IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS

 

Not long home from a big day out with my daughter helping her do her groceries within her budget, she did very well considering her rather extravagant tastes (inherited I’d say).  A great wave of generosity and pride in her came over me in a lovely shoe shop and I shouted us both a gorgeous new pair of boots, very classy, she is over the moon and I am about $500 lighter in the pocket (but they were reduced from $399each…..bargain)! haha.....hardly teaching frugality am I!  I hate that word anyway "frugal" what a nasty little word!!

 

In the grand scheme of life I am fine with nothing to complain about. Within myself, though, I am still going through a rough patch. I am finding that I am not grabbing life by the teeth and embracing it.  Feeling less comfortable in my own skin. There may be a lot of reasons for this, most I've already talked about.  I just have to “harden up” and get on with it.  Actually I was going to go to that movie this afternoon, it’s had good reviews all week and I could use a bit of comedy, but it starts in 5 mins and I got home too late, maybe tomorrow.  It isn’t like I am all miserable all the time, I'm not at all, I am very grateful for so much, and generally quite content. I guess there is still that great big glaring hole where alcohol used to be, and sometimes I miss it so bad. It’s at times like those that I can’t really believe I will continue this forever, that it is only a matter of time, and at some point I will give in. I think all of this through and I know not to romanticise how it was and how it would be again.  I know the reality would be straight back to an over indulging glutton for punishment stupid fucking idiot when she’s pissed, loud, occasionally aggressive, often argumentative, unbecoming, undignified, know it all, can’t shut the fuck up, don’t know when to stop, version of myself. Living with that underlying sinking feeling and all the awful ramifications that come with that. I see very clearly how things will be for me if I do not continue on my current path.  I am 59 now and I know my health will not hold up if I go back to my old life. I know I would be letting myself down, but more so my children and future grandchildren, a time I am really looking forward to.

The only conclusion is not to drink.  To accept that my life will change, in time, and that I must do all the inner stuff required to make that happen, and to be ready for the joy that is waiting for me out there somewhere.

I don’t do winter well, especially on my own, things feel bleaker than they are. I am quite happy in my own company, it is not like I am longing for company all the time or wish to have others living in my home. (I should, I’d make a small fortune if I rented out the 3 spare double bedrooms)!. It is very peaceful now that my business is quiet for a while, to be here at home and pick and choose how I spend my time. I’m able to get on with other plans and projects that will help in my retirement, which I would like to see arrive sooner rather than later.  I also live with a fair amount of pressure coming from all directions, and I guess also the pressure I put on myself to keep on keeping on and to do everything at all times, sober.  I have become more introverted than I’ve ever been before, this is hard to get used to after always being the life of the flipping party!

 

It's Saturday night so I might go and do something really exciting and different now, like go to my toastie warm bed and watch a movie.

 

STUBBORN AND STUCK

I seem to be a bit stuck with lethargy, procrastination, tiredness, laziness, self doubt, insecurity, aloneness, and a general sense of dis-ease. I think if I put words to it all it might help to lift it. 

I can't be bothered cooking, housework is a joke so thank God I've got a housekeeper. I live on cheese and crackers or poached eggs or a baked spud with cheese and sour cream and tomoto relish my sister made, and random sweet things. It's got so on a day like today, a holiday, or a Sunday when I should ask the kids over for a big yummy roast I just can't be bothered. I have never really felt like this before, I've always cooked and enjoyed it. I love pampering my kids. I miss them. I am avoiding pretty much all social occasions too, just can't get enthused about going out and not drinking.  Would rather stay at home with a book or a movie where the fact of not drinking isn't put right in my face. Hence I have missed some nice events lately with live music played by old friends.

I have never suffered depression so I don't really know what it looks like from the inside. Maybe I just need to give myself a good kick up the arse and get over myself. I went shopping yesterday, and since I wrote the last sentence I have prepared a vege frittata with potatoe, kumara, cauliflour, celery, shallots, garlic, spinach, baby tomatoes, capsicum, cheese, egg and tomatoe puree and a couple of herbs......and put it in the oven. (I kicked myself in the arse) so that will be some healthy eating taken care of. I've tidied the kitchen and put the dishwasher on.  I've soaked some tops that needed it. The thought of weeding the garden makes me almost physically sick, so that can wait (probably till summer)! I forgot to mention I am smoking more cigarettes and I can't bring myself to go for walks or do any exercise.  I just wish I could crawl into bed and wake up next summer.  My arm is still sore with that stupid bursitis I've had since Christmas, and the rest of my body feels old and sluggish, and achy and tubby.

I guess I will just try to force myself to do all the normal things that people do and not dwell on the flat awful scary uncomfortable way I am feeling.

Fuck I'd love to get pissed!!!

