.  The other was a nice Jazz afternoon on a friend's lawn. I got through both of those with a couple of nice soft drinks and not really a bother at all. The Bogan one lasted till the wee hours but we got home at 6.30 after about 4 hours.
I think I am feeling a bit glum to be honest. My daughter moved out two weekends ago and I was not dreading it or anything as it was the right time and a natural progression for both of us. So now I'm rattling around in my big 4 bedroom villa on my own, and that's ok, I just feel a bit weird.  My business is very busy at this time of year, and it takes a lot of mental energy to keep up with all the details. I operate from home so you could say I don't get out much, though I do get out and about picking up parts and other necessary items required.  If I was lonely I would probably be ringing up family and friends more to have chats, but I'm not doing much of that at all. I think I am mentally exhausted by the end of the day, and just want to have something to eat, and check into Living.sober.org.nz and see how all my online sober buddies are doing that day. That actually takes up a lot of time but I've got a tablet now and do it away from my desk so it is separate from my work, and it's about my favourite leisure activity (is that sad)? It certainly takes a hell of a lot less time than drinking!! I love watching movies too but the stupid Sky remote isn't working and for 2 weeks I've been waiting on a replacement. Useless service!!  I guess I am still adjusting to this new way of living I've taken on, and I guess also there have been some major changes in my life since doing so.
I have heaps to be grateful for and I am looking forward to going to Auckland next weekend to catch up with friends and go to the Stones concert (for the 4th time)! Then the following weekend I am catching up with family and going on an all weekend garden tour on Banks Peninsula. That sounds so grown up and I'm not even 60 yet! Not even 59!
I've been trying to be really open to what it is in me that I've been trying to dull down with alcohol all this time.  I honestly don't know. I am hoping it will be revealed to me some time soon. I am feeling a bit boring and serious at the moment, as you can tell by the writing. Hopefully I'll have a bit more flow back on next time I check in here. I think this is my time to really try some of this self care you all talk about. I tried it tonight by cooking myself new potatoes, the first broad beans from my garden, and chicken tenders stuffed with green Harrissa and soft Italian cheese and wrapped in prosciutto. It was lovely but I felt like a bit of a dick cooking and eating it by myself. I'd bought the ingredients last weekend thinking one of the kids might be over for dinner, so thought I'd better use it up. Here begins a long weekend, and one way or another I intend to make the most of it. Could be reading, could be writing, could be working, could be movies, could be visiting, could be navel gazing, or if I get really lucky I'll think of a few jokes to tell myself and then it could be laughing!  Over and out........

MRS D'S QUEENSTOWN EVENT PART 2

I don't know why I never wrote part two of the Queenstown Event until now.  Partly just being busy and occupied having fun in Queenstown, and more likely is that when I got back after a few days away it was insanely busy for me here catching up and keeping on top of my business (which is a bit insane at the best of times)!
The speaking event with Mrs D was absolutely fantastic. She is a truly natural speaker, with the most quietly powerful honesty, raw and gritty, and just so flipping real that it cannot help but touch a deep chord within anyone who listens, whether they have a problem or not!  No one left that hall that night without being deeply moved by Lotta and her story. I would guarantee that.  It was so great to meet her and have the opportunity to chat away with her for quite a while. She is a fabulous, funny and gorgeous person, and she is definately my Hero.
So all in all it was a fabulous wee trip away, and great fun to get right out of my comfort zone and pick up another member of Living Sober at her house at 5.00am to fly down together, rent an apartment for two nights, and just hang out together. We got on like a house on fire, had lots of stories to tell each other, felt very comfortable with each other, and enjoyed walks beside the lake, many cafes, and a trip up the gondola where I also had a couple of rides on the Luge (nice wee adreniline buzz).  On one of our walks on the last day, it was beautiful and sunny and after walking for a while, we each found a comfortable rock to lean on, and had a half hour meditation. This was great for me, the sounds of the waves lapping onto the beach were quite loud and I got my breathing in sinc with them, and with each inward breath I was drawing strength, and with each outward breath I was letting go of anguish I have been feeling on several levels. I have often tried meditation through my life, guided ones, and ones alone, and it has been helpful to a degree, but I think this was really the first time I have totally and utterly succeeded in getting into an amazing space, where there really was just me and my breath and the sea. I can highly recommend that!
Today is my 105th day of being alcohol free
My friend is coming over soon and we are going to a little jazz afternoon at a friend's back lawn.  Cucumber sandwiches and all, the invite proclaims! I guess I'd better go try to make something posh to take.
So over and out for now.....

MRS D'S QUEENSTOWN EVENT

Sitting up in bed right now watching the people go up and down on the Gondala. I'm down in Queenstown with a new friend who I met yesterday when we flew down here together to attend Mrs D's speaking event this evening. Really looking forward to hearing Lotta's story first hand and also meeting other Living Sober members who are here for the event. The sun is shining and the scenery spectacular and it is very cool to be back in this beautiful town, which holds many happy memories for me.
I think I am 93 days sober today and there have been some big changes in my life. I miss my long time companion hugely and that is certainly taking some adjusting to. I am spending way more time alone than I ever have in many years, and that is ok too as I have much to learn and a lot more changes and improvements to make. I try not to beat myself up for not making these improvments quicker. If I stay living without alcohol I am hoping these positive changes will just gradually happen.
Wow! A bright blue and orange paraglider just literally flew past my bedroom window. Never a dull moment down here!
I haven't got anything very insightful to say, in fact I am having a little trouble expressing myself of late. A bit of inner turbulence. That is to be expected I suppose, if one is taking a good hard and brutally honest look at ones self.
However, one mustn't be too serious and introspective either, as there is so much to be positive about, and so much fun to be had, so much work to be done, so many movies to be watched and so many books to be read. And so many hash browns and eggs to be eaten.  I'm starving! Time for a wee walk into town, a nice breakfast, and a walk beside the Lake. Might do a part 2 after the event!