Then I would be right back to the laughing fun energetic social crazy tortured soul I used to be.

I must become less self absorbed and take up more constructive pursuits.

I will try.  I am not going to drink.

 

Anyone got any good cocaine?  A few big flipping snorts of that might sort me out!!

 

300 DAYS TODAY

Feeling pretty pleased with myself I have to admit!
It has been a rollercoaster of emotions lately and I have to admit that too. 

Being away on the holiday gave me lots of time to reflect, and being back from the holiday has been interesting too with conflicting feelings.
I feel very grateful to have a home I am happy in and a life that is rich with the love of my children, friends, family in the background, a business to run, goals to achieve and a general sense of purpose.
Being away also helped me to see that I've been living in a bit of a bubble of my own creation, and for most of last week I was quite troubled about that. Here's a wee bit of an email I was writing to my friend Charlie trying to describe how I was feeling:   "ah what's it all about?  I could fucking murder a southern comfort and diet coke, why all this deprivation?  What am I doing?  I used to have a life. A personality, fun, friends, lots of social events, girlfriends visiting and fun afternoons/evenings - a few drinks and tons of laughter and fun and friendship, I used to also enjoy my nights alone getting a bit shitfaced, cooking, playing music, writing stuff, don't do any of that now. I live in my wee safe haven, all fucking serious and boring, in bed so super early it feels dysfunctional, watch movies, don't sleep till about 12 or 1 and get about 5 hours and start all over again. And if I let myself that is the way I think. I don't often think this way but it does happen and it scares the daylights out of me. Just how easy it would be for me to give in to that, and in a way what a flipping relief it would be (for about an hour!!)"

It's funny how when I romanticise about alcohol I remember all the good bits, I associate it with sunny back yards, beaches, laughter, warmth and conviviality, great parties, and I conveniently forget that I didn't stop there! I carried on until I was drunk, loud, talking shit, looking like a drunk older woman I guess, smoking more cigarettes, and giving in to the compulsion every time to have one more drink, and one more, and one  more. And the more I had the better I felt, I absolutely flipping loved it, yes I did, and while I was being that loud drunk woman that other people saw, I was feeling fabulous and fun and funny and cool, I'd even look good, touch up the lipstick, feeling quite sexy and exciting, and then gutted when the night was over coz I could have partied all night long! I was never one to get sick or fall asleep, no, not me!
How terribly fucking sad!!! I truly do miss her sometimes but I'm glad I finally dumped that version of myself!

So there are some of the conflicting feelings, and at 300 days I am still a work in progress with tons of room for improvement in all ways, but I am liking who I am way more than I ever have before, and as I say that a wee email just arrives from my daughter .......

"Awwww how cool mum, so proud of you, you truly are just a new and improved you. To me your more fun exciting and special sober ! I love the sober you (not that I didn’t love the naughty you) very proud of you xx

love you lots"

That alone is worth every struggling moment I have been through to get to where I am today.
And where I am today is where I want to stay.
 

HOW TO DO A CRUISE WITHOUT THE BOOZE

Being quite spontaneous and slightly mad as well, I decided a couple of weeks ago to go off on a cruise while my business was quiet. I’d had a road trip planned with a girlfriend but she had to cancel. So I booked a “Melanesian Discovery” tour on the Pacific Pearl leaving the following Sunday. Quickly made arrangements for my business to semi operate in my absence and off I flew to Auckland to board the ship. I don’t think many other people go on cruises by themselves and I did feel slightly awkward at first but it was fabulous. Ten whole days with only my own wishes to consider and only myself to please, beautiful meals provided and no decisions to make other than when to head up to “smokers corner” on the deck, or which entertainment acts to watch. Bliss. My room was nice with a large porthole, queen bed, ensuite and plenty of drawers and wardrobe space to put away all my clothes and shoes and make it home for the next ten days. There was a tele but I didn’t turn it on as I decided to make this trip as different to my normal life as I could. There was a big “away party” up on the deck as we sailed out of Auckland with loud music and kids swimming and everyone drinking, and that is when I decided the way to do this is to just get amongst it, get my lychee mocktail and join in.

Off out to the restaurant the first night and they put me at a table with two couples who had also just met each other at the table and we all got on like a house on fire and had a few laughs and a beautiful 3 course meal. They had some wine. I went to a show in the Marquee that was showing samples of some the acts coming up. Dancers, a magician, a trapeze artist and a singer. To be honest I was very pleased I was sober and giving it my full attention, so I could see how bad and amateur it actually was!! Mediocre at best. However, it was still mildly entertaining. As it happened some of the shows throughout the cruise were excellent, in particular the comedy. The karaoke was hilarious and some of them were very talented.

The first sunrise was a delight, a ball of shining gold on the horizon with just a massive expanse of sea. All of the islands were beautiful, there was swimming at gorgeous beaches in lovely warm waters, a lagoon cruise in Vila, a zodiac ride to a wee Island in Noumea then a mad crazy and totally dangerous ride in a silly wee open train that took us all around the place with cars screaming around and passing us at speed about 2 inches away on corners!! On that particular trip I was sitting next to an hilarious Maori man who had me in stitches of laughter with his running commentary of what was gong on.  A lot of knowledge was given on all of the tours of the interesting cultures of each place and it's people.

Getting back aboard the ship after each of the 5 Islands felt like going home, great to get back to my room, have a nice long shower and put on fresh clothes, and head up to the deck for a ciggie and to catch all the news of everyone’s day and to get the ship gossip, like one guy having a heart attack in the gym and ending up dead. Or the father and son that had a fight and a third party went overboard at 2.00am and had to be rescued by one of the tender boats using the ship’s search lights. Two culprits were in the lockup down below and escorted off the ship in Vila. Turned out after four days of it being bandied around the ship that it was all bullshit, apart from the two guys in the lockup, which was true and they did get escorted off. And the guy did die in the gym. And one guy wandered off for too long on an island and got left behind and had to make his own way to Vanuatu to catch up with the ship again.

I guess you could say I was a bit out of my comfort zone to begin with, but very quickly I was befriended by some lovely people, a couple of gay guys from Auckland, a nice lady from the Christchurch blues scene and her man, and a wonderful wee lady, Sybil, and her 91 year old mother who was a fabulous and sprightly character and often had us all in fits of laughter. There were lots of others who got together with us on the top deck every day, some wonderful characters and plenty of laughter. There were times when they were all drinking after a big day at the beach and I’d be feeling a bit of a dick with my raspberry lime and soda, and after having it I’d sometimes go to my room and spend a couple of lazy hours reading and nodding off, until it was time to change for dinner and the evening activities.......music, theatre, live bands, comedy, circus, heaps of stuff going on.  On the last night there was a big party in the Atrium, all the 200 chefs paraded through, there were 100’s of balloons and a big electronic light show and they made a champagne fountain of 700 glasses and used probably a couple of hundred bottles of champagne to fill them all, and I got a photo taken of me pouring champagne into the top of the fountain.  It was my way of showing myself and remembering I can be all around and amongst booze if that is what the occasion calls for, and still have a .....reasonably good time, without drinking it!!

I was in fact very glad to be and remain sober on this holiday, as it occurred to me many times that if I was drinking I would be far more obsessed with my next and next and next glass than any of those around me!!

I had a blast of a time and I would do it again in a heartbeat, either alone or with friends. In fact I would now like to save for a river cruise down the Rhine or the Danube and as soon as I’ve got time I’ll be checking it out!  Anyone want to come?

Yep life is short, so bring it on, all of it, and keep it coming!!

THE LONE CRUISER

Made a snap decision on Tuesday that I deserved a holiday and that now was a good time to go.  Off to the Travel Agent and an hour later I was sitting here with a ticket for a 10 day cruise to 5 Pacific Islands, leaving this Sunday, and half price to boot!!
So that decadent little bit of spontanaeity has caused me some big hoops to jump through in a short time, to arrange things for my business to semi operate while I'm away and to trouble shoot any possible emergencies. It's Thursday night now and I've just about got most of it sussed.
So there are exciting times just up ahead for me, I hope I like it!  Seems like a good sort of a thing to do on my own, rather than going some place where I need a rental car, accommodation and stuff, this way all of that is provided and I've even got a double room to myself, ensuite, porthole view and theres tons of entertainment, bands, theatre, a circus, library, pool, sauna, gym, 7 restaurants, 9 bars, live bands, a casino, a movie theatre and God knows what else. All that stuff is free, even the soft drinks I think. Don't see how I couldn't have a good time! And then you get off at all the islands and either just go swwimming and walking around a bit or you can book shore tours and go see some more sights or do adventure stuff like absailing down waterfalls, glass bottom boats, caves etc.
I feel a bit self indulgent on the one hand, and on the other hand I am laughing because it will cost me no more than I have already saved being alcohol free for 9 months (even though I have had a few other treats now I come to think of it, like new boots, trip to Queenstown, the Stones in Auckland, new necklace) but what the heck, I haven't  had more than 3 days off in a row for nearly two years.  I guess it will be interesting and challenging to be in a very booze dominating situation, I haven't really been around booze alot, but hopefully I won't envy all the happy drunk people, and I'll bet if they knew they would envy me in the mornings!!  Fresh as a dasiy I shall be.
Time now to decide what to take and start packing I guess.
Yee Haa.....bring it on!

COBWEBS

I’ve been feeling pretty weird and introspective this weekend, kind of lonely and a bit daunted but not really feeling like company either. Today I got up and drove down to Taylors Mistake and walked the beach in an attempt to blow all the cobwebs out and get back on my Yellow Brick Road. It was certainly windy enough to blow anything out. I walked over the little cliff track to Hobsons Bay, the track goes right through the front deck/exteriors of some of the houses that are perched on the rocks. Once there, it was quite sad and beautiful all at the same time seeing all the wee baches set into the rocks, some immaculately kept and others destroyed by the earthquakes and open to the elements. The surf was powerful here and I sat on a log for a while and got my breathing in tempo with the waves crashing, and just breathed in all the goodness of the sea and fresh air. More cobwebs to blow out though so then I walked the beach again and up over the hill to Boulder Bay, walking along a nice little path zig-zagging its way around the point. On the way back I veered off this path onto a narrow sheep track and wound my way around the hills well above the main path, till I eventually ended up back near the car park. I love it over there and I’m glad I went. On this walk I was thinking about the vulnerable way I am feeling and trying to snap out of it. By the end of the walk the word that kept coming into my mind was Trust. I often advise others who are struggling to trust themselves, to trust that things will get easier, better. I am not often very good at listening to my own advice, so today I will be an A student and I will Trust that by hanging on to my sobriety I am doing the very best thing I can do for myself and those around me. I will Trust that these flat and low moods will pass and I’ll soon be happily bouncing along again. I will Trust that all this walking I am doing will not only eventually make me lose some weight, but they’re making my body stronger, fitter and healthier. I will Trust that although the path to getting sober can be a quiet and lonely time, it will lead to times where my life will be full of interesting wonderful characters. I will Trust the power of the cyber friendships I have with like-minded people trying to achieve the same goals as me. And I will Trust myself to cope with all that is bothering me, remain strong, and remain sober.

GETTING AMONGST IT

I've decided that on the weekends I will drive somewhere nice to walk. I walked Sumner beach last Sunday, North beach to the Pier and back last Saturday, and yesterday I drove to South Shore and walked through the domain and back, then along the estuary till it got too mushy, then up onto the road and I walked past our old house where we lived when I was married with children, then up over the sand hills and along the beach. It was nice feeling all the memories. 12 happy years spent there, and when walking through the domain I remembered the fun bike rides we used to do on various collectible push bikes, of which my husband had a collection of over 60. My favourite was a BSA Shopper, which was what nurses used to use in India apparently. I found a gorgeous little antique child's seat and erected it on the back and my darling daughter would ride in there, my son would be on his own cool wee bike and my husband would take one of the old "Granville" bikes with the big grocery basket on the front. That would be full with champagne and beers, french sticks and cheese and a few other goodies and we would ride through the forest down to a big park where we'd meet up with other friend's and their children for a picnic and cricket games etc. We didn't give a thought about taking alcohol to enjoy these outings, it just went without saying. I remember us feeling very responsible actually for not taking the car and travelling by bike instead coz we were drinking. The kids all had a ball, so did the adults and often everyone would end up back at our place for more drinks later. They were great days and I remember them without regret, even though I got pretty shitfaced more often than not, but the children were always cared for and always had a great time. We had two children (still have 'em)! and on social occasions we would have one each to be responsible for, and that worked well, no disasters. Today I drove to the Botanical Gardens and I enjoyed it more than I ever have before. I wanted to get as many steps up as possible so my walking took a bit of a different form. I have been into every nook, every cranny, taken every pathway at least once, wandering all through the most gorgeous bush and ponds with ducks, and amazing flower gardens, rose gardens, hot houses, fern gardens, cactus gardens and along the river and over bridges and along the other side, doubled back in a few places where it was just so beautiful I had to experience it twice. One place was a room full of the most vibrant hanging begonias I have ever seen. I was awed. So I've come home now feeling real lucky that these days this is the sort of thing I actually want to do on a Sunday morning, and I have sucked up so much beauty and I feel immense appreciation for it. Just seven months ago I'd be waking up, dragging myself out of bed and into the bath, then either cooking bacon and eggs for my then partner or going out to eat breakfast feeling like crap, and then probably home to read a book or watch a movie until dinner time. Today I've weeded my flower garden, been to the supermarket, I'm about to wash my car, I've caught up with some friends on the phone, offered some support to one who is struggling, and I've made an arrangement to go and see The Theory of Everything at the Academy later. Yay! I'm so glad I had the guts to jump off the merry go round. I have gained so much more than I have lost. I have gained way better relationships with my children, my family and my friends, and I have gained a way better relationship with myself as well. Might turn it into a full blown affair!